The Liberal Zone has been hopping this week folks. The CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE Translation Matrix has been working overtime. It’s only a matter of time before it’s delicate circuitry is fried by all of the liberal twisting, spinning, and waffling going on out there.
For the latest, let’s look at gun control. Now this, in my opinion, consists of using both hands so you DON’T MISS. But apparently, the libs have a altogether different idea on this. After mass shootings in both Alabama and Germany in the recent week, the libs are suggesting that gun control might have prevented these unfortunate events.
As usual, I intend to go straight to the source, and get at the truth. Let’s interview some whackos, shall we?
Out first lucky contestant is from a “cabin deep in the woods.” His name is Duke VanConspirator.
Me: Hello Duke. How are you today?
Whacko# 1: (Looks around nervously) Who sent you? Was it THEM?
Me: Easy there friend. I sent myself. I wanted to know how you felt about guns.
Whacko # 1: Guns are the instrument of our SALVATION. The sprirts have told me that there will be a CONFLAGRATION. I will BE IN CHARGE OF CLEANSING THE WORLD!!!!!!
Me: Cleansing, how very…nice. The “spirits” tell you this?
Whacko # 1: Yes, they do. They speak only to me. (closes eyes and looks upward) I am the one they chose to touch with their messages.
Me: Touched is about right. What if there was gun control?
Whacko # 1: Well… then I guess I’d just have to go back to college. Get a degree. Get married. You know, all of that “normal” stuff.
Me: Thanks, that’s all I wanted to know. Good luck with the “cleansing” and all.
Whacko # 1: BLOOD…BLOOD…Sacrifice!!!!
Well, that was enlightening. Next up, JoJo the crackhead. JoJo has done so many substances that his brain is completely fried. This ought to be entertaining.
Me: Hey JoJo, what’s new?
Whacko# 2: (paces and speaks rapidly) Ya gotta help me out man! Can you front me…I’ll getcha back man, you know I will.
Me: No can do JoJo, can’t help you out there.
Whacko # 2: Well then…(takes pistol out) we’ll see what that convenience store over there has for me. Time for JoJo to re-distribute some wealth.
Me: Get back JoJo. Nice to see that you’re inspired by the SPEDULUS MAXIMUS, but wait a sec. I have a question for you. What if there was gun control?
Whacko # 2: Damn! I guess I’d have to stop everything man. Maybe I’d quit drugs and run for Congress. They re-distribute wealth down there in DC?
Me: Yes they do JoJo, oh yes they do.
Well, I must admit. I’m amazed. CLEARLY, it is true that gun control can ABSOLUTELY stop crazed killers and strung out addicts right in their tracks. I would have never thought that mass murderers and criminals would FOLLOW A LAW, when they already routinely BREAK OTHER LAWS. The question is, how do we advertise this?
After much consideration, I found the answer. We need to market gun control like a consumer product, or better yet, as an antipsychotic. Who better to be our pitch man than…
BILLY MAYS HERE FOR GUN CONTROL!
Having a problem with mass murderers? Are drug addicts robbing everyone in sight? Gun Control is the answer. With Gun Control, BAM! Crime disappears in one easy step.
DISCLAIMER: Those taking Gun Control should be aware that they may suffer from sudden, unexpected, and fatal lead poisoning. Those taking Gun Control should avoid public places, and stay in their kevlar reinforced panic rooms. When there is a home invasion, you should call 911 and HOPE that the local police arrive in time. GUN CONTROL assumes no libility for unintended side effects.
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Matt
I believe that future generations should have the same opportunities that myself, and those that came before me, had. My parents taught me that I could do anything I wanted to do. I don’t want to have to tell my daughter, “You can do whatever the government tells you to do.” We are at a crossroads in this country; are we going to be free, or are we going to be slaves to the nanny state. I choose freedom.
Best one yet “Ross…” Extremely funny when you brought in Billy Mays.
Just 2 points of contention.
1) Billy Mays is either a capitalist or he’s a friggin’ insomniac. Oh, wait. That’s me, since I’m acknowledging I know him and that he’s on late at night.
2) Would there be “BAM” with gun control? We have only the Brits to ask…I think they’d say yes, but not from the guys who put it in place.
The funny thing about the brits is that I’ve been on BBC and some of their newspapers. They write articles about knife violence that are just like articles here about gun violence. You can literally substitute gun for knife and it would change little.