Greatest Hits: I’m a democrat; You Owe Me

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I’m a Democrat; You Owe Me:  Snarky Basterd took a shot at democrats, and did not miss.

I’m a democrat. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have my own pile of money, but I want yours, too, including the four pennies you have rattling around in the bottom of that peanut butter jar you frugal idiots like to use as a change holder. Give it up! You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I just say I like the public school system. My kids go to private schools so that your kids can go to public schools and learn how to be good little democrats like me. When my kids grow up and become better members of a collectivist society, and your kids grow up confused, my kids will get government jobs and take more money and freedom from your kids. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a job with health insurance, but I think it’s everyone else’s fault when I get sick and have to cut back on my lifestyle so I can pay for health care that should be free, along with cars and houses and big screen TVs. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There is no god. You can go ahead and get down on your knees and pray to the ceiling for forgiveness and strength and peace, but I’ll be standing right behind you with a tire iron, bashing your skull and stealing your wallet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I hate people. I would rather sleep with my dog or a cucumber or a tree than with another person…unless I can just dump them on the curb after we’re through. You just have sex to make more people so you can continue to earn more money while you rape the planet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I love taxes. It’s patriotic…for you…to pay them. I don’t pay any, anyway. And if I have to, I’ve figured out loop holes or have offshore accounts to shelter my money, so the government never really gets too much from me anyway. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. It’s not only my right but also my duty to take freedom and representative republicanism from you, little by little, and replace it with government bureaucracy. From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. I’m needy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a $20 million vacation playground on Martha’s Vineyard and a guarded compound in South Chicago and belong to the richest majority in Washington’s history. But I hate rich people who aren’t democrats and want your property too so I can save endangered swamp rats and build turtle tunnels and fix toilets. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There are more of you than there are of me. You breathe too much. I’ve told the world outlandish lies that you’re causing global warming, using faulty correlations to get everyone so worried they’re about to let me tax thin air. And you’ll breathe a lot less. You owe me.

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I’m a democrat. I’m an elitist. I’m perfect. I’m not like all of you stupid wingnuts out there working your greedy little fingers to the bone trying to make a little money and feed your family and have something to call successful when you retire. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I live in the city so I can get stupid drunk and piss on the streets when I want and kick your parked car when it gets in my way. It’s too bad that you have all those guns in your humble suburban and country homes. If you didn’t, I’d come and toss you out on your naked ass and make you live in the fetid cities that my government policies screwed up. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I think you hate homosexuals. I have no idea that you just want to be left alone and live your life the way you see fit and not have your children taught with government money that they should seek alternative lifestyles for the fun of it. I just want you to do what I think you should do with your life. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m so tolerant I can’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t think the way I do. In fact, I hate white people. I hate all people. I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I hate you even more when you are happy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t know how to do anything for myself. I need to be told what to do. I don’t think human beings are capable of taking care of themselves. That’s what government is for. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t think any people should have rights. I think fish and frogs and grass should, however, and I want to represent them in court…and you to pay for it. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m a child. I act like a child and I think like a child and I live like a child and I throw up my hands and have little fits when I don’t get my way. There should be no consequences for anything I do. But there should be consequences for you, even if you’re blameless in what I accuse you of. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m racist but I get others to think that you are racist just because I call you one. It’s a riot to watch you squirm because I know you have a conscience. I do not. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I was born poor or middle class or rich, but it doesn’t matter. I was born black or white or Asian or Latina, but it still doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s Bush’s fault that I was even allowed to be born at all. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I want health care at your expense, while I’m young and virulent and child-like. But then I want you to kill me when I start to get old and weak and feeble, so that all of my young and virulent and child-like democrat friends can have health care at your expense.

Then I want to come back to life as a rock, so lots of birds can shit on me. They owe me, too, for being a loony moonbat.

Previously posted at Feed Your ADHD.

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Greatest Hits: Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys

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Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys:  Manhattan Infidel was the first respectable news source to cover the shocking events on the Island of Misfit Toys!

For years Santa had stopped at the Island of Misfit Toys.  But no more.

“I wouldn’t go near that place anymore” said Santa.  “It’s more dangerous than Mexico, Afghanistan or Detroit.”

The culprit is politics.  For years the Island of Misfit Toys had been ruled by King Moonracer (pictured here),King Moonracer, who has never read the Federalist Papers an absolute, hereditary monarch.  But not all were happy with his rule.  Chief among them was Charlie-in-the-Box (seen here.) Charlie in the box fights the powerCharlie, who sees himself as the Island’s resident intellectual, had taken to reading the Federalist Papers and the Declaration of Independence.  Dissatisfied with his position as a subject he began to push for more civil rights and liberalization of the Island’s political structure.  As Charlie said in a manifesto he had plastered throughout the Island:

King Moonracer says he is a benevolent king.  But where is our right to vote?  Where is our right to peacefully assemble and redress grievances?  Our taxes are too high.  His Secret Police spy on us. He has an insatiable sexual appetite and uses our Island’s virgins including Dolly for Sue (pictured here)Dolly just wants to be loved for his own pleasure.  And to top it off, he’s a Red Sox fan.  Fight the power!  Up with the Republic!

Needless to say the manifestos did not sit well with King Moonracer.  Unable to arrest Charlie-in-the Box, who had gone into hiding with the I.M.T.R.A (Island of Misfit Toys Republican Army), Moonracer arrested the polka dot spotted elephant (seen here in an undated file photo)The Poka Dot Elephant, an innocent victim of political violence and had him tortured to reveal Charlie’s whereabouts.  As the elephant’s toenails were ripped off, his trunk turned inside out and electrodes attached to his genitalia, his pathetic screams could be heard around the Island.

Reaction from the Republican Army was swift.  Dozens of the King’s Secret Police were shot.  The King, in an incident now known as “Bloody Sunday“, retaliated by having his troops fire on a crowd watching a soccer match.

As atrocities rage on both sides the fighting shows no signs of letting up, despite offers from the King of a truce, with free bread and posters of David Ortiz to those who accept his pardon.

Currently 60% of the Island is controlled by Republican forces while the other 40% is held by King Moonracer and his loyalists, including Dolly for Sue, who escaped past Republican road blocks to reunite with her lover.

“All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved” Dolly said in a farewell message to Charlie-in-the-Box. “King Moonracer loves me and he is kind to me.”

The I.M.T.R.A. for its part has declared Dolly a traitor and sentenced her to death “In absentia.”

The U.S. State Department has issued an advisory warning its citizens against traveling to the Island of Misfit Toys.

President Obama has called for a “Two state solution” with the Island partitioned into Republican and Loyalist sections.

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

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Greatest Hits: Klingon Fired from Suicide Prevention Hotline

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Klingon Fired from Suicide Prevention Hotline: According to Manhattan Infidel, Klingons and Suicide Prevention Hotlines do not mix…

Gor Khan, a 37 year old Klingon working at a local suicide prevention hotline has been fired after it was discovered that his “call disposition” actually led to suicides.

“I blame myself for hiring him” said supervisor Greg Hughes.  “He seemed like he really wanted to help.  But the poor guy just didn’t have the right bedside manner, so to speak.”

After being hired, Khan underwent the mandatory one-day training where he  learned how to deal with potential suicides and then was given a cubicle to begin work.

“The trouble began with his first call” said Hughes.  A transcript of that call has been provided to this reporter:

Khan:  Suicide prevention hotline.  How may I assist you?

Caller:  Hello.  I’m really confused and frightened.  I lost my job and my wife left me.  I have nothing to live for.

Khan:  Today is a good day to die!

Caller:  What?

Khan: You Regulan bloodworm.  You have no honor.

“I cut him some slack.  I figured it was his first call and maybe he just needed to some more practice.  So I took him out to lunch and gave him a pep talk.”

However Khan’s second call revealed that the pep talk did not work.

Khan:  Suicide prevention hotline.  How may I assist you?

Caller:  I’m going to end it all man.  Don’t try to talk me out of it. I have a gun and I’m going to do it!

Khan:  You miserable petaQ!   Your mother has a smooth forehead.

Caller:  I…what?  Seriously don’t try to stop me I’m going to end it all.

Khan:  Go ahead.  If you cannot do it yourself you miserable spineless human I’ll get my bat’leth and finish the job. [Sound of gunshot is heard on tape]

After the second call Khan was escorted out of the building by security.

“It’s a shame” said Hughes. “I really thought he’d work out.  He seemed empathetic and he was a wizard at using Excel spreadsheets.”

As for Khan, he landed on his feet and immediately acquired a job working the Help Desk at a local television station.

Anchor:  Hey, I’m going on the air in five minutes but I’ve forgotten my password.  Can you reset it for me?

Khan:  You incompetent To-pah!

Anchor:  What?  Hey, is that a bat’leth?  Oh my god no!

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

No Klingons we harmed in the re-printing of this post. 

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Manhattan Infidel Endorses Bruce Jenner For President!

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Bruce Jenner seen arriving at Elton John concert at STAPLES Center in Los Angeles
It’s time we had a woman president!

With the 2016 Presidential campaign in full swing attention has focused on the announced and yet-to-be-announced candidates.  Many have written me to ask who I would support.

After giving it careful thought and investigating where the candidates stand on today’s hot-button issues I have decided that there is only one person for the job:  former Olympian, former Kardassian and former man, Bruce Jenner.

I support Ms. Jenner for the following reasons:

  • It’s time we had a woman president

While Hillary has some attractive qualities about her she has been a woman her entire life.  Ms. Jenner on the other hand has lived most of her life as a man.  This will give her a unique perspective. As a former man she will be fully aware of the evil that is patriarchy.  Also, as a woman who has had her penis sliced down the middle and folded back onto itself to create an artificial vagina, if elected Ms. Jenner will slice the patriarchy and its companion, capitalism, down the middle and fold it back onto itself, creating a soft, warm, wet, inviting socialist workers paradise.

Hillary, having worked her entire life within the capitalist patriarchy only cares about profit.  And keeping Bill away from the interns.  But hey, as long as there is profit she can live with Bill having sex with interns. Though she might feel conflicted.

Ms. Jenner will not have this problem. As a fully functioning male-to-female post-op transsexual her top priority will be helping the middle class.  And throwing out her erectile dysfunction medication which she won’t need anymore.

  • That movie she made with the Village People

Can’t Stop the Music was the Citizen Kane of its generation.  Telling the tale of the rise of the Village People to the international phenomenon that they became, Ms. Jenner played the role of Ron White, a lawyer from St. Louis who is instrumental in their success.  (Perhaps when making this movie Ms. Jenner first realized that he wanted to cut his penis off?)  Don’t believe me?  Just look at this clip.  If those shorts don’t say “Chop it off now” what does?


For God’s sake will someone please help me chop my penis off?

  • Catfights Catfights Catfights!

Let’s face it.  What’s more enjoyable than seeing two women bring out their retractable claws as they slash each other.  And with Hillary facing Ms. Jenner in a no-holds barred fight for the nomination we can all be assured of an entertaining election season.  Come on.  You know you want to see them fight.  It might be as entertaining as this:


Cat fight!

  • A fight between Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz won’t be as entertaining

Besides if those two fought there is always the danger of someone hurting their testicles.  And no one wants that.  Again, not a danger with Hillary and Ms. Jenner.

And so readers, for these and other important reasons I hereby throw my support solidly behind Ms. Jenner.

The future of America depends on it.

 

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From The Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: The Department Of Thought Celebrates 50 Years!

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He’s Baaaaaaack!!!!

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thought-300x182
There is nothing more dangerous than thought!

In 2067 the Department of Thought will celebrate 50 years.  We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ would like to use the pages of this humble blog to celebrate some of the more notable highlights of this venerated Federal department.

  • March 30, 2017: The Department of Thought becomes law

With overwhelming bipartisan support and surrounded by congressional leaders from both parties, President Martin O’Malley signs the Department of Thought bill that creates the Federal department headed by the Secretary of Thought.

“This is the most important piece of legislation to pass congress since the Civil Rights Act of 1964? beams O’Malley.  “For too long thought that is unapproved by the State, unprogressive, backward thought has been used to foment hatred.  This bill will change all that.  For there is nothing more powerful and dangerous than unapproved thought.”

  • 2018 – 2020:  The First prosecutions take place under the Department of Thought

During these two years the Department of Thought uses its authorization from congress to arrest Catholic pastors who refuse to officiate at gay weddings.  A total of 728 priests are arrested and sentenced to jail for their unapproved thought.

“Arresting these Catholics is only the first step” declares O’Malley.  “If we have to arrest every priest in America we will.  It’s hard to believe that in the 21st century anyone would dare disapprove of gay marriage.  Hopefully Catholics will re-examine their beliefs.”

With these early successes congress extends the power of the Department of Thought to cover future thought as well.

  • 2025:  Pastors ordered to hand in Sunday sermons to Department of Thought for review

Under the “Wellness of Thought Act” all sermons preached in the United States on every Sunday will be reviewed by the Department of Thought for possible hate crimes and infractions of freedom.  Those pastors whose sermons are found to be offensive to the State will lose their right to speak in public.  They will also have to submit to “Truth and Reconciliation” committees who will examine them to see if they can possibly be redeemed.  Those found to be recidivist in hate-thought are sent to Supermax prisons to live out their natural lives.

  • 2040:  With advances in technology Americans are fitted with “thought monitors.”

Under a groundbreaking program Americans begin to be fitted with chips that will monitor their thoughts.  “A monitored thought is a peaceful thought” says President for Life Chelsea Clinton.  The program takes 20 years to complete.  The last American fitted with a thought monitor, a six-month old baby is later executed when his thoughts reveal that he doesn’t like his all-kale baby formula.

“Kale is the baby formula of peace” says President for Life Clinton as she refuses a stay of execution.

  • 2067: President for Life Chelsea Clinton is overthrown when her thought monitor reveals she doubts that the Koran is the word of Allah

Practitioners of Islam, enraged by Clinton’s doubts, storm the former White House (which was painted black in 2030 to show solidarity with peoples of color) and peacefully behead the President.

May the Department of Thought have many more years keeping America safe from unapproved thought!

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Modern Day Doctor Frankenstein Plans To Transplant Human Head To Donor Body

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Frankenstein's_monster_(Boris_Karloff)

 

Hat/Tip to Andrew Griffin at The Independent.

Nope, it’s not a story from The Onion, in fact the doctor behind this theory can be heard in his TED talk in the video below.

Surgeon Sergio Canavero has vowed to go to China is he is banned from doing it everywhere else, arguing that the transplant has ‘political meaning’ — and some on the internet claim it might all be a marketing stunt.

The Italian doctor who has claimed that he could transplant a man’s head onto a donor’s body has said that he could do much of the procedure in less than an hour.

The procedure — which Canavero has admitted is just a first step towards his ultimate aim of creating immortality — will see a man’s head removed and placed on a donor’s body.

That will see the man’s head get cooled down — as it is when doctors operate on some parts of the brain — and switched onto the different body. Doctors will then have a few minutes to attach the blood vessels and the whole thing will take less then an hour, Canavero said.

 

After that, the full joining process could take up to 24 hours. Canavero said that it would be carried out by a team of doctors to ensure that none of them got tired, and that doctors and surgeons from around the world had enquired about joining that team.

Canavero said that he will explain the procedure in depth at a neurosurgeons’ conference on June 12. “I’ll prove it is totally possible to all the sceptics there,” he told Mail Online.

“Head” over to read the full story here.

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Go “Fox” Yourself Just Doesn’t Have The Same Ring To It…

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Guilherme Crabogiale Fuck

 

Hat/Tip to IOTWReport.com.

 

Okay, even though we’re not in fifth grade anymore, we just can’t help ourselves, when upon hearing this basketball player’s name we let out a childish giggle.

That up there is a real headline, in a real newspaper, on a real story about a real basketball player named Guilherme Crabogiale Fuck.

Guilherme Crabogiale Fuck has a fantastic, mellifluous name, and it would be more childish to pretend we’re not tickled by the fact that his surname is an English obscenity. It’s funny, and it’s curious, but it’s easily explicable: the 6-foot-6 forward for Alberta’s Medicine Hat College is a Brazilian of German descent.

“It doesn’t mean what people think it means,” said Fuck.”In German it [fuchs] means fox.”

But it’s spelled “fuck,” so he has problems in the Anglosphere. His conference puts the pronunciation in parentheses (foo-kee). Some message boards automatically censor his name. His own school puts his second name on his jersey, and on its website, even though Fuck doesn’t go by anything but Fuck.

(There seems to be confusion on how to spell his second name, but we’re going with the spelling listed on the college’s and conference’s websites.)

So, well done by the Medicine Hat News, for not shying away from printing Fuck’s name, which would be unconscionably silly in a story about the very real challenges faced by someone with the last name Fuck.

The Medicine Hat News was asked by Medicine Hat College sports and recreation staff to use his first and middle names prior to the season, but will use his proper last name going forward, starting with this story.

“When they asked my opinion I said I want to have my last-last name, I’m not ashamed of it,” said Fuck. “I would rather always use my last-last name. Back in Brazil that’s what I use, I don’t use my first-last name.”

Fuck averaged 18 and 10 this season on his way to being named to the all-Canadian team, and is preparing to lead his Rattlers into the CCAA tournament. Fuck’s coming for you, Canada.

Read the full story here.

Editor’s Note: We cannot be held responsible for any bad puns made in the comments section of this story.

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Things To Come: 911 Calls After ‘Hands Up Don’t Shoot!’

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stock-footage-flashing-police-lights

 

Hat/Tip to IOTWReport.com.

The Left seems bound and determined to demonize Law Enforcement Officers nationwide. One can only wonder what their ultimate agenda is, but one unintended consequence might be a tad easier to foresee.

One America News (OAN) created this nice glimpse into the future of 911 service if the grievance mongers get their way with their demands for more sensitivity by law enforcement.


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Fire Up The Way Back Machine, Sherman: High School In 1970 vs High School In 2015

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way back machine 001
“Come along, Sherman while we compare common sense with political correctness run amok.”

Hat/Tip to the Conservative Tribune.

“Where are we going, Mr. Peabody?”

“Not where, Sherman – when.”

“Okay, when are we going, Mr. Peabody?”

“We’re going to a typical American high school in 1970, Sherman.”

“Why, Mr. Peabody?”

“To compare the common sense of that time period, with the political correctness that has the American education system firmly in its grasp.”

Okay, okay. I’ll admit that I just recently watched the feature film based on the Mr. Peabody and Sherman cartoons because it’s now on Netflix. I liked the show as a kid and I liked the movie, so it wasn’t so much of a stretch to envision Mr. Peabody teaching a life lesson to his boy Sherman by comparing how things were handled in a typical high school 45 years ago.

Clearly, the world has changed significantly over the past 40-50 years, and not always for the better.

The progressive mindset of entitlement mixed with moral equivalency, along with a dose of ultra-sensitive political correctness, has transformed the nation into something virtually unrecognizable from what it once was.

Take public education for example, more specifically high school, and compare what would have happened back in 1970 with what would happen today in a number of different scenarios.

 

then vs now 001
Additionally, PETA is called in and they hold a candle light vigil for the poor, murdered quails.

then vs now 002
Both boys have to take anger management courses do 500 hours of community service volunteering in a half-way house for recovering quail hunters.

then vs now 003
The school then applies for federal grants to have an entire classroom of “Jeffreys”

then vs now 004
Billy and his Dad wind up in the same prison, where they set up a protection racket and basically run the joint.

then vs now 005
The Principal tells Mark that if he “shares” something other than aspirin, he’ll tell the cops it was a false alarm…

then vs now 006
Ten years later, newspaper does follow up story on Pedro. The response is so overwhelming that he is encouraged to run for public office and ends up becoming a United States Senator.

then vs now 007
Johnny is secretly recruited by the CIA to help them battle red anthills in third world countries.

then vs now 008
While in prison, Mary pursues a law degree and upon reentering society, she sues the school, the school district and the state.

 

 

Sadly, these scenarios, while kind of funny, or not that far off from reality, and just go to show how vastly different life in America is now, compared to back then.

Some call that progress.

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MUST SEE VIDEO: How Tough Is The F15? Jet Fighter Defies Gravity!

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Nedivi Zivi piloted his F15 and landed it with only one wing

 

Hat/Tip to IOTWReport.com and MigFlug.com.

File this one under the “I have to see it to believe it!”

Super sophisticated jets with state of the art technology worth millions of dollars might sound like fragile things. That one little misshapen will lead to a fatal crash. Well even though that might be it in some cases, it is not always.

The accident occured in 1983 during a training session in Israel with several A-4s and F-15s, when one of the F-15Ds, nicknamed Markia Shcakim flew right into one of the A-4s in mid-air (The pilot of the A-4 ejected safely). The aircraft went into a tight spiral and there was a major fuel leak from the missing wing. One might think that the pilot would bail out at such a situation, but this was not the case here. Instead the pilot, who was ordered to bail out, (his name is Nedivi Zivi) regained control of the aircraft and was aiming to land for the nearest airfield – 16 kilometers away. This he might have reconsidered if he knew that the right wing was missing, but he did not. He actually thought that the right wing just had got some damage at the impact with the Skyhawk, but as the wing is kind of hard to see from the cockpit, he did not find out about how serious the damage of his aircraft was until he had landed it.

At some point I collided with one of the Skyhawks, at first I didn’t realize it. I felt a big strike, and I thought we passed through the jet stream of one of the other aircraft. Before I could react, I saw the big fire ball created by the explosion of the Skyhawk – Nedivi Zivi (F-15 Pilot)

Anyhow, his F-15 was running on fumes when he approached the airfield, and he began to lower the speed. But, again, as he missed one of the wings, the aircraft went into a new spin. Zivi thought that he could not do it anymore and prepared to eject. But then he thought that lighting the afterburners, which might straighten up the aircraft out of the spin, was worth a shot. It was successful and the Eagle once again was on the right course.

Nedivi Zivi piloted his F15 and landed it with only one wing 002

Now This is What A BAMF Is…

I could be talking about the pilot, the plane, or both.

 

Read the full story here.

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Taking The Selfie To An Entirely New Level…You’ll Never Guess Where

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selfies getting ridiculous

 

Hat/Tip to The Glow.

And no, we’re not talking about the selfie in the picture above. You’ll never guess where the next generation of selfies will be taken.

Imagine if you will, that a selfie-stick…

selfie stick

 

And a sex toy…

vibrator

 

Had a baby…

And voilà! You have the new “Selfie Stick For Your Vagina!!”

sex-selfie-stick

 

Yes, you read that right. No need to adjust your interwebz.

They’ve become the hallmark of every rookie traveller around the globe, and now the humble selfie stick is getting a sort-of sexy makeover.

A vibrator that films the view from up your vagina has been invented. And it’s basically the creepy offspring of a selfie stick and a dildo.

The footage is captured by the ‘Svakom Gaga Camera Vibrator’ and, should you want to cherish it forever, you can upload it onto your computer.

Oh, and the device also syncs with FaceTime, just in case you’ve got any interest in sharing explicit shots of your uterus with friends and lovers.

Lovehoney, the company selling the vagina selfie stick (it costs about $237.54 if you’re keen), are touting the invention as a way to discover your body.

And by get to know your body, they mean you will basically be able to perform an endoscopy on yourself.

 


Read the full story here.

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Former Porn Star Makes $5 Mil A Year On Youtube: You’ll Never Guess How In A Million Years

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 Each one of her videos gets upwards of 25 million views. She has clocked in over 1 billion views total.

former porn star now youtube sensation 001 former porn star now youtube sensation 002
Diane DeJesus in her porn star days (left) and at her local gas station in Orlando recently (right). The Brazilian has been named by neighbours as the woman behind the massively popular DC Toys Collector YouTube account
former porn star now youtube sensation 003

Hat/Tip to BFH at IOTWReport.com.

Mystery woman behind the ‘richest hands on the internet’ revealed: Former pornstar ‘makes $5m a year unwrapping Disney toys on YouTube’

  • Secretive couple behind ‘richest hands on the internet’ made $5m last year
  • Mysterious DC Toys Collector was 2014’s most popular YouTube channel
  • Childrens’ videos show woman ‘unboxing’ toys and describing each trinket
  • Close friend says Daiane de Jesus and her husband are behind the sensation
  • Brazilian Daiane previously known as Sandy Summers and appeared in porn
  • Neighbours claim she is the voice of DC Toy Collector – described as ‘crack for toddlers’

The highest paid ‘performer’ on You Tube, who is said to earn almost $5m a year unwrapping toys, is a former porn star called Sandy Summers, neighbours have told DailyMail.com.

Brazilian Daiane DeJeus was named by a family friend as the woman behind the wildly successful collection of children’s videos that have been watched a staggering 2.8billion times.

And former neighbours of the mysterious internet star have revealed to Daily Mail.com her secret past – which could explain her desire to remain completely anonymous.

For years they knew her as Daiane DeJesus who lived in a suburban home with her long-term partner Messias Credido.

But they also discovered she was once a porn star called Sandy Summers.

Read the full story here.

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Daniel Boone TV Show to be Rebooted for 21st Century Audience

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Fess Parker as Daniel Boone
Daniel Boone on TV in the 1960s. Obviously too patriarchal for modern audiences

The Daniel Boone show, one of the more popular TV shows from the 1960s is returning to television.

“We are pleased to bring the Daniel Boone name into the 21st century” read the statement.

The original TV show starring Fess Parker was and still remains very popular.  As such we will be bringing him back to prime time.  We will update the character slightly while still respecting him.

In the 1960s incarnation Boone was a “trailblazer” who carved through the Kentucky wilderness assisted by his loyal sidekick the native American, Mingo.

Network executives, concerned that this would be offensive to modern audiences are planning a few minor changes to the format.

“First off we can all agree he was not environmentally friendly” said a source in the network.

He was chopping down native, virginal forest so the white colonizers could continue their genocide against the native Americans. His “sidekick” was probably a slave he bought at an auction. And the guns!  Always he carried gun with him.  Why?  This is obviously not someone we can relate too.  In fact his backwardness and racism is embarrassing.

In the new reboot Daniel Boone will not be a pathfinder.  Instead he will be an environmental lawyer and an activist. The native American Mingo will be transformed into Boone’s “domestic partner” as Kentucky in the 18th century did not recognize gay marriage.

In the pilot entitled, “All Love is Equal” Boone goes before the Kentucky Supreme Court to argue for gay marriage.

“It’s a matter of social justice” Boone tells the judges in an emotional speech that brings them to tears and makes them rule in his favor.  He then marries Mingo and kisses him on the courthouse steps.  His moment of triumph is cut short however when a right-wing homophobic gun nut shoots Mingo dead.  Boone cradles his dying lover in his arms and vows to dedicate the rest of his life to the cause of gun control in America.

As God, or the spirit, because I’m more spiritual than religious, is my witness, I will not stop until all guns are removed from private citizens!

In subsequent episodes Boone fights to establish a colony for Muslims against local opposition, builds a wind farm, patents a plan to harvest solar power, fights bullying and dismantles a local patriarchy that is denying women their equality.

Even the lyrics to theme song have been changed to reflect Boone’s new modern personality.

Daniel Boone was a metrosexual. Yes a big metrosexual.
And he was comfortable in his sexuality and hated patriarchy too.
Daniel Boone was a metrosexual. Yes a big metrosexual.
He was lawyer and an activist, he was fearless and he loved to hug mighty oak trees. From the coonskin cap on the top of ol Dan to the heel of his rawhide shoe
The most sensitive in touch with his feelings man the frontier ever knew. Daniel Boone was a metrosexual. Yes a big metrosexual.
And he fought America to force equality upon all.

 

“We will be bringing back the Daniel Boone America knows and loves.  Only we will changing everything” declared a proud executive.

The new series will debut in May.

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Battling Democratic Extremism Through Arts And Crafts

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With a little love, and arts and crafts, these Democrats can be released into society

 

The United States is reforming Democratic extremists by showering them with attention, providing therapy and offering arts and crafts classes.

At the George Clooney Center for Advice, Counseling and Care off Hollywood Boulevard available seats for painting sessions are gone weeks in advance.

A painting by one patient, a former Democratic extremist shows a peaceful, rural setting of trees and a stream flowing by.

“This guy once believed in redistribution of wealth, abortion on demand and global warming” said one of the center’s counselors.

He must have realized how stupid he sounded calling for raising taxes.  This is a man, a millionaire several times over who called rich people evil.  He used to fly in his private jet to Sweden every year to attend global warming conferences.  I think he finally broke down and realized how empty his life was. The painting helps him express himself and ease his pain.  I think we’re on the verge of a breakthrough.  Why just the other day he asked why his taxes are so high.

This patient, like all at the center, are part of a ground-breaking attempt to rehabilitate and release into the general population former Democratic extremists.  The program has met with mixed success.

“We are optimistic we can help most of them” said the Center’s Director of Democratic Outreach.

They are dangerous people.  But we invest the time and energy into them. Many of these Democrats come from broken homes and have never had anyone pay attention to them.  We shower them in affection and love.  And antidepressants. 

When asked the recidivism rate of these former activists the director could only give an estimate.

Naturally not all will be success stories.  Some go back to their old way of life. They go back to their mansions and gated communities and start living the old lifestyle, insulated from the consequences of their actions.  I’d say that maybe 15 percent to 20 percent go back to being Democratic extremists.  Regrettable yes. But let’s think of the 80 percent we have saved from such a life.

The key to a successful conversion from the Democratic extremist lifestyle is changing old habits.

It’s not enough for them to be clean while they are here. Once they are back on the street and we cannot control them they have to avoid places that might lead them to extremism.  We counsel them to avoid coffee houses, brie and kale. We put them on a meat diet. We ask them not to watch Lifetime or any female-oriented cable channels. Most take our advice.

At the heart of the center is the attempt to raise the extremists sense of self-worth.

Many become extremists because they have nothing else.  And being an extremist makes them feel like a good person.  But it’s a false sense of self-worth. We try to make them realize they are worth something to society. And then we make them go cold turkey.  No cappuccinos. No espressos. Some go insane. 

The final word must be one former Democratic extremist and current patient.  During a group therapy session he expressed hopes to one day be “normalized” into society.

“I’m looking forward to getting out and getting a job.  Maybe buy an SUV to replace my Prius.  I might even move to a state with a lower tax rate!”

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Manhattan Infidel Presents the Will President Obama Attend This Event Template™

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Can't a guy eat his waffle without being bothered about attending some stupid anniversary?

A massive march in Paris to show solidarity against an act of terror.  The 70th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz.  What do these two events have in common? Leaders from around the world attended.  But our President did not. With this in mind I now present the “Will President Obama Attend This Event Template™.”

A shocking act of terrorism has galvanized Europe.  World leaders will attend. Should President Obama?

  • Europe?  The only good thing about that continent are the Muslims
  • Extremism against western values is not terrorism
  • Will the Jew Netenyahu be at this event?
  • I’m eating a f*cking bagel.  Leave me alone

It is the 70th anniversary of the liberation of the Auschwitz death camp.  Should President Obama attend?

  • You guys keep asking me to go to Europe.  I mean I’m a citizen of the world and all that but can’t a guy just relax on his sofa?
  • The terrorist Jews brought it upon themselves
  • Netenyahu will be there so I’m not going.  I don’t like that guy.  He’s mean to me
  • Seriously?  It’s the weekend

The Governor of Texas has extended an invitation to see the humanitarian crisis at the Mexican border. Should Obama attend?

  • The only crisis is Texas won’t let those future Democratic voters into the country
  • There would be no crisis if we didn’t have borders
  • This smacks of politics.  I am above politics and cheap, theatrical photo ops
  • Stop asking me to do stuff!

President Obama has been invited to see for himself that the Keystone Pipeline will not cause massive environmental damage.  Should he attend?

  • That’s in the Midwest isn’t it?  Probably no celebrities to hob nob with.
  • We must replace oil with wind power funded by corporations the Feds decide are worthy of grants
  • Sounds like those racist Republicans are trying to embarrass me!  El Presidente!
  • Look I’ve already had the White House chef cook me a pizza.  Maybe next time

ESPN has invited President Obama to give his picks for the NCAA tournament. Should he attend?

  • Finally!  An event worthy of my talents.
  • Seriously.  I am a genius
  • Eat my dust President Bush.  ESPN never invited YOU to give your picks.
  • I hope they give me court side tickets to the final four.  This is what a President should be doing!
  • I’ve already informed the leaders of Europe not to bother me during March Madness

And there you have it readers.  I hope this handy template will help you better determine whether our President should attend an event.

Originally posted by the as of yet unprosecuted Manhattan Infidel. 

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Obama The Lyin’ Hearted

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Obama vs the Crusaders“White House aides are still trying to explain President Obama’s controversial prayer breakfast speech after he reminded Christians that they ‘committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ.’” Breitbart

Not much explanation needed.  The President of the United States is either a Muslim or the best imitation anyone’s ever seen of one.

Related stories:

PTG

Originally posted by the peerless Bob Mack

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My Exclusive Interview with the Easily Conflated Brian Williams

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Whose wine? What wine?  When the hell did I die?

The Brian Williams scandal keeps growing larger.  Williams, the anchor for NBC nightly news was caught telling a lie about allegedly having a helicopter he was riding in shot down while in Iraq.  He has since apologized, citing the “fog of memory.” Williams has graciously agreed to be a guest on my blog where he will tell his side of the story.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Williams.

BW: Good afternoon Ezra Klein.  I admire your blog.

MI: Um, I’m not Ezra Klein.  I’m Manhattan Infidel.

BW: I am sorry.  I must have conflated you two.

MI: Right.  Anyway, let’s talk about why you are here. Since 2003 you have told on many occasions a story about how a helicopter you were riding in was shot down in Iraq.  It took veterans who were there coming forward to say that you were not in the helicopter for you to finally apologize for lying for over ten years.

BW: Let me say right off the bat that I was in a helicopter in Iraq but it turns out that the one I was on never was shot down.  That was another helicopter.  I must have conflated the two helicopters.  Memory is a funny thing. I must have conflated the two events.

MI: I don’t know. It seems pretty hard to confuse riding in a helicopter that wasn’t shot down with riding in one that was shot down.  I don’t see how you could confuse that.  I know that if I was riding in a helicopter that was not fired upon I wouldn’t say that it was shot down. 

[Pause]

BW: I’m Brian Williams.

MI: Yes, I know.

BW: Where’s the teleprompter? 

MI: There is none.

BW:  Now this gets to the heart of what I was saying.  That’s why we industry professionals use teleprompters.  I don’t suppose you,  a blogger with an opinion sitting at home in his pajamas has a teleprompter.

MI: Watch it mister.

BW: Do you know what I did when I got out of my shot down helicopter.

MI: You weren’t in a helicopter that was shot down.

BW: The Iraqi enemy sent me a note asking what my terms were for accepting their surrender.  I told them, “No terms except unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted.”  After that my crew started calling me “Unconditional Surrender Williams.”

MI: That wasn’t you. That was Ulysses S. Grant at Fort Donelson.

BW: Really?  I’m sorry.  I must have conflated the events.

MI: Conflate what?  That wasn’t you.  That happened during the Civil War in 1862!

BW:Memory is a funny thing. Memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They’re just an interpretation, they’re not a record, and they’re irrelevant if you have the facts.

MI: Okay, Guy Pearce said that in the movie “Memento.”  And you don’t even have the facts to begin with.

BW: If we can’t make memories, we can’t heal.

MI: Guy Pearce again.

BW: Really?  I must have conflated my brave busy life with that movie.

MI: Obviously.

BW: I am very brave in war situations. It’s like when I was addressing the Third Army during the war with the Nazis. I said “Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll chicken-out under fire. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do.”

MI: [Sigh].  Again that wasn’t  you.  That was George S. Patton.

BW: I’m sorry.  I must have conflated my life with his.

MI: [Under his breath] I’m about to conflate my fist with your face.

BW: My memory again must be faulty. But who are we to judge.  I remember once I was addressing a group of people and I told them “Judge not, that you may not be judged, For with what judgment you judge, you shall be judged: and with what measure you mete, it shall be measured to you again.”  Wise words to live by.  I’m glad I thought that up.

MI: That was Jesus on the Sermon on the Mount!

BW:  Jesus? It sounds quite merciful.  Are you sure it wasn’t Mohammed?  Oh well.  I guess I must have – 

MI: I am going to punch you if you say conflated one more time.  Any last words you’d like to say before I close this interview?

BW: Yes.  Tune into NBC Nighly News every night at 6:30 pm.  We report.  You decide.

MI: That’s Fox news dammit.  I’m done.  I’m out of here.

Seriously.  I think he’s conflating his ass with a hole in the ground.

Originally posted at the infamous Manhattan Infidel. 

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