BP engineers, discouraged by their failure to end the leak in the Gulf of Mexico have resorted to a new, desperate tactic that they feel is “most promising.”
Beginning today BP engineers will lower dozens of 52 inch flat screen TVs to the ocean floor. Those TVs will broadcast World Cup soccer in hopes of putting the oil leak to sleep.
“This has never been tried before but in theory it has an excellent chance of succeeding” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a Methodist.
The idea of using soccer first occurred last week during a home invasion at the house of a BP executive.
“I was sitting at home when some burglars broke into my house. They had guns and were threatening to beat me. I happened to have the World Cup on TV. They noticed and immediately fell to the floor unconscious.”
Word of the disabling effect of soccer spread rapidly. Aware of the potential use of this BP set up an experimental test site where soccer, and only soccer, was shown on large screen TVs.
“The tests were more successful than we had hoped. Soccer put everybody to sleep. We brought in drunk college kids and grizzly bears who hadn’t eaten in days and put them together. The bears started attacking and eating the college kids. We then turned the TVs on. After a few moments the bears noticed the soccer match and became drowsy. Within minutes they were asleep” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a cat.
“Our preliminary results show that soccer can put more people to sleep than a Margaret Cho comedy show” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a shoe.
The only worry that BP has is the cultural orientation of the oil spill.
“It is the Gulf of Mexico. If the oil spill is American the soccer will work. If it is culturally Mexican then it won’t work” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a gazebo.
The Gulf oil spill could not be reached for comment.
Original Post: Manhattan Infidel
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Matt
I believe that future generations should have the same opportunities that myself, and those that came before me, had. My parents taught me that I could do anything I wanted to do. I don’t want to have to tell my daughter, “You can do whatever the government tells you to do.” We are at a crossroads in this country; are we going to be free, or are we going to be slaves to the nanny state. I choose freedom.
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“We brought in drunk college kids and grizzly bears who hadn’t eaten in days and put them together. The bears started attacking and eating the college kids.”
If those had been liberals, i would have left the TV off. Hey, they’re the ones always carping about saving the polar bears and all that, let them mingle and get to know each other, who am i to get in the way.
Too funny!
Oh, I think the Oil Spill is gonna want to comment on this one.
I think the spill may have met it’s match. World cup soccer will knock out anything that originates in America.
Too funny!!
Personally can’t wait to see if the courts decision to lift the moratorium on drilling is upheld! State sovereignty is being undermined at every turn and America seems to be none the wiser…
Plug the hole AND our borders!
That lead-in is hilarious!
I would not comment at the time because I was busy trying to destroy little robots swarming around me. Even though soccer is completely insipid, nothing will distract me from my mission. I have been trapped in the earths crust for thousands of years and I am now finally free. My only weakness is evil, radical, Liberal, Progressives. If you offer up 100 Liberals as a sacrifice, and jam them into my orifice, I will end my mission.
I endorse this plan wholeheartedly. We ought to have an open thread and a poll to select the top sacrifices. The Oils Spill must be appeased!
Hilarious! Ahhh.. Yawn. Soccer. Drowsy now.
This is good stuff Mr. Infidel, thank you for keeping us up to date with the latest developments.
I are tired watching this oil spill. Our world will never be the same again.