Recent research suggests that a common mental disorder in Washington DC is spreading through the US at a staggering rate, leaving the populace mentally feeble and unable to comprehend reality. The name of the disorder is Do Something-itis, or Do Anything-itis. The disorder is said to impact the brain in such a way that the patient believes that government intervention can solve problems. This from Dr. Hiram Lockjaw, senior scientist at the CDC:
These problems used to be contained in the centers of power, academia, media, and law. Most civilians affected resided in “blue” states. We use electoral maps to track the progress of the disease. We started to see an expansion of the illness in 2006, but then, in fall 2008, the disease advanced as never before. While true numbers may never be known, it is suspected that there are tens of millions citizens infected.
For those of you who use the same math as Nancy Pelosi, or are a recent graduate of a public school, the number is 1,654,986,653,657. Dr. Lockjaw continued:
The disorder manifests itself in several interesting ways. One, of course, is the complete denial of being sick. The afflicted tend to state that they believe in “change.” However, when questioned, the afflicted cannot really state what this “change” is-other than that the aforementioned “change” will “change” the world for the better. The intelligence of the victim is either low, or is made low by the illness, however we are unclear as to whether or not this is due to exposure to public education. The other, and perhaps most devastating symptom is the delusion that the government makes things better, not worse. Victims are rendered incapable of understanding that the Carter and the Clinton administration is to blame for the housing failure, as well as the resulting banking failure. They also seem to have delusions that spending government money in a random fashion benefiting political cronies will somehow stimulate the economy.
That would explain a lot. Dr. Lockjaw goes on to explain the course of the disease.
As the disease progresses, the patient will become jealous of anyone who has more money, education, works harder, or otherwise is more succesful than they are. They begin to believe that this is some sort of “unfair” conspiracy directed at them. They deny any connection between their laziness, pot smoking, or living in their mother’s basement and their current state. Their physical appearance begins to change as well, eventually looking like…
Needless to say, dear reader, I was alarmed. What is to stop this disease from overtaking the continent and turning our nation into France? Luckily, there is a treatment available, according to Dr. Lockjaw:
We have discovered that by exposing to patient to reality, he or she can become a productive member of society. Having the patient listen to Rush Limbaugh is sometimes effective, however,Jim Quinn or Michael Savage are just as, if not more, effective. However, our greatest breakthrough is what we have called “Reaganex.” Reaganex is the most powerful, and most successful treatment we have available at this time.
Well well well, at least one governement agency is doing it’s job. Oh wait, this is parody!
Originally Published: 2-21-09