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Spock Sues Star Fleet!

  Mr. Spock, formerly first officer of the Starship Enterprise is suing Star Fleet for “emotional damage due to discrimination” over a controversial incident at his Pon Farr ritual on his home world of Vulcan. While little is known of the specifics of the Pon Farr  (“It is not spoken of with outworlders” said Spock) it is known that he engaged in a duel to the death with his captain and best friend James T. Kirk (pictured here).   At the end of the duel Spock was the apparent victor and Kirk lay dead at his feet. After beaming back up […]

Your Daily Horoscope (The Ebola Edition)

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present to you the official daily horoscope.  I’m not sure I totally believe in horoscopes but sometimes they can be accurate.  (Like the time my horoscope told me that the burning wasn’t an eternal flame, to quote the Bangles, but gonorrhea.) Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22) You will experience a great surge of energy and enthusiasm.  And why not?  You’re back in the United States after an extended stay in Liberia as a doctor.  Boy didn’t Liberia suck?  All those feverish, dying Africans?  But now it’s time to relax and enjoy the American […]

Stymied by Facts? Get Your Victim Card Today!

H/T:  Liberal logic Have you been caught without facts?  Have you tried to argue, but lost to a fact talking Conservative?  Your worries are over with the new and improved Victim Card! Available for FREE* at your local democrat representatives office (the few that are left, that is). *Free as in your taxes will go up 500%, but that will be blamed on Bush.  Oh, and if you like your Victim Card, you can keep it. 

My Exclusive Interview With the Ebola Virus

He’s the world’s hottest celebrity.  He’s in demand across the globe.  His name is on everyone’s lips and he has just arrived in New York City.  Only I have the journalist bona fides to snag an interview. Ladies and gentlemen I now present my exclusive interview with the Ebola virus. MI: Ebola it’s a pleasure to meet you. EV: Thank you.  It’s a pleasure to be here.  Let me start out by saying that I have experienced nothing but kindness from New Yorkers since I arrived.  Being a country boy I thought I’d be out of place in the big city but I […]

Elmer J. Fudd Shot Dead!

Local resident and hunting enthusiast Elmer J. Fudd was gunned down by a SWAT team today when he refused to give up his “assault” double-barreled shotgun. “We had no choice” said the Captain of the county’s newly-organized SWAT team. He refused to give up his shotgun, or rifle.  I don’t know what it was but it looked dangerous.  Probably some sort of modified assault weapon.  Look, haven’t we learned anything after the Newtown tragedy?  The state can no longer tolerate guns like that in the hands of citizens. That’s why Governor Cuomo signed the SAFE act into law. Fudd was known […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents The Official National Institutes of Health Budget for 2014

With the Ebola outbreak and the possibility of Americans dying of this disease, attention has focused on the National Institutes of Health (NIH).  Recently the director of the NIH, Dr. Francis Collins was quoted as saying that a vaccine for Ebola could have been found if not for budget cuts. With this in mind I have obtained the NIH budget for the year 2014 to see if there is anything in the budget they could cut to allocate more for Ebola research.  My findings indicate that sadly, nothing can be cut. In fiscal year 2014 the NIH spent: $325,555 for a study […]

NYC Could Save Millions By Sending Their Lawbreakers To Harvard

It’s Friday so let’s lighten things up for a change. I found this eye-popping graphic at Zero Hedge. It demonstrates that a year in a NYC jail costs almost three times as a year at Harvard.   Hat/Tip to ConradHackett   Imagine how many millions of dollars Comrade de Blasio could save sending the Big Apple’s lawbreakers to Harvard instead of putting them in jail? The results would be the same.. Both institutions turn out people who hate America, right? Well, that’s what I’m thinking. What are your thoughts? . . .

Racist, Teabagging, Gun Crazy Canadians Suffer Gun Attack at Parliament Probably Caused by Canada’s Notorious Gun Culture; Manhattan Infidel Pleads for Stricter Gun Control Laws in Canada

The entire world was shocked today by a senseless shooting at Canada’s parliament building in Ottawa.  Reports indicate that one or possibly three or more shooters opened fire and killed a Canadian soldier. Like many in the mainstream media here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we were saddened by another act of gun violence and we place the blame exactly where it belongs:  Canada’s reckless and out of control wild west gun culture. How many more Canadians must die before Canada enacts strict gun control laws? As I write this the situation in Ottawa is described as “fluid, […]

Kim Jong-Un Feared Slightly Dead

North Korea’s Supreme dictator Kim Jong-Un has not been seen in public in over two months and there are fears that the secretive leader has been deposed or assassinated. “There are many things that could be wrong” said a spokesman with the CIA’s Department of Just Guessing About Shit. We really have no solid evidence what has happened to him. But this wouldn’t be the first time a supreme dictator has gone missing. His father disappeared for 80 days because of a stroke.  We have no evidence that his son is in bad health though he is corpulent enough to […]

Is Your Goat Shrinking? Must be Climate Change!

I know, we all prize our goats (especially if you’re in with ISIS), but there is a danger lurking out there.  It’ a previously unknown phenomena called… (Dun dun daaaaa!) GOAT SHRINKAGE! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, you precious goat (beloved if you’re in ISIS) is being secretly shrunk by Global Cooling Global Warming Climate Change!   Caused by a previously unknown phenomena called solar inflicted intergoatal scoliosis, your goats are being shrunk before your eyes!  For more on this devastating development, we now go to Watts up With That… From Durham University, and the “would you, could you, with a […]

President Obama Signs Endorsement Deal with Banana Republic

As his presidency winds down and looking to the future, President Obama signed a long-term endorsement deal with clothing and accessories retailer Banana Republic. Glenn K. Murphy, Chairman of the Board of The Gap, owners of Banana Republic, announced the deal at a press conference today. “When one thinks of a Banana Republic one thinks of political instability, the rule of one man and massive corruption” said Murphy. And who better to represent our brand name than the man who has done more to turn the United States into a Banana Republic than Barack Obama himself. Banana Republic and Barack Obama […]

A Special Message from the Centers for Disease Control

  With the Ebola outbreak in the news we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™  are taking a moment out of our busy schedule to give our readers the latest information from the Centers for Disease Control on how to protect yourself. Q:  What is the Ebola virus? A:  The Ebola virus (or Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever) is a highly contagious and deadly disease.  There is no known cure. Q:  Where did the Ebola virus originate? A:  Some say Africa, though of course that is speculation and racist. Q:  But weren’t the first recorded cases from sub-Saharan Africa? A:  We are […]

Secret Service Reveals White House Security Protocols

In another damaging blow to the Secret Service it was announced that bullet holes were found in the windows of the White House and that on another occasion an intruder had jumped the White House fence and gotten farther inside the Executive Mansion than previously reported. After Secret Service Director Julia Pierson was grilled on Capitol Hill she released her agency’s security protocols in an effort to allay criticism.  I now present to my readers said protocols. Gunfire is heard outside the Executive Mansion.  Agents should: Immediately remove the President from the danger. Investigate the gunfire. Declare an emergency. 1, 2 and […]

Marvin the Martian Ordered to Attend Anger Management Therapy

This man is angry. Very angry indeed.   Famed extra-terrestrial Marvin the Martian was ordered by a judge today to attend 200 hours of anger management counseling sessions after he once again threatened to destroy the Earth. “Mr. Martian” said the judge at the sentencing. I have listened to the testimony.  I have heard eyewitnesses describe how you planned to destroy the Earth with a, quote, “Earth-shattering kaboom” because it blocked your view of Venus.  You have admitted that you would do this if you could find your Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulater, which thank god has been banned by […]

President Obama Orders Bombing of Scottish Militants

Reacting to outrage over atrocities committed by Scottish separatists, President Obama today ordered a series of strikes at the heart of the Scottish Caliphate. “The civilized world has seen the horrors of the advance of Scottish culture” declared the President. We as a people can no longer stand by and watch the Scottish overrun the entire British Isle.  We owe it to our English friends to come to them in their time of need. I have called Queen Elizabeth and have assured her that we will stand by England in its hour of darkness. The United States and England are the two bastions […]

Mom Bakes ‘Vagina’ Cookies for 2nd Graders – Has Melt Down When Teacher Doesn’t Use Them

Hat/Tip to Maria Guido at Mommyish.com. At first when I read this story, I thought it to be the work of our very own, very acerbic Manhattan Infidel. But no it wasn’t and yes, you read that right. A mother of a second grader decided that when it was her turn to bake treats for the class that Friday, she would bring in cookies made to look like vaginas so that the teacher could teach the kids about, well…vaginas. Editor’s Note: Before you rush to Google this, as far as we can tell, the mother in question was not Rosanne […]

Manhattan Infidel: My Exclusive Interview with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have an exclusive interview with New York’s junior Senator,  the lovely Kirsten Gillibrand. MI: Good afternoon Senator Gillibrand. KG: You called me lovely?  You called me lovely?  I am not your girl toy! MI: Um, sorry. KG: Would you call Chuck Schumer lovely? MI: Well no.  He’s quite homely. KG: Precisely.  I am so sick of you non-Democratic men and your non-Democratic double standards of sexism. MI: Okay, okay.  Let’s start the interview.  In your new book you talk about a senator who called your porky.  Which senator was this? KG: I don’t remember.  I don’t remember his name. […]

Government Nationalizes Burger King!

With the stroke of his pen, President Obama today ordered the nationalization of all Burger King restaurants in the United States as well as any and all profit Burger King may make. “This is a great day for America” beamed the President in his stylish tan suit. No longer will private companies be allowed to avoid paying their fair share of taxes. This decision of Burger King to buy the Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s and move to Canada was nothing more than a sordid tax dodge.  I have stopped this. Congress wouldn’t act so I did.  I have a pen. […]