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Kim Jong-Un Feared Slightly Dead

North Korea’s Supreme dictator Kim Jong-Un has not been seen in public in over two months and there are fears that the secretive leader has been deposed or assassinated. “There are many things that could be wrong” said a spokesman with the CIA’s Department of Just Guessing About Shit. We really have no solid evidence what has happened to him. But this wouldn’t be the first time a supreme dictator has gone missing. His father disappeared for 80 days because of a stroke.  We have no evidence that his son is in bad health though he is corpulent enough to […]

Is Your Goat Shrinking? Must be Climate Change!

I know, we all prize our goats (especially if you’re in with ISIS), but there is a danger lurking out there.  It’ a previously unknown phenomena called… (Dun dun daaaaa!) GOAT SHRINKAGE! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, you precious goat (beloved if you’re in ISIS) is being secretly shrunk by Global Cooling Global Warming Climate Change!   Caused by a previously unknown phenomena called solar inflicted intergoatal scoliosis, your goats are being shrunk before your eyes!  For more on this devastating development, we now go to Watts up With That… From Durham University, and the “would you, could you, with a […]

President Obama Signs Endorsement Deal with Banana Republic

As his presidency winds down and looking to the future, President Obama signed a long-term endorsement deal with clothing and accessories retailer Banana Republic. Glenn K. Murphy, Chairman of the Board of The Gap, owners of Banana Republic, announced the deal at a press conference today. “When one thinks of a Banana Republic one thinks of political instability, the rule of one man and massive corruption” said Murphy. And who better to represent our brand name than the man who has done more to turn the United States into a Banana Republic than Barack Obama himself. Banana Republic and Barack Obama […]

A Special Message from the Centers for Disease Control

  With the Ebola outbreak in the news we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™  are taking a moment out of our busy schedule to give our readers the latest information from the Centers for Disease Control on how to protect yourself. Q:  What is the Ebola virus? A:  The Ebola virus (or Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever) is a highly contagious and deadly disease.  There is no known cure. Q:  Where did the Ebola virus originate? A:  Some say Africa, though of course that is speculation and racist. Q:  But weren’t the first recorded cases from sub-Saharan Africa? A:  We are […]

Secret Service Reveals White House Security Protocols

In another damaging blow to the Secret Service it was announced that bullet holes were found in the windows of the White House and that on another occasion an intruder had jumped the White House fence and gotten farther inside the Executive Mansion than previously reported. After Secret Service Director Julia Pierson was grilled on Capitol Hill she released her agency’s security protocols in an effort to allay criticism.  I now present to my readers said protocols. Gunfire is heard outside the Executive Mansion.  Agents should: Immediately remove the President from the danger. Investigate the gunfire. Declare an emergency. 1, 2 and […]

Marvin the Martian Ordered to Attend Anger Management Therapy

This man is angry. Very angry indeed.   Famed extra-terrestrial Marvin the Martian was ordered by a judge today to attend 200 hours of anger management counseling sessions after he once again threatened to destroy the Earth. “Mr. Martian” said the judge at the sentencing. I have listened to the testimony.  I have heard eyewitnesses describe how you planned to destroy the Earth with a, quote, “Earth-shattering kaboom” because it blocked your view of Venus.  You have admitted that you would do this if you could find your Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulater, which thank god has been banned by […]

President Obama Orders Bombing of Scottish Militants

Reacting to outrage over atrocities committed by Scottish separatists, President Obama today ordered a series of strikes at the heart of the Scottish Caliphate. “The civilized world has seen the horrors of the advance of Scottish culture” declared the President. We as a people can no longer stand by and watch the Scottish overrun the entire British Isle.  We owe it to our English friends to come to them in their time of need. I have called Queen Elizabeth and have assured her that we will stand by England in its hour of darkness. The United States and England are the two bastions […]

Mom Bakes ‘Vagina’ Cookies for 2nd Graders – Has Melt Down When Teacher Doesn’t Use Them

Hat/Tip to Maria Guido at Mommyish.com. At first when I read this story, I thought it to be the work of our very own, very acerbic Manhattan Infidel. But no it wasn’t and yes, you read that right. A mother of a second grader decided that when it was her turn to bake treats for the class that Friday, she would bring in cookies made to look like vaginas so that the teacher could teach the kids about, well…vaginas. Editor’s Note: Before you rush to Google this, as far as we can tell, the mother in question was not Rosanne […]

Manhattan Infidel: My Exclusive Interview with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have an exclusive interview with New York’s junior Senator,  the lovely Kirsten Gillibrand. MI: Good afternoon Senator Gillibrand. KG: You called me lovely?  You called me lovely?  I am not your girl toy! MI: Um, sorry. KG: Would you call Chuck Schumer lovely? MI: Well no.  He’s quite homely. KG: Precisely.  I am so sick of you non-Democratic men and your non-Democratic double standards of sexism. MI: Okay, okay.  Let’s start the interview.  In your new book you talk about a senator who called your porky.  Which senator was this? KG: I don’t remember.  I don’t remember his name. […]

Government Nationalizes Burger King!

With the stroke of his pen, President Obama today ordered the nationalization of all Burger King restaurants in the United States as well as any and all profit Burger King may make. “This is a great day for America” beamed the President in his stylish tan suit. No longer will private companies be allowed to avoid paying their fair share of taxes. This decision of Burger King to buy the Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s and move to Canada was nothing more than a sordid tax dodge.  I have stopped this. Congress wouldn’t act so I did.  I have a pen. […]

Manhattan Infidel: Horoscope Time! (The Rudimentary Lathe Edition)

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel we are taking a break from the depressing world of politics to recharge our batteries.  And what better way to do that than to present yet another horoscope. Horoscope valid in continental United States only.  Do not read horoscope if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.  Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough before reading a horoscope. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20) You don’t have to push yourself every  moment of every day.  But you probably should push yourself now.  I […]

Manhattan Infidel’s Exclusive Interview with Cee Lo Green

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my pleasure to interview one half of the hip hop group Gnarls Barkley and one of the hosts of “The Voice” currently seen on NBC, Cee Lo Green. MI: Good afternoon Mr. Green. CLG: Let’s make this quick honky.  I got stuff to do. MI: Um.  Okay.  Let’s start off with the recent controversy surrounding your comments on rape.  You were convicted of felony ecstasy possession and you were accused of giving ecstasy to a woman you had sex with. CLG: Yeah I gave the bitch some of my stuff.  Bitch never thanked me for it.  What of it? […]

Are Women Victims Of Their Vaginas? The Call for Free Feminine Hygiene Products

Move over Sandra Fluke and make room for Jessica Valenti, a reporter for The Guardian. {A big Hat Tip to Bruce McQuain at Questions and Observations for this bit of insanity.} Thanks to the testimony of a political plant from the prestigious Georgetown Law School, Sandra Fluke, the insurance provided by employers must provide women with FREE condoms and/or other forms of contraception. Flukes argument seems to have been that women can’t control what they do with their vaginas and according to her cost estimate of $3000 per year, women law students lose control of their vaginas a lot! Now we […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents a Job Listing: Can You Destroy Evidence for the IRS?

Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I often find myself wondering about my readers.  Are they happy?  Are they employed? Do they have naked photos they might want to share? Okay so I lied about the first one and as for the naked photos I am currently prohibited from looking at any naked photos sent to me (the terms of my parole are very strict).  But jobs?  I think I can help with that.  I want all of my readers employed so they can pay their utility bill and continue to browse the internet. And so, without further adieu I now […]

Fat Shaming Video Warns of “Mythical” Problems, Like Heart Attack, Hypertension, and Diabetes

If you’ve been following some of the nonsense going out out there, you know that there is now a movement to de-legitimize healthy living.  Some call it “fat justice.”  Of course, it’s component “oppressor” is called “thin privilege.”I covered this for a while prior to my “semi-retirement.” Is “Fat Justice” to blame for increases in Diabetes? Fat Liberation vs. Rape Culture: Opposite Sides of the Same Jelly Donut Since we Covered ‘Thin Privilege,’ We’ll Add ‘Fat Justice’ to the Plate Are You Aware of Your ‘Thin Privilege?’ The basic premise of the entire “Fat Justice/Thin Privilege” delusion appears to be […]

Infuriate a Feminist by Using the Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix to Make Your Relationship Decisions

I don’t believe that we’ve ever done a post on dating advise here at the CH 2.0.  However, when I saw a post on the Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix, it confirmed that there is a time and place for everything.   So for your relationship edification, here is the Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix… And, if you have any feminist friends, please show Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix to them!  Preferably, show it to them from a safe distance, but be close enough to see the facial expressions.  

ISIS to Offer Universal Healthcare

ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, announced today that it will be introducing universal health care in areas under their control. “The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria” began the statement “are pleased to announce that all Muslims will have access to free, universal healthcare.” We do this because the prophet wants us to.  Under our caliphate, believers in the prophet can go to any hospital, office or goat-filled cave to have their medical needs met. This means that women will no longer have to worry that they will not be able to afford their female genital mutilation. […]

Things That Lasted Longer Than the Gaza Strip Cease Fire

The latest cease fire in the Gaza Strip, negotiated by Secretary of State John Kerry (pictured here) lasted less than 90 minutes before Palestinians kidnapped Israeli soldiers and resumed firing rockets.  Ninety minutes.    Five thousand four hundred seconds.  The sum total of the cease fire.  In keeping with my responsibility as a member of the mainstream media I have researched made up the following list of events that lasted as long as the Gaza cease fire. The Chevy Chase Show Remembered as the greatest disaster in the history of mankind and proof that the Devil exists and wants our souls. the […]

Dear ________________: (A Letter From the EPA)

As is often the case here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel, disturbing stuff gets deposited on my desk (and not just last night’s 3 am taco.  With bacon.)  In this case it is a letter that the Environmental Protection Agency will be sending out to all Americans. Dear _________: It has come to the attention of the EPA that it occasionally rains on your property.  It has also come to our attention that when it does rain puddles are left on your lawn. These puddles then disappear over time.  We have photographic evidence of this. Why is this? Why has this […]

Batgirl Sues Batman, Robin

Famous Gotham City crime fighter Batgirl has filed a lawsuit against fellow crime fighters Batman and Robin, citing, “a pattern of sexual abuse and defamation of character resulting in a loss of promotion opportunities.”