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Manhattan Infidel

Rick Springfield’s Actions Threaten to Reopen Buttock Wars

Popular singing star Rick Springfield, best known for his ’80s hit “Jessie’s Girl” is on trial.  The charge? Causing “serious, permanent and disabling injury” to a woman with his buttocks. Springfield states that during the concert in question his buttocks did indeed come into contact with Vicki Calcagno, from Liverpool, New York, but that any injury that his Australian buttcheeks might have done to the woman were incidental and did not warrant a lawsuit against him. “That’s just the way we do things in Australia” said Sprinfield. It’s how we say hello.  Many times in the outback I have greeted neighbors […]

Due To Poor Ratings, President Obama’s State Of The Union Placed On Hiatus

Just six days after President Obama’s State of the Union it has been announced that the show will be placed on hiatus and no more episodes will be ordered. “We just didn’t get the ratings we hoped for” said an network executive. We had high hopes for the State of the Union show.  Obama’s a clean cut, well-spoken man and we still think he’s going to be a big star one day. He’s personable and has a fantastic wit. I mean every time he mentions a new free service the government will provide I just crack up. We just have to […]

Meanwhile Back At The State Department……

Following up on my last two posts involving “James Taylor Gate”, the scandal that has weakened us in the eyes of our European allies, I decided to pay a visit to the State Department. What is going on at the State Department? What type of internal culture does it have?  Who in their right mind thought that sending James Taylor to Paris was an act of smart diplomacy.  I was determined to find the answers. As I drove up to the State Department the first thing I noticed was that someone had left cake out in the rain. “Shame” I said […]

Thousands of Frightened Parisians Flee Scene Of James Taylor Concert……Or This Is Too Good For Just One Post

Yesterday I bravely reported on the James Taylor, Herman Munster John Kerry concert in France.  (Somebody has to. God knows the American press won’t.)  Tomorrow I will write about my undercover experience at the State Department. Today’s post will be devoted to the tragic aftermath in Paris.  The panic. The rioting.  The looting.  The destruction. “Eet was like zee revolution” said one frightened Parisian. Zee people run.  They flee! We set up barricades in the streets. We shoot. We sing patriotic songs.  All to stop zee Hermun Munster from hugging us. If the sight of an aging American recording artist […]

In Display of Solidarity President Obama Sends James Taylor to Paris

A week after the tragic terrorist attacks that left 17 Frenchmen dead, and with criticism mounting over his absence at the unity march that attracted world leaders, President Obama proved how serious he is about the transatlantic partnership by having singer/songwriter James Taylor sing for the still-grieving nation. “I want to French people to know that even if none of those killed were black, I still think this was a serious man-caused workplace violence event” said the President from his golf cart. From the moment I first heard the news I have been pondering what I can do to show […]

Why Does “American Sniper” Divide Us Into “Left” And “Right”?

Hat/Tip to Wordsmith at Flopping Aces. One of Flopping Aces’ best, Wordsmith delves into the phenomenon that is American Sniper. Here is his Op-Ed in its entirety: Whatever the truth about Chris Kyle (and I suspect, like most, the real Chris Kyle was a complex person; and lived tall tales while fabricating others), he is an American hero. My understanding of the film is that it’s not meant to make a political statement. But I suppose everything under the sun is political when you bring your politics with you in going to see movies. I’ve not seen the film yet, […]

The Decline and Fall of Who-ville

  The once friendly and unassuming city of Who-ville lies in ruins, bankrupt. Businesses left, never to return. It has seen its population decrease by 40 percent over the past three decades. How did this happen? It all starts with the Christmas Eve home invasion by the Grinch. Shocked that their town, technically at peace with the Grinch, was subject to such a devastating assault the political leaders of Who-ville enacted policies that would lead to their downfall. The Department of Who-ville Security Vowing never to be caught off guard again, the Department of Who-Ville Security was created by Who-ville’s mayor. […]

Yukon Cornelius Investigated for Possible Hate Crimes!

It has been announced that well-known North Pole prospector Yukon Cornelius is under investigation by the Island of Misfit Toys Department of Thought for possible hate crimes. “He’s been on our radar for awhile now” said Charlie-in-the-Box (pictured here), the Department of Thought’s sub-commissar.   His very presence has been an issue with some of our residents.  We live in peace as comrades.  Yukon is a known capitalist and what’s more a known rapist.  He uses his pickaxe of patriarchy to take from Mother Earth her precious natural resources. We here on the Island of Misfit Toys also have outlawed prejudice.  Mr. […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents the Man-Caused Workplace Violence by a Specific Subset of People We Aren’t Supposed to Mention Template™

With the tragic news coming out of Paris that a newspaper had been attacked and dozens killed the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ sprang into action to cover the story. Doing my duty as a member of the mainstream media I now present this handy template so readers can make sense of these events. Three men shot and killed 12 people at a newspaper in Paris because They were disaffected former employees It was a right-wing newspaper and they deserved what they got The motives of the shooters will probably remain a mystery Don’t you dare blame this on Islam […]

Jets Fire Gandalf!

  One week after firing head coach Rex Ryan and GM John Idzik after a disappointing 4-12 season the axe fell on the Jets offensive coordinator, Gandalf. “We had high hopes for Gandalf when he hired him” said the Jets owner, Woody Johnson.  “It just didn’t work out.” Before being hired by the Jets Gandalf was best known as a wizard who helped destroy the ring of all power.  Said Johnson: Even though he had no previous experience in professional football, or any experience at any level of football, in fact I don’t know if Middle Earth has even heard […]

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (Stage Name Bill de Blasio) Hospitalized with Butt Hurt!

  Embattled New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (stage name Bill de Blasio) was hospitalized today with an unknown ailment. “He came in on a stretcher” said a nurse. He was on his stomach and he had his butt up in the air.  He kept screaming, “It hurts.  It hurts.  God it hurts!”  The nurses gave him some sedation while the doctors took turns looking at his butt. Sources say that Mayor Wilhelm Jr., started to feel a discomfort in his butt while attending the funeral of slain NYPD officer Wenjian Liu. “As he was speaking he noticed that […]

My Exclusive Interview With 2016 Republican Presidential Nominee Jeb Bush

  With the 2016 election only a year away many contenders are crowding the field.  Today it is my honor to have the Republican Party’s presidential nominee for 2016, Jeb Bush sit down with me to answer my questions. MI: Good afternoon Mr, Bush. JB: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.  It is a pleasure to be here to answer your questions. MI: Let’s start out with the obvious:  Why are you running for President? JB: Because America deserves a man of my social station to lead them. MI: Um, what? JB: Precisely.  Far too often America chooses leaders of a low social station.  This is wrong.  This […]

An Open Letter to New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr.

Recently New York City Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) has begun constructing a fence around the perimeter of Gracie Mansion, the mayoral residence. The so-called “privacy fence” being constructed behind the existing historic red brick wall constitutes an affront to the citizens of New York City. In these days when our elite leaders oppose reinforcing the fence with Mexico they are building fences at their residences. (President Obama’s residence in Chicago is also being reinforced with a stronger fence.) I have decided to use today’s post to address this scar across the […]

Hell to Get WiFi!

Satan, CEO and CTO of Hell Enterprises has announced a sweeping new technology initiative that will greatly enhance the overall experience of Hell for tormented souls. “As the CEO I have a responsibility to my stockholders” explained Satan. This isn’t your father’s Hell.  It isn’t enough just to torment souls with eternal fire. People expect more nowadays.  We’ve had problems holding on to tormented souls. Many have left dissatisfied and gone into corporate America.  If I can’t retain damned souls I go out of business.  Adapt or die is my motto.  Well, actually my motto is die and be tormented forever but you […]

My Exclusive Interview With Presidential Assassin Lee Harvey Oswald

Today at Manhattan Infidel I’d like to welcome one of the most famous figures of the 20th century.  Lee Harvey Oswald himself. MI: Good afternoon Mr. Oswald. LHO: Hey, how are you doing? MI: I’m doing okay.  I’m sure my readers would like to know what you have been up to for the past 50 years. LHO: Oh you know, the usual.  Being tormented in hell fire for all eternity while I wait for the resurrection of the dead. MI: What happens then? LHO: I get reunited with my body and my torments will increase exponentially. MI: Sucks to be you. LHO: Yeah well, I’m a marine. I can […]

Republicans Promise To Do All They Can To Lose Big In 2016

In the month since they won sweeping majorities in the House and Senate, Republican leaders have begun to sit down and plot a losing strategy for 2016. “The American people have spoken and we have listened” declared the soon-to-be Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). They have sent a clear message that they want socialism.  They want big, intrusive government. They want redistribution of wealth.  They want America to become a socialist workers’ paradise.  Just not as quickly as the Democrats would do it.  That’s why we promise to continue Democratic policies.  But the march to socialism will be moderate. […]

Responding To Complaints Superman To Wear Undies Inside Tights

  Responding to complaints from parents, popular superhero Superman has announced that he will wear his underwear beneath his tights from now on. “Look I personally like this look” said the caped hero. I’ve been wearing it like this since college. It was something of a fad then.  Batman and I decided to wear our underwear outside our tights.  We called ourselves “The Outsiders.”  We liked the name and it stuck.  We used to do a lot of stuff together in college.  Some of it I don’t want to talk about.  But I understand if parents are complaining. It’s a […]

Lady Accuses Tramp of Microagression!

American cocker spaniel Lady has accused Tramp, her one-time companion, of microaggression and disrespecting her canine vagina. “I am an educated, professional cocker spaniel” said Lady. And I feel that Tramp has disrespected me.  He only wanted to sniff and mount me. I warned him that he needs to seek my verbal and/or written consent first but he just laughed.  I have cut of all contact with Tramp and notified him of my intention to seek a court order of protection from this canine beast! Lady’s story is typical of many professional female canines seeking to make it in a […]