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Some Sunday Fun: The Definition of Tools

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It’s been a week for covering some interesting stories, but I feel like breaking the tension with some fun.   The following was sent to me in an email from a friend, so I take no credit for it.

Tools Explained  

DRILL PRESS:    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest, or flings across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.  

WIRE WHEEL:Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh sh**!”

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.  

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.  

TABLE  SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.  

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper in the process.

BAND SAW: A large  stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller  pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.  

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.  

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.  

STRAIGHT, OR FLATBLADE,  SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.  

PRY BAR:A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.  

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.  

HAMMER:Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.  

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use, and skin on hands or fingers.  

*@&#@#%&* TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “*@&#@#%&*! ” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.  

Hope you found this information useful.

 I think this is pretty spot on. 

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  • http://nooneofanyimport.wordpress.com Linda

    LOLOL! thx for it.

    • http://conservativehideout.com Matt

      You’re welcome!

  • http://www.ldjackson.net LD Jackson

    There needs to be a warning at the beginning of this post.

    DO NOT READ WHILE EATING OR DRINKING, AS CHOKING MAY ENSUE, BROUGHT ON BY PERIODS OF UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER!!

    Thanks for sharing, Matt. I am still chuckling at how accurate some of those are.

    • http://conservativehideout.com Matt

      Yeah, I’ve experienced some of that myself.

  • http://conservativesonfire.wordpress.com Jim at Conservatives on Fire

    And all this time I thought hammers were for blackening thumb nails.

    • http://conservativehideout.com Matt

      That is their primary purpose. It’s the evil corporations that call them tools! :D

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