Speaking to reporters today, the Creature from the Black Lagoon confirmed rumors that he has been contacted by BP in its continuing efforts to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.
“Yeah, they contacted me. I’m glad to help. I live on this planet too” the Creature said. “I have experience in deep water that could come in very handy.”
When asked if he was worried about being injured he responded, “I swim in my own feces. Do you think I’m worried about a little oil?”
Working closely with BP engineers, the Creature will swim down to the source of the leak and in a procedure known as “Operation kill two birds with one stone”, plug the hole with all known prints of the Sex and the City II movie.
Said a BP engineer, “We could not helplessly stand by anymore and watch the damage it is causing. What? Oh, yeah, and the oil leak is pretty bad too.”
In the course of the wide-ranging interview with reporters, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, “Hello, that’s Lagoon of Color” said an indignant Creature, talked about his old days in Hollywood, “Clint Eastwood was a prissy bitch” to his life after his movie career ended.
I was thrilled that Hollywood wanted to do a movie on my life and that I would get a chance to play myself. Those were heady times. I was riding high….money to burn….appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show…..dates with Natalie Wood……my own private jet. You could say I got a little carried away. Then after two sequels my contract was not renewed. I was devastated. My so-called friends in Hollywood stopped taking my calls. Natalie Wood left me. Broke my heart really.
After his Hollywood days the Creature was reduced to opening for Jerry Lee Lewis and cut a few country songs, most notably “You’re a Little Bit Country and I’m a Genetic Freak” which was a minor hit. But still Hollywood success alluded him.
“My last acting gig was on the History Channel playing a Neanderthal. I was a bit insulted since I am part Cro-magnon but a paycheck is a paycheck.”
The Creature is hoping that the publicity he will receive from plugging the oil spill will revive his career.
I’m hoping for a movie deal. Hey if Vin Diesel can become an action hero why can’t I? I’m better looking than he is. And I’d like to get married. My love life has been in a rut lately. Any reporters from Fox here? Can you get me Megyn Kelly’s phone number? Come on man, help a Creature out will you?
BP executives have not disclosed how much money they are paying the Creature to plug the leak.
Original Post: Manhattan Infidel