Now friends, since the war on women has backfired, and the messiah is creating more and more distractions from his economic failure, there is a lull in the domestic news. But there is one thing that is conspicuous in its absence. What the hell happened to global warming? It’s taken a back seat during the campaign. Since when is the apocalypse put on hold? I am therefore declaring it missing, and would like your help in finding it.
According to Director Robert S. Mueller, III, FBI Director, Global Warming was reported missing several years ago, as the messiah took office. According to Director Mueller;
“Global Warming has been discussed and debated quite a bit over the last year, however, it hasn’t actually been seen since 2007. No one that we have talked to has actually been in contact with Global Warming. It is quite a mystery, but I want the American to rest assured that we will search diligently until Global Warming is located. The messiah has charged me with this task, and we have our best people working on it.”
To supplement the forces of the messiah, I have enlisted the aid of our crack Conservative Hideout Investigative Team. Here are some of our findings:
- Arctic Ice expanded by 31% in 2008, and 5000km more in 2011.
- Temperatures were colder in 2008.
- Solar output is closely correlated to global temperature.
- The Polar Bears are not dying off.
To gauge the Democratic response to those findings, we consulted with Al Borg, author of “An Inconsistent Truth.”
Me: Welcome Mr. Borg, I’d like your reaction to our findings. What is your response to the fact that global temperatures are dropping, and the arctic sea ice is growing?
Borg: WE ARE THE BORG. YOUR CULTURE WILL ADAPT YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINTS TO SERVICE US.
Me: I see. Do you have a message for the American people?
Borg: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
Me: Ah heh…. Do you have any evidence to support your claims, especially in light of the correlation between solar activity and global temperature?
Borg: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE; YOU WILL SUFFER WHILE MY MANSIONS ARE BRIGHTLY LIT. I WILL LAUGH AS I FLY OVER YOUR FREEZING HOUSES IN MY PRIVATE JET.
Me: Mmkay, Goodbye (Damn, why are all these democrats freaks?).
Next, I decided to talk to a burnt out hippie to get a better feel for the opposition. After all, who best to know of Global Warming than a burnt out, unwashed hippie?
Dirty, Burnt Out Hippie
Me: Hi hippie scum, ‘sup?
Hippie: DUUUUUDE! How is the cosmos treatin you man?
Me: Just fine, you burn out. What do you think about Earth Day?
Hippie: DUUUUUUDE! I was at Earth Day Maaaaan! The predictions are dire dude.
Me: How so?
Hippie: Did you know DUDE… that civilization will end within 15 or 30 years unless immediate action is taken against problems facing mankind. Not only that dude, that by 1995, somewhere between 75 and 85 percent of all the species of living animals will be extinct.
Hippie: Yeah DUDE! It’s a bummer maaan. But it gets worse. Did you know that the world will be eleven degrees colder in the year 2000? This is about twice what it would take to put us into an ice age. Duuude, it’s a major buzzkill (inhales deeply on a bong).
Me: I see. Is there more?
Hippie: Oh yeah DUUUDE!! They were saying that by 1985, air pollution would have reduced the amount of sunlight reaching earth by one half? How will we grow weed dude? Did you also know that that in 1973, 200,000 Americans will die from air pollution, and that by 1980 the life expectancy of Americans would be 42 years?
Me: Hey man, answer me one question…what year is it?
Hippie: DUUUDE! Calendars are for fascists! We can’t be restrained by imposed time limits… Is it about 1972?
Me: (Facepalm) Do you know that it’s 2012, and NONE of the things you said even came close to happening?
Hippie: DUUUUUUUDE (Hits bong deeply)
With the few remaining brain cells of the hippie dying, I decided to move on. I guess that because the earth had cooled between the late 40?s and late 70?s, the environmentalists made their exaggerations “fit” the data. Then, when the earth began to warm in the 80?s and 90?s, they had to retool their warnings of doom and gloom to create a “global Warming” scare. Each time though, it’s the same thing. We’re destroying the Earth, and it’s capitalism’s fault. What will they do if the current cooling continues? It just might given the fact that the sun is about to go into one of it’s regular phases of decreased output. How much do they expect the people of the world to “buy?”
Frankly, unless evidence proves the contrary, the Conservative Hideout can’t declare Man Made Global Warming missing, we may have to state that it never existed!
For more information, please read: Earth Day, Then and Now
And take the time to watch this…..