Lassie, a Collie who likes to hang out with United States Forest Rangers has spent the night in police custody after being named a “Collie of interest” in the raging wildfires devastating Colorado.
This is devastating to us. We loved the dog. He showed up at our forest station one day and kind of became our mascot. He would hang around with us when we were fighting fires. We never suspected a thing. Though he did like to smoke, which we thought was kind of odd for a Collie. And he bought a blowtorch on eBay once. Also he had a tattoo that said, “Burn Baby Burn.” And occasionally he would ask us questions like “what is the best accelerant to use if one wanted to start a fire” and stuff like that. He said they were just hypothetical questions and we believed him.
According to an FBI agent involved in the investigation:
Timmy was always getting into scrapes, sometimes dangerous ones. Well one day Timmy found out that Lassie was setting him up and was in fact responsible for putting him in danger in the first place. He would then show up and play the hero and save the day. We suspect Lassie has a borderline personality disorder and this was a way of getting more attention from Timmy. We think this angered Timmy to no end and he tried to give Lassie away. That was the last anyone saw of him.
Agents immediately suspected Lassie and followed him from Timmy’s home to the ranger’s residence.
We watched very carefully where he defecated. After he finished we’d collect the feces and send them to our lab. Sure enough they contained human remains. And strangely usually a few KFC Double Downs.
A warrant was put out for Lassie’s arrest just before the wildfires started.
He knew we were on to him. He started the fires to distract us and try to escape. He denies this of course but the evidence is clear.
Lassie is innocent. Capish? Now why don’t you be a good boy and behave yourself?
Lassie is currently free on bond but must wear a paw-monitoring bracelet.
Original Post: Manhattan Indfidel