With the 2016 Presidential campaign in full swing attention has focused on the announced and yet-to-be-announced candidates. Many have written me to ask who I would support.
After giving it careful thought and investigating where the candidates stand on today’s hot-button issues I have decided that there is only one person for the job: former Olympian, former Kardassian and former man, Bruce Jenner.
I support Ms. Jenner for the following reasons:
- It’s time we had a woman president
While Hillary has some attractive qualities about her she has been a woman her entire life. Ms. Jenner on the other hand has lived most of her life as a man. This will give her a unique perspective. As a former man she will be fully aware of the evil that is patriarchy. Also, as a woman who has had her penis sliced down the middle and folded back onto itself to create an artificial vagina, if elected Ms. Jenner will slice the patriarchy and its companion, capitalism, down the middle and fold it back onto itself, creating a soft, warm, wet, inviting socialist workers paradise.
Hillary, having worked her entire life within the capitalist patriarchy only cares about profit. And keeping Bill away from the interns. But hey, as long as there is profit she can live with Bill having sex with interns. Though she might feel conflicted.
Ms. Jenner will not have this problem. As a fully functioning male-to-female post-op transsexual her top priority will be helping the middle class. And throwing out her erectile dysfunction medication which she won’t need anymore.
- That movie she made with the Village People
Can’t Stop the Music was the Citizen Kane of its generation. Telling the tale of the rise of the Village People to the international phenomenon that they became, Ms. Jenner played the role of Ron White, a lawyer from St. Louis who is instrumental in their success. (Perhaps when making this movie Ms. Jenner first realized that he wanted to cut his penis off?) Don’t believe me? Just look at this clip. If those shorts don’t say “Chop it off now” what does?
For God’s sake will someone please help me chop my penis off?
- Catfights Catfights Catfights!
Let’s face it. What’s more enjoyable than seeing two women bring out their retractable claws as they slash each other. And with Hillary facing Ms. Jenner in a no-holds barred fight for the nomination we can all be assured of an entertaining election season. Come on. You know you want to see them fight. It might be as entertaining as this:
- A fight between Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz won’t be as entertaining
Besides if those two fought there is always the danger of someone hurting their testicles. And no one wants that. Again, not a danger with Hillary and Ms. Jenner.
And so readers, for these and other important reasons I hereby throw my support solidly behind Ms. Jenner.
The future of America depends on it.