Non-Intimacy between teachers and students will not be tolerated! Parents, fellow teachers and school administrators are dealing with the fallout after a popular high school teacher admitted that she hasn’t slept with any of her students. “Teenage boys just aren’t my thing” she told shocked colleagues. The principal of the teacher in question has asked for calm and sent out a letter to parents that said in part: Just because one teacher doesn’t sleep with her student doesn’t mean that our school doesn’t maintain the highest standards. On behalf of the entire district I would just like to say that [...]
Parody
Manhattan Infidel: I’m Back! (The Gallbladder of Peace Edition)
An artist’s representation of Manhattan Infidel’s gallbladder in it’s natural peace-loving state For the past few days many people have been wondering about my whereabouts. And not just the usual suspects (parole officers, ex-wives, pimps I owe money to, trannies I haven’t paid). No, the respectable, internet-dwelling readers of this blog have wondered where I have been. Last Friday after spending some time watching the news (apparently there was a teenager on the loose with a gun that made the entire city of Boston cower in fear) I went off to work. Twelve hours later I was in the ER [...]
Earth Day 2013: Mythical Creatures Plan Protest
Here is another classic CH 2.0 post in honor of Earth day 2013. I recently received a message from none other than Bigfoot! Not wanting to miss an opportunity for a good story, I decided to interview him. Me: Hello Bigfoot, thanks for contacting me. BTW, do you go by Bigfoot? Bigfoot: Thanks for answering, FYI, my name is Bill. Me: Mmkay, Bill it is. What was the reason for contacting me? Bill: Well, we’re planning a protest. We’re tired of being compared to something so ridiculous, that we end up looking bad. Me: OK then, I have a couple of questions then. Who are “we?” and [...]
Online Dating Pics: What Women Ought to Know
Apparently, more and more people are using online dating sites. And, it seems that more and more people that should not be using online dating sites are using online dating sites. Reaganite Republican has the evidence… Specializes in body prophylactics! Survived unarmed combat with a weed trimmer! Unfortunately, he never takes the Spiderman costume off! Stop wondering! It’s been decided! The 1000 yard stare doesn’t help either! I bet you are! IMHOTEP!!!! Thanks for the advice! Um…. This is another service of the CH 2.0-to protect online dating singles from creepers! Thanks to Reaganite Republican, who has even more of [...]
Hitler Discovers Gun Control Bill Dies in Senate
That pesky Hitler, he never likes it when freedom wins! Here’s what happens when Hitler loses on Gun Control… I understand Obama had a similar reaction. Birds of a feather… You can support the CH 2.0 with your Amazon purchases! Related posts: Bill Maher Believes the Second Amendment is “Bullsh*t” More Censorship: Senate Considers Bill to Make Embedding Videos a Felony Great Moments in Civil Discourse: Unions Call Gov. Christie "Hitler" 15 Year old Dismantles Gun Control Legislation Hitler was a Socialist, by his own Admission Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Senator McConnell’s Office Bugged; Will McConnell Apologize?
A guilty looking Mitch McConnell Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has had his office bugged, leading to embarrassing revelations about his campaign against the puffy-faced martyr Ashley Judd. “This is just like Watergate” said Democratic National Committee chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz. The similarities are striking. In Watergate we had an evil Republican seeking dirt on political opponents. Now we have an evil Republican seeking dirt on political opponents. In Watergate Nixon ordered the break in of the Democratic National Committee’s headquarters. Now we have a Republican whose office is illegally wiretapped. Um. You know what. Let’s not talk about [...]
Funny Kmart Commercial: Ship Your Pants!
I saw this over at Kim Komando’s place, and thought I’d share it here. I was so funny, that I now want to ship my pants… You can support the CH 2.0 with your Amazon purchases! Related posts: Funny and Truthful Ad by American Crossroads More Funny Funny Money The Sinking Ship of Keith Olbermann: Listing Dangerously to the Left NPR Sinks its own Ship: Bias Confirmed, and then Some 15 Year old Dismantles Gun Control Legislation Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
RINO ALERT!! Boehner Willing to Abandon GOP & 2nd Amendment
In the spirit of pure bipartisanship that is simply for the sake of saying a bill is bipartisan, Speaker of the House, John Boehner said the following when asked if the Senate gun control bill would pass with a majority of HIS OWN FREAKING PARTY not voting for it: “GOP? GOP? I don’t need no steenking GOP to take yer guns!!” Okay, first of all, I paraphrased and secondly he was referring to the Hastert Rule which basically says that any bill without support of the majority party will not be brought to the floor for a vote. But Johnny [...]
Obama Eliminates the Possibility of North Korean Nuclear Attack
That’s right, ladies and gentle Obamaphone users! Dear Leader has eliminated any chance of North Korean nuclear attack. By deploying the great and mighty nuclear defence shield, the great Obama has protected us all from harm, contrary to what the racist tea baggers would tell you. Here is a clear, yet simple informational graphic. These simple signs tell the North Koreans that we don’t want mushrooms clouds enveloping our cities and incinerating our undocumented. Just like in Chicago, we banned guns, and there are most definitely no murders there at all! And, as we all know, if we lay down [...]
Dora The Explorer Goes Missing
Famed Nickelodeon personality Dora the Explorer has gone missing in Central American and has not been heard from in over a week, prompting a full scale search and rescue effort funded by Nickelodeon and The U.S. State Department. “I don’t know where she is” lamented Dora’s mother. “I just want my daughter back. Okay, I just want her paycheck back. Does that make me a bad person?” Dora was last seen in the jungles of El Salvador where she had gone on her latest exploration. “She might have inadvertently gotten herself into trouble” said a spokesman for Nickelodeon. Dora’s knowledge [...]
Itinerant Preacher Abandons Class Struggle
Ye Old New York Times. All the news that’s fit for socialism Dateline, Jerusalem. 33 A.D. Ye Olde New Yorke Times An itinerant preacher by the name of Jesus abandoned all efforts to raise the standard of living of Judea’s poor by going back to his father. Jesus was subject to the death penalty over the weekend for repeatedly calling for those in the Roman occupation to provide jobs and training for the oppressed Palestinians. We here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times have been following Jesus’ career closely from the first moment he burst onto the scene. allying himself [...]
Saturday Humor: Mars and Venus
I found this over at 90 Miles From Tyranny, a recent addition to the blog roll. It’s titled, Mars and Venus, and I thought it was worth more than a few laughs… Enjoy your evening folks! You can support the work of the CH 2.0 with your Amazon purchases, at no additional expense! Related posts: 15 Year old Dismantles Gun Control Legislation NASA Finds Life On Mars Some Saturday Humor: Behold, The Power of Bacon! Is Obama “Constrained…by a System Our Founders Put in Place?” Saturday Cinema: MST 3K, Monster-a-Go-Go Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts [...]
The Easter Bunny Hates You: The Prequel
Earlier today, I ran a shocking and alarming story regarding the violent nature of the Easter Bunny. Following that post, I was troubled by the thought, “why?” Why is the Easter Bunny so incredibly violent? Why has he lashed out at humanity? And, come to think of it, where did he learn his advanced fighting skills? Well, the crack investigative team at the CH 2.0 took the challenge, and set out to answer these questions. We have found a video that explains it. Here it is… I strongly recommend that you avoid contact with the Easter Bunny at all costs. If confronted, and escape is [...]
The Horrible Truth Caught on Video: The Easter Bunny Hates You
We all think of the Easter Bunny as the kind woodland critter that hides candy for kiddos every Easter. However, a shocking video has surfaced that will cause many to change their perception of the notorious Easter character. It’s awful to see a national icon go bad. I can only imagine what drove the normally docile bunny to such extremes. Related posts: The Horrible Truth Caught on Video: The Easter Bunny Hates You The Easter Bunny Hates You: The Prequel Easter in the Liberal Zone Special Easter Links Occupy San Diego: Assault Caught on Video Related posts brought to you [...]
From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives, July 20, 2035: Satan Expels Al Gore from Hell
In a move that surprised many, Satan today announced that he has permanently banned Al Gore from Hell. “I just couldn’t take it anymore” Satan told reporters during a conference call to explain his actions. I mean from the moment he died and ended up down here he’s been nothing but a pain in the ass. The other damned souls can’t stand him. He keeps going from one circle of Hell to the other talking about reducing one’s carbon footprint. Look, I’m the Devil. I’m the one who’s supposed to be doing the torturing. I had to tell him to [...]
Grease Fire Kills Olivia Newton-John
Ms. Olivia Newton-John pictured here before her untimely death Tragedy struck the tight-night world of show business today as legendary singer Olivia Newton-John was killed in a grease fire at her residence in Florida. Reports indicate that Ms. Newton-John was cooking a meal for husband, John Easterling when the fire broke out. Instead of placing a cover on the pan and smothering the fire she apparently threw flour on it, mistakenly believing that she was throwing baking soda. It was then that Ms. Newton-John was caught in the grease fire and began to burn. Her husband after unsuccessfully attempting [...]
Right Angles Declared Racist
The teaching of right angles will be dropped from the curriculum of America’s public schools after it was announced that they are considered “racist and not in keeping with mainstream American values.” Declared DNC chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz: If President Obama’s election and reelection have shown anything, it is that it is time for America to move beyond its racist days of slavery, Jim Crow, Ku Klux Klanism and Republican party policies. Pressure had been building for years to stop teaching about right angles. Two years ago Michael Mulgrew (pictured here) of the United Federation of Teachers told a group [...]
Manhattan Infidel’s Rountable Discussion
Over the years at Manhattan Infidel I have had the pleasure of interviewing many figures one on one but today I will have the my first ever roundtable discussion. Joining me in the roundtable will be Morrissey, Jim Carrey, Mayor Michael Bloomberg and a horse. MI: Good day to you all gentlemen. Morrissey: I weep for the Earth. JC: You have no soul! MB: I can have you banned! Horse: It’s always a pleasure. MI: The rules of the roundtable are simple. I will propose a topic and you chime in when you have something to say. Okay. [...]
E-Trade Baby Enters Rehab
The baby made famous in the the E-Trade commercials has entered rehab, citing an addiction to “poop” brought on by “stress and dehydration.” “It’s true” said the baby’s agent. My client is going through a very rough patch in his life right now. The stress of his career, the fame, all this came on too quickly for the young tyke. We should all pray for him and for a quick recovery. The E-Trade baby, known professionally as “Cacca pee pee” had shot to fame with a series of Superbowl commercials. Answering an open casting call he impressed everyone immediately [...]
Woman Arrested, Gun Found in Vagina
Apparently an Oklahoma woman’s vagina has given a whole new meaning to “concealed carry.” MARCH 6–An Oklahoma woman arrested Monday on drug charges had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina, according to police. The weapon was discovered during a search of Christie Dawn Harris, 28, by a female officer with the Ada Police Department. According to a police report, the cop spotted the handle of the five-shot revolver “sticking out from” inside Harris, who is seen at right. In a less shocking find, investigators also discovered plastic baggies containing methamphetamine lodged in the crack of Harris’s buttocks. For once, [...]
My Exclusive Interview with Ashley Judd
Since the days of Ronald Reagan it has become quite commonplace for actors to enter the realm of politics. The latest actor to flirt with the idea of running for office is box office star Ashley Judd, who is considering challenging Mitch McConnell in the race for Senator from Kentucky. I was lucky to snag an interview with Ms. Judd. MI: Good afternoon Ms. Judd. AJ: Thank you Manhattan Infidel it’s good to be here. MI: Let’s talk about your foray into politics. You have talked about running for senator in Kentucky. AJ: Yes I believe that by running I [...]
Government Maps the Human Brain (Part II)
Yesterday I detailed the government’s extraordinary findings on the workings of the Democratic brain. Today I will present to my readers the results of the government’s mappings of the Republican brain. The results are truly remarkable. Unlike the Democratic brain, the Republican brain shows new growth. “We were shocked by this” said a scientist. We expected growth in brain size with Democrats, since we Democrats are much smarter and intellectually aware than Republicans. But the Republican Cerebral cortex had grown a whole new lobe. We didn’t know at first what function this lobe played in the brain. It was [...]
Government Maps The Human Brain (Part I)
During President Obama’s recent State of the Union address he mentioned that “our scientists are mapping the human brain” leading to speculation on when the mapping would be done and what would be discovered. The wait is over. The Brain Activity Map Project, as it is called, has been finished. And what it reveals about the brain has scientist startled. “We found profound differences in brain activity between Democrats and Republicans” said a neuroscientist involved with the project. In the interest of the dissemination of knowledge I will now present the government’s findings in two parts. Part One will [...]
Power Struggle in the Communist Party USA: Clash of the Moonbats!
It appears that there is division among the moonbattiest of the moonbats, the Communist Party USA. Take a look at this video, which I have titled, The Great Moonbat Schism of 2013. It’s apparent that Mr Gru, (Pictured here in this undated file photo) is rather unhappy with the Communist Party USA Leadership’s abandonment of a bloody revolution and an even bloodier domination of all human life. Not that the part’s official positions won’t kill a lot of people, but they would likely spread it out over a few more years. But Mr. Gru, AKA Emo Stalin, wants the Gulags, [...]
Mnahattan Infidel Celebrates Four Years of Blogging: World Suffers Accordingly
On February 20, 2009. Something so vile…something so sinister…and something so despicable, took the Conservative Blogoshpere by force… Manhattan Infidel At first, he seemed harmless, only writing about the dismemberment of childhood icons, and anal leakage. Then, his writing took a more sinister turn, with many references to hookers and crawlspaces. Obsessed with certain FOX News-babe, the Infidel continued to push the limits of journalism, and probably his bail bondman. Finally, he revealed his master plan… To operate underground salt mines all over the world…and to disintegrate people…lot’s and lot’s of people. Manhattan Infidel should be considered armed, and extremely [...]
Rhinovirus Devastates Republicans
Several Republicans on Capitol Hill have fallen ill with the Rhinovirus, it has been learned. Lindsey Graham, John McCain, John Boehner among other prominent Republicans are among those affected by the pernicious virus. “It is flu season” said a Washington D.C. doctor treating the Republican lawmakers. Still at the very least one would think that these men would be more careful. They are busy, important men with constituencies to take care of. But once they get infected with the Rhinovirus they are pretty much useless. Congressman Graham was the first to come ill, complaining of a runny nose and a [...]
‘So God Made a Liberal’
Soopermexian has crafted a fantastic video, based on the God Made a Farmer Super Bowl ad. Titled, “Do God Made a Liberal, it is a hilarious take on the current political and cultural landscape. This was made in conjunction with the Morlock Revolt, and I found it at Gateway Pundit. Now, Soopermexican and Morlock Revolt have been kind enough to link me, and I have reciprocated. However, Gateway Pundit has yet to link the CH 2.0. What’s up with that? Related posts: Conservative Guide for Automobiles The Liberal Zone: Liberal Jeopardy New Liberal Hallucinagen: Spenditol Site News: Some New Friends [...]
Homeland Security Advises Americans to Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight
Greetings from the Department of Homeland Security. We in the Department take the responsibility to protect Americans seriously. That is why in the wake of the Newtown shootings we have provided our citizens with this handy set of instructions on how to survive an active shooter scenario. At some point in your career as an office worker you shall be faced with the horrifying scenario of gunshots and fallen coworkers. What do you do? You are unarmed (as you should be.) How do you defend yourself? Do not despair. If you follow these easy steps you stand an excellent chance of [...]
Obama Goes Shooting: The PhotoShop Edition
The other day, the White House released a picture of President Obama shooting a shotgun. And, they apparently forbade that the image be photoshopped. Of course, people didn’t listen. Here are some of the highlights of the impromptu Photoshop competition. Please note that no animated woodland creatures were harmed in the writing of this blog post. I’m sure that there are probably more, and feel free to post them in the comment section, if needed. At any rate, I don’t get why they would say not to photoshop it. Frankly, the image has exploitable written all over it. Related posts: [...]
Willie Wonka Shuts Down his Chocolate Factory
Famed billionaire industrialist Willie Wonka has shut down his chocolate factory, throwing hundreds of Oompa-Loompas out of work and denying children throughout the world his candy bars. “I didn’t have much of a choice” said Wonka. The EPA was coming after me. The government raised my taxes because they wanted me to pay my “fair share” whatever the hell that means. With the health reform law taking effect I had to pay a fine if I didn’t give the Oompa-Loompas birth control. I tell you it’s just a mess. And I’m not the only one who feels that way. I’ve [...]
From Ye Olde New Yorke Times: Demand a Plan to End Musket Violence in the Colonies
Dateline April 19, 1775. Ye Olde New Yorke Times We here at Ye Old New Yorke Times have just received word of a gun-inspired massacre of innocents in the colony of Massachusetts Bay. How long must we be held hostage to Musket violence? We here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times used to content ourselves with the position that it was time to register all Muskets. That it was time to tax bullets. But now we must change our position. The brave Regulars, the brave King’s Troops were needlessly cut down by a gang of wild musket owners. And [...]
Scotty Dismayed by New Graphical Interface Aboard Star Ships
Captain Montgomery Scott of Star Fleet in his retirement speech expressed dismay at the direction Star Fleet has taken. He particularly expressed his disgust at the graphical interface aboard the new star ships. In my day an engineer was looked up to and respected. Sure the Captain got all the glory but the engineer was the brains. We were the ones crawling around in Jeffries tubes and not being electrocuted. We were the intellects in Star Fleet. When I started out the fleet was using Star Fleet 3.1 as the operating system for its ships. And that system [...]
Manhattan Infidel Presents: A Sampling of This Year’s Christmas Specials
Here at the headquarters of Manhattan Infidel our mission statement mentions our pride in disseminating the latest in culture. And what says culture more than a cheap made for TV movie? The mission statement also mentions I am lactose-intolerant. Yet I also love to eat pizza with extra cheese. While eating ice cream. And practicing auto-eroticism. And drinking milk. And now with the Christmas holiday behind us it is time to review this year’s top Christmas-themed specials. And please, lay off the cheese. I have a sensitive digestive tract. Unlike the innocent Christmas specials of the past which featured singers [...]
End of the World! Consider a Donation?
As we all know, the end of the world is today. But, had you considered that your world goods will do you no good in the aftermath? if you believe in karma, you might want consider donating your worldly goods to a worthy cause. After all, why bring down eternal judgment on yourself for being stingy, like a Republican 1 percenter, or even worse, a tea bagger? On the right, you will notice a paypal donation button. Make peace with the cosmos, and send all of your money to the CH 2.0 bunker. It’ll be good for your spirit, and you can [...]
Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys
For years Santa had stopped at the Island of Misfit Toys. But no more. “I wouldn’t go near that place anymore” said Santa. “It’s more dangerous than Mexico, Afghanistan or Detroit.” The culprit is politics. For years the Island of Misfit Toys had been ruled by King Moonracer (pictured here), an absolute, hereditary monarch. But not all were happy with his rule. Chief among them was Charlie-in-the-Box (seen here.) Charlie, who sees himself as the Island’s resident intellectual, had taken to reading the Federalist Papers and the Declaration of Independence. Dissatisfied with his position as a subject he began to push for more [...]
Bob Costas Blames Controversial Tim Tebow Non-Shooting on Religion; Calls for “Jesus Control”
In the wake of another weekend gone by without a shooting by Tim Tebow, NBC sports personality Bob Costas used halftime to speak on the subject and advocate for “Jesus Control.” We here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel are not in the business of advocating for any position. But in my capacity as a bitter, lonely alcoholic who has never known the touch of a woman member of the mainstream media I have decided to give the full transcript of Costas’ remarks. In the aftermath of the nonfatal nonshooting nontragedy involving notorious Christian Tim Tebow that most mindless of sports [...]
Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Lindsay Lohan Malfeasance Template™
If it’s Friday at Manhattan Infidel that can only mean one thing: seeing a doctor about that burning sensation. But while Manhattan Infidel gets poked and prodded by a (hopefully) hot, young female doctor here for your reading pleasure is the Lindsay Lohan Malfeasance Template™ Linday Lohan was arrested for: A disturbance in a night club A disturbance in an alleyway A disturbance in a hotel room A disturbance in an elevator Being on the grassy knoll in Dallas Does it matter what she was arrested for? Seriously. Police say that Lohan Punched a woman Punched a man Punched a [...]
Orville Redenbacher Scandal Widens
The controversy surrounding Orville Redenbacher and his iconic brand of popcorn grows deeper with each stunning revelation. The scandal first erupted when several college students made trips to emergency rooms complaining that they couldn’t sleep, were nervous, couldn’t concentrate and that their testicles had dropped off. “At first we though they were Business Administration majors because, you know, like capitalism is evil” said one ER doctor. But then more people from different walks of life started complaining of the same symptoms. Doctors from the Center for Disease Control arrived to conduct an investigation. What they found surprised and troubled them. Before [...]
Seriously? White Meat Racist?
Oh yes friends. It appears that the preference for white meat is a sure sign of racism? According to a recycled article at Slate, via IJ Review, it is… Slate recently republished an article from 2010 saying how racist white meat is. The writer babbles on about white bread and its white history, then pivots to white turkey meat …seriously: Why have we broken the chains of the whiteness that bound us to fatally tasteless white bread while still remaining imprisoned in the white-meat turkey ghetto? … Despite its superior taste, dark meat has dark undertones for some. Dark meat evokes the [...]
Classic Snarky: I’m a Democrat-You Owe Me
Note: Here is a classic CH 2.0 post from the one and only Snarky Basterd. I’m a democrat. You owe me. I’m a democrat. I have my own pile of money, but I want yours, too, including the four pennies you have rattling around in the bottom of that peanut butter jar you frugal idiots like to use as a change holder. Give it up! You owe me. I’m a democrat. I just say I like the public school system. My kids go to private schools so that your kids can go to public schools and learn how to be [...]
Manhattan Infidel’s Ten-Point Plan to Get the Hispanic Vote
The defeat of the Republican candidate for president was in large part due to the loss of the all-important Hispanic (or is it Latino?) vote. Having spent the entire week since the election pouring over the available data moving the bodies from my crawlspace to a remote upstate location I now present my exclusive ten-point program to win the Latino (or is it Hispanic?) vote. But first let me address a few words to my Hispanic (or is it Latino?) friends. My Spanish is faulty so I apologize for butchering your fine language that has brought the world so much besides [...]
FBI Uncovers Consensual Relationship Between Adults
The Federal Bureau of Investigation, long known by its nickname “The Privacy Penetraters” has set the world of Washington DC afire with the discovery of the affair between CIA director David Petraeus and his biographer Paula Broadwell. Speaking from Washington, FBI director Robert Mueller told reporters that The FBI prides itself on uncovering and destroying two things: Organized crime and consensual relationships between adults. But mainly consensual relationships between adults. Oh hell who am I kidding. We don’t touch organized crime. Those guys are dangerous. We are all civil servants making a civil servant’s salary. Who wants to get killed over [...]
Apple Enters Partnership With The Borg
The Borg Collective and Apple Computers have announced an exclusive and far-reaching partnership that will transform and update the Borg Model and make it competitive in the interstellar marketplace. In a statement released today Apple CEO Tim Cook said: Apple is excited about this new partnership and recognize the galaxy-wide brand name of the Borg. We feel that this new initiative will help the Borg tap into the youth market here on Earth. We welcome the Borg Queen onto our Board of Directors and look forward to a long and profitable relationship. Apple also revealed the first Borg to be [...]
An Exclusive Look at Obama’s Debate Notepad
Those who watched last night’s debate between President Obama and Republican Challenger Mitt Romney may have noticed both candidates frequently writing notes on a slip of paper. You may have wondered, “What are they writing?” After the debate was over I was lucky enough to slip past security (apparently more security was requested but turned down) and take Obama’s debate notepad. Now many may be saying that I have no right to publish it. But like the Pentagon Papers, this notepad is simply too important to not see the light of day. I now present President Obama’s debate notepad [...]
My Exclusive Interview with Big Bird
Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present to my readers a character who has been much in the news lately, the one and only Big Bird himself. MI: Good morning Big Bird. It’s a pleasure to meet you. BB: Hi. I’m Big Bird. I’m a friend of Kermit’s. We both live on Sesame Street. MI: Um. Yeah. Listen my readers would like to know if you have any reaction to finding yourself an issue in the middle of the Presidential campaign? BB: Oh I like Presidents. I once met Mrs. Nixon and President Nixon in the White House. MI: Yeah that’s nice. Anyway [...]
Even the New Yorker Takes a Shot at Obama
What happens when one of the most liberal of publications, the New Yorker takes a shot at the sitting Democratic President? Hilarity, to be sure. The Blaze has the details… The latest cover of the New Yorker draws inspiration from President Barack Obama’s disappointing debate performance against Republican rival Mitt Romney with Romney facing off at the podium against an empty chair. Image source: New Yorker Titled “One on One,” artist Barry Blitt said, “This image seemed like a proper response to the first presidential debate.” Of course, this does not mean that the New Yorker has finally see the light, and is finally [...]
Navigating the Muslim Outrage Scale™
With the events of the past two weeks, the burning of embassies, the killing of Americans, bodies being dragged through the streets, I have begun to worry about the safety of you, my readers. So using my expertise in software making shit up I have devised a handy “Muslim Outrage” guideline. Read this for your own safety. Because there is nothing I care more about than the safety of my readers. Unless it’s Asian hookers. But mostly I worry about the safety of my readers. After my Asian hooker needs have been fulfilled of course. Movies Movies rate a 9.7 out of [...]
Swedish Chef Shot Dead!
Popular TV personality The Swedish Chef was gunned down by police at a DWI checkpoint last night. According to state troopers at approximately 1:27 am a BMV driven by the Swedish Chef approached the DWI checkpoint and was ordered to stop. We approached said vehicle and asked the driver to turn off the ignition. We then asked the driver if he had been drinking that night. He responded by saying, “Gerpity derp derp. Bort Bort Bort!” Naturally none of us was able to understand this nonsense which raised our suspicions. The Chef was then asked to egress from the vehicle, [...]
Palestinians Riot After Romney Says They Aren’t Interested in Peace
The day after Mitt Romney’s controversial and racist statement that the Palestinians aren’t interested in peace, thousands of outraged Palestians proved him wrong by rioting for peace. The trouble started when the racist candidate of the racist Republican party told a crowd, and I can’t believe that an intelligent person would even say such a thing, that the Palestinians are “committed to the destruction and elimination of Israel.” Once Klansman Romney’s despicable comments became know to the peaceful corner of the world known as the Gaza Strip, thousands of aggrieved, violent, Molotov-cocktail wielding, yet peace-loving Palestinians took out their [...]
Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Rioting Muslim Template™
With the riots in Libya and Egypt I have decided, for the benefit of my readers who may be unaware of the root causes of such riots, to publish the Rioting Muslim Template™. As always, if you are caught or killed in a Muslim riot the President of the United States will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Then he will apologize. Then he will deny the apology. Then he will accuse his opponent in the election of playing politics. Then he will jet off to New York for a $40,000 a plate fundraiser. Muslims riot and storm U.S. embassies [...]
You Belong to Us (the U.S. Government)
Note: The following email has been sent to all citizens and undocumented illegals residing in the United States. Greetings to all beneficiaries of rights granted by the United States Government! As the campaign season begins let us all step back a moment to embrace the many benefits of belonging to the United States Government. Government is the only thing that we all belong to. We’re different churches (some unfortunately like the Catholic Church who continue to wage war on women), different clubs (some like the Boy Scouts who unfortunately continue to wage war on the differentially-sexed) but we’re together as [...]
Overweight Vulcan Charged with Bestiality!
You read it here first! Take a look at the Vulcan, and read of his alleged crimes, like bestiality! Psycho Charged With Using Craigslist To Have Sex With Dog, Says Sexless Marriage Is To Blame – Weekly Vice James Naylor, a 47-year-old Mesa man was jailed Monday after he allegedly used Craigslist to shop for a dog he wanted to have sex with. ……………… According to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, an investigation was launched after Naylor placed ads on Craigslist seeking dogs to sexually abuse. … Investigators say Naylor showed up at the planned meeting spot expecting to have [...]
My Exclusive Interview with the World’s Biggest Asshat
Today at Manhattan Infidel as part of my continuing series of exclusive interviews with popular public personages I am pleased to interview the current mayor of Gotham, his honor Michael Bloomberg, aka, the World’s Biggest Asshat (”WBA“). MI: Good afternoon your Honor. WBA: Thank you for having me here Manhattan Infidel. MI: Before we start do you mind? I’m thirsty. [Takes a drink.] Man I love these 32-ounce big gulps. Especially on hot summer days. WBA: Manhattan Infidel may I just say that what you are doing is breaking the law. 32-ounce so-called big gulps have been made illegal by my administration. MI: Why? [Continues [...]
Baghdad Bob Named New Head of DNC!
In news that shocked everyone in Washington, the Democratic National Committee has replaced its Chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz with Muhammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, better know to an earlier generation as “Bagdad Bob.” “We were all fond of Debbie” said DNC executive director Patrick Gaspard. “But we felt she lacked the aggressiveness to combat those who oppose his eminence President Obama and his government. Bob is perfect for us.” At his introductory press conference Muhammed promised a new “air of civility and a commitment to veracity.” When asked about President Obama’s low poll numbers he said: These villains, and particularly the villains Bush and [...]
How to Safely Observe Obama
It is a presidential election year in America where the candidates for the Democratic and Republican parties fan out across our great country giving speeches to the public. But with the speeches comes a disturbing phenomenon. All throughout 2008 there were reports of a rapturous populous collapsing during Obama’s speeches. And with the recent fainting of 20 at an Obama speech in Roanoke, Virginia it seems history is repeating itself in 2012. Concerned for the well-being of Americans and not wishing anyone to be inconvenienced at an Obama campaign event I have devised the following fool-proof way to avoid fainting [...]
Classic Conservative Hideout: Gun Control, the New Anti-psychotic, Re-revisited
Here is a slightly edited version of an old post from the second month of the original Conservative Hideout. With all the talk of gun control lately, I thought it might be a good idea to repost. The original post was published on March 15th, 2009. Enjoy!- Matt For the latest, let’s look at gun control. Now this, in my opinion, consists of using both hands so you DON’T MISS. But apparently, the libs have a altogether different idea on this. After mass shootings in both Alabama and Germany in the recent weeks, the libs are suggesting that gun control might have [...]
Man Regrets Buying Sh?bijin at Garage Sale
Local resident Bob Walker, 43, regrets his decision to buy two sh?bijin (literally “small beauties“) at a garage sale. I was originally going to buy his set of Monkees vinyl albums when I noticed this straw lunchbox like thing. I asked what it was and he said he had a pair of sh?bijin in it that he bought on Craigslist. I took a look inside and there were these two very small Japanese girls. So I immediately bought them. He seemed very happy to get rid of them. I should have been suspicious of that. Upon bringing his sh?bijin home [...]
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello on “Unemployment”
Internet meme…. COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America. ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It’s about 9%. COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%. COSTELLO: You just said 9%. ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed. COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work. ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%. COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed. ABBOTT: No, that’s 9%… COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE!! Is it 9% or 16%? ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work. COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed. ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the [...]
Manhattan Infidel to Impose a Tax
Fast on the heels of the Supreme Court’s historic decision to uphold Obamacare, I, the Manhattan Infidel, have decided to levy a tax on all Americans who do not visit my blog and hit up my tip jar. Accordingly, starting on Thursday July 12, 2012, all those who do not visit my blog will be taxed 55% of your base earnings. I do this because I care about America it will make me richer. This tax, or penalty, or as I like to call it “Tenalty” will be applied towards making America a better, healthier place I want your money. Some of [...]
Taliban Execute Fozzie Bear!
Tragic news out of Afghanistan. Fozzie Bear, well-known comic and best friend of show biz entrepreneur Kermit the Frog was executed by the Taliban while on a good-will tour of the country. Mr. Bear was captured while doing a stand-up performance in the Shinwari district of Parwan Province, in central Afghanistan, less than a two-hour drive from Kabul. Sources report that he had just uttered his trademark “Wocka Wocka” line when several masked Taliban fighters climbed up on stage and grabbed him. Bear was heard to say, “Are you guys with the USO? Is this about my fee?”as he was rushed off [...]
Americans Applaud End of Freedom!
By an overwhelming vote that crossed partisan lines, congress today voted to end all freedom of choice for all Americans for everything. “It is time we realize that freedom is not absolute” declared Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “People are using their freedoms to make wrong choices. The wrong foods to eat. The wrong recreational drugs to use. The wrong sexual positions to enjoy. These decisions are too important to be left to the people. This is where the government steps in.” “There is an epidemic in America today” declared Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “It is an epidemic of unhealthy wellness choices.” “We [...]
This is how the Apocalypse Should be Covered
When former TV Weather guy, Aaron Justus did his apocalypse farewell report, he probably didn’t think it would go viral-nearly a year later. This is his report… What is the weather impact of Godzilla anyway? H/T: The Blaze Related posts: 2012 Apocalypse Nonsense: Will an Asteroid Hit the Earth This Year? Japan’s Struggle Against Giant Monsters Thwarted by Environmental Movement Apocalypse Now! First the Rapture, Now the Zombie Apocalypse? The Reports of the Zombie Apocalypse are Greatly Exaggerated Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
My Exclusive Interview with Lassie
Following up on yesterday’s post where I revealed to my readers the news that Lassie had been arrested for suspicion of setting the Colorado wildfires, today I have the privilege of interviewing the out-on-bail Collie. MI: Good afternoon Lassie. Lassie: Good afternoon. It’s good to be here. I appreciate the opportunity to get my story out. MI: As a condition of your bail you have to wear a paw-monitoring bracelet. How is that for you? Lassie: It’s a bitch but it does have benefits. The ladies dig it. They say it makes me seem dangerous. MI:: Interesting. So. You’re gay right? Lassie: Huh? MI: Well I heard [...]
Lassie Questioned About Colorado Wildfires!
Lassie, a Collie who likes to hang out with United States Forest Rangers has spent the night in police custody after being named a “Collie of interest” in the raging wildfires devastating Colorado. Suspicions were first raised about Lassie when Bob Erickson and Scott Turner the two forest rangers who adopted Lassie noticed burns on Lassie’s paws. This is devastating to us. We loved the dog. He showed up at our forest station one day and kind of became our mascot. He would hang around with us when we were fighting fires. We never suspected a thing. Though he did like [...]
Genius Barack Obama: The U.S. Needs “Bottom-up Economics”
I’m sure bottom-up economics (you know, from the 49% percent of the population that doesn’t pay taxes) fueling a recovery in Barack Obama’s next term will … drain all swamps. I know, maybe Obama can use eminent domain to confiscate every underwater middle class family home, then turn around and sell them to Mexican drug cartels. Or let’s confiscate all of the 50-inch HDTV screens from welfare recipients and peddle them to underprivileged countries. Wait. You know what will jump-start the economy? Selling tickets to an MRI of Joe Biden’s brain. Or naming a homeless guy the Czar of Bottom-up Economics; he’d probably [...]
Liberal Icon Annoyed by Working Class Stiff (Part Deux)
A couple months ago I wrote about liberal icon Alec Baldwin and how he was annoyed by working class stiffs on board an airplane. Well now this liberal icon has been annoyed again by a working class stiff (this time a photographer.) Naturally I wanted to get to the bottom of this story so I asked Mr. Baldwin if I could interview him and he was gracious enough to consent. MI: Good afternoon Mr. Baldwin. May I call you Alec? AB: What? MI: Um, I was wondering if - AB: I made an ass out of myself arranging this interview. You have insulted me [...]
Without the Lapdog Media, Obama Is Doomed
Minister of Disinformation Jay Carney and the rest of Barack Obama’s minions are running scared. For the first time in a long time the national press called Obama out yesterday, for his “doing just fine” comment last week on the state of the private sector economy. (Except Juan Williams, who parroted Obama, his central processing unit showing its usual signs of damage.) Carney’s response to the press: “you all ought to do your jobs and report on the context” of Obama’s gaffe. I can simply refer you again to what the President talked about as he stood here before you in the context [...]
Manhattan Infidel’s Favorite Cherokee Recipes
The other day while looking in the mirror and admiring my ridiculously high cheekbones I said to myself, “Manhattan Infidel, you love to cook. And you’re proud of your 1/32 Cherokee heritage. Why not combine the two?” Yes I know that my fellow Cherokee Elizabeth Warren has already done this and while I don’t want to criticize a tribe member there are a few traditional Cherokee recipes she left out. And so I dive into that void. Please enjoy these traditional Cherokee dishes that my parents used to cook while reciting family folklore about the struggles of native Americans. Cherokee Pasta [...]
The Wisconsin Recall: A Postmortem
In the 24 hours since the momentous recall election in Wisconsin there have been many pundits who have given their opinion on the election results. And in the spirit of fair and unbiased urineanalysis I now offer my postmortem on the election. First an explanatory note. The survey I took is not scientific. If anyone questions my methodology I will mail them my dirty underwear. Democracy may be dead, but my dirty underwear is definitely alive. Once it was confirmed that Governor Walker had survived the recall I immediately got on my phone and spent all day Wednesday talking to very annoyed [...]
Friday Frivolity: Dissecting a Lib Comment
NOTE: There was originally a Mad Lib with this post. However, the code for it didn’t work, leading me to change the post. Yesterday, I got a comment from a Deborah Kitchell, who spewed such failure, that this level of ridicule is necessary… Oh, brother…this is film made by the anarchists of FAR left–you will find the same kind of violent rhetoric by people on the FAR right (John Birchers, KKK, certain anti-government types like Tim McVee, certain right-to-lifers and yes, the American Nazi Party is a FAR RIGHT movement and always has been). Its just that the FAR right actually goes [...]