For years Santa had stopped at the Island of Misfit Toys. But no more.
“I wouldn’t go near that place anymore” said Santa. “It’s more dangerous than Mexico, Afghanistan or Detroit.”
The culprit is politics. For years the Island of Misfit Toys had been ruled by King Moonracer (pictured here), an absolute, hereditary monarch. But not all were happy with his rule. Chief among them was Charlie-in-the-Box (seen here.) Charlie, who sees himself as the Island’s resident intellectual, had taken to reading the Federalist Papers and the Declaration of Independence. Dissatisfied with his position as a subject he began to push for more civil rights and liberalization of the Island’s political structure. As Charlie said in a manifesto he had plastered throughout the Island:
King Moonracer says he is a benevolent king. But where is our right to vote? Where is our right to peacefully assemble and redress grievances? Our taxes are too high. His Secret Police spy on us. He has an insatiable sexual appetite and uses our Island’s virgins including Dolly for Sue (pictured here) for his own pleasure. And to top it off, he’s a Red Sox fan. Fight the power! Up with the Republic!
Needless to say the manifestos did not sit well with King Moonracer. Unable to arrest Charlie-in-the Box, who had gone into hiding with the I.M.T.R.A (Island of Misfit Toys Republican Army), Moonracer arrested the polka dot spotted elephant (seen here in an undated file photo) and had him tortured to reveal Charlie’s whereabouts. As the elephant’s toenails were ripped off, his trunk turned inside out and electrodes attached to his genitalia, his pathetic screams could be heard around the Island.
Reaction from the Republican Army was swift. Dozens of the King’s Secret Police were shot. The King, in an incident now known as “Bloody Sunday“, retaliated by having his troops fire on a crowd watching a soccer match.
As atrocities rage on both sides the fighting shows no signs of letting up, despite offers from the King of a truce, with free bread and posters of David Ortiz to those who accept his pardon.
Currently 60% of the Island is controlled by Republican forces while the other 40% is held by King Moonracer and his loyalists, including Dolly for Sue, who escaped past Republican road blocks to reunite with her lover.
“All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved” Dolly said in a farewell message to Charlie-in-the-Box. “King Moonracer loves me and he is kind to me.”
The I.M.T.R.A. for its part has declared Dolly a traitor and sentenced her to death “In absentia.”
The U.S. State Department has issued an advisory warning its citizens against traveling to the Island of Misfit Toys.
President Obama has called for a “Two state solution” with the Island partitioned into Republican and Loyalist sections.
Original Post: Manhattan Infidel