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Manhattan Infidel

Republicans Promise To Do All They Can To Lose Big In 2016

In the month since they won sweeping majorities in the House and Senate, Republican leaders have begun to sit down and plot a losing strategy for 2016. “The American people have spoken and we have listened” declared the soon-to-be Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). They have sent a clear message that they want socialism.  They want big, intrusive government. They want redistribution of wealth.  They want America to become a socialist workers’ paradise.  Just not as quickly as the Democrats would do it.  That’s why we promise to continue Democratic policies.  But the march to socialism will be moderate. […]

Responding To Complaints Superman To Wear Undies Inside Tights

  Responding to complaints from parents, popular superhero Superman has announced that he will wear his underwear beneath his tights from now on. “Look I personally like this look” said the caped hero. I’ve been wearing it like this since college. It was something of a fad then.  Batman and I decided to wear our underwear outside our tights.  We called ourselves “The Outsiders.”  We liked the name and it stuck.  We used to do a lot of stuff together in college.  Some of it I don’t want to talk about.  But I understand if parents are complaining. It’s a […]

Lady Accuses Tramp of Microagression!

American cocker spaniel Lady has accused Tramp, her one-time companion, of microaggression and disrespecting her canine vagina. “I am an educated, professional cocker spaniel” said Lady. And I feel that Tramp has disrespected me.  He only wanted to sniff and mount me. I warned him that he needs to seek my verbal and/or written consent first but he just laughed.  I have cut of all contact with Tramp and notified him of my intention to seek a court order of protection from this canine beast! Lady’s story is typical of many professional female canines seeking to make it in a […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents: The Ferguson FUTURE Timeline

On August 9th 2014, Michael Brown, the so-called “gentle giant” of Ferguson, Missouri was shot dead by infamous white cop Darren Wilson.  The ensuing rioting both after the initial incident and after the grand jury report changed America forever.  Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we will use today’s post to examine the timeline of these momentous events. August 10th, 2015 – December 25th 2014 Initial rioting in and around Ferguson leads to millions in property damage and the arrest of hundreds. December 25th, 2014, the “Christmas Proclamation” President Obama, using the powers not delegated to him by the Constitution, […]

Peppermint Patty Marries Long-Time Lover Marcie

Patricia “Peppermint Patty” Reichardt  married her lover Marcie in a ceremony attended by Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Linus, Schroeder, Charlie Brown’s teacher and Peppermint Patty’s entire woman’s lacrosse semi-pro team. “This is the happiest day of my life” said Peppermint Patty after the ceremony. For a long time I thought I’d never see this day.  But I thank the Circuit Court in this state for legalizing same sex marriage.  It’s a step forward in the long march of civilization out of the dark ages. Now Marcie and I can hold our heads high and declare our love.  When asked when she […]

Spock Sues Star Fleet!

  Mr. Spock, formerly first officer of the Starship Enterprise is suing Star Fleet for “emotional damage due to discrimination” over a controversial incident at his Pon Farr ritual on his home world of Vulcan. While little is known of the specifics of the Pon Farr  (“It is not spoken of with outworlders” said Spock) it is known that he engaged in a duel to the death with his captain and best friend James T. Kirk (pictured here).   At the end of the duel Spock was the apparent victor and Kirk lay dead at his feet. After beaming back up […]

Your Daily Horoscope (The Ebola Edition)

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present to you the official daily horoscope.  I’m not sure I totally believe in horoscopes but sometimes they can be accurate.  (Like the time my horoscope told me that the burning wasn’t an eternal flame, to quote the Bangles, but gonorrhea.) Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22) You will experience a great surge of energy and enthusiasm.  And why not?  You’re back in the United States after an extended stay in Liberia as a doctor.  Boy didn’t Liberia suck?  All those feverish, dying Africans?  But now it’s time to relax and enjoy the American […]

My Exclusive Interview With the Ebola Virus

He’s the world’s hottest celebrity.  He’s in demand across the globe.  His name is on everyone’s lips and he has just arrived in New York City.  Only I have the journalist bona fides to snag an interview. Ladies and gentlemen I now present my exclusive interview with the Ebola virus. MI: Ebola it’s a pleasure to meet you. EV: Thank you.  It’s a pleasure to be here.  Let me start out by saying that I have experienced nothing but kindness from New Yorkers since I arrived.  Being a country boy I thought I’d be out of place in the big city but I […]

Elmer J. Fudd Shot Dead!

Local resident and hunting enthusiast Elmer J. Fudd was gunned down by a SWAT team today when he refused to give up his “assault” double-barreled shotgun. “We had no choice” said the Captain of the county’s newly-organized SWAT team. He refused to give up his shotgun, or rifle.  I don’t know what it was but it looked dangerous.  Probably some sort of modified assault weapon.  Look, haven’t we learned anything after the Newtown tragedy?  The state can no longer tolerate guns like that in the hands of citizens. That’s why Governor Cuomo signed the SAFE act into law. Fudd was known […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents The Official National Institutes of Health Budget for 2014

With the Ebola outbreak and the possibility of Americans dying of this disease, attention has focused on the National Institutes of Health (NIH).  Recently the director of the NIH, Dr. Francis Collins was quoted as saying that a vaccine for Ebola could have been found if not for budget cuts. With this in mind I have obtained the NIH budget for the year 2014 to see if there is anything in the budget they could cut to allocate more for Ebola research.  My findings indicate that sadly, nothing can be cut. In fiscal year 2014 the NIH spent: $325,555 for a study […]

Racist, Teabagging, Gun Crazy Canadians Suffer Gun Attack at Parliament Probably Caused by Canada’s Notorious Gun Culture; Manhattan Infidel Pleads for Stricter Gun Control Laws in Canada

The entire world was shocked today by a senseless shooting at Canada’s parliament building in Ottawa.  Reports indicate that one or possibly three or more shooters opened fire and killed a Canadian soldier. Like many in the mainstream media here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we were saddened by another act of gun violence and we place the blame exactly where it belongs:  Canada’s reckless and out of control wild west gun culture. How many more Canadians must die before Canada enacts strict gun control laws? As I write this the situation in Ottawa is described as “fluid, […]

Kim Jong-Un Feared Slightly Dead

North Korea’s Supreme dictator Kim Jong-Un has not been seen in public in over two months and there are fears that the secretive leader has been deposed or assassinated. “There are many things that could be wrong” said a spokesman with the CIA’s Department of Just Guessing About Shit. We really have no solid evidence what has happened to him. But this wouldn’t be the first time a supreme dictator has gone missing. His father disappeared for 80 days because of a stroke.  We have no evidence that his son is in bad health though he is corpulent enough to […]

President Obama Signs Endorsement Deal with Banana Republic

As his presidency winds down and looking to the future, President Obama signed a long-term endorsement deal with clothing and accessories retailer Banana Republic. Glenn K. Murphy, Chairman of the Board of The Gap, owners of Banana Republic, announced the deal at a press conference today. “When one thinks of a Banana Republic one thinks of political instability, the rule of one man and massive corruption” said Murphy. And who better to represent our brand name than the man who has done more to turn the United States into a Banana Republic than Barack Obama himself. Banana Republic and Barack Obama […]

A Special Message from the Centers for Disease Control

  With the Ebola outbreak in the news we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™  are taking a moment out of our busy schedule to give our readers the latest information from the Centers for Disease Control on how to protect yourself. Q:  What is the Ebola virus? A:  The Ebola virus (or Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever) is a highly contagious and deadly disease.  There is no known cure. Q:  Where did the Ebola virus originate? A:  Some say Africa, though of course that is speculation and racist. Q:  But weren’t the first recorded cases from sub-Saharan Africa? A:  We are […]

Secret Service Reveals White House Security Protocols

In another damaging blow to the Secret Service it was announced that bullet holes were found in the windows of the White House and that on another occasion an intruder had jumped the White House fence and gotten farther inside the Executive Mansion than previously reported. After Secret Service Director Julia Pierson was grilled on Capitol Hill she released her agency’s security protocols in an effort to allay criticism.  I now present to my readers said protocols. Gunfire is heard outside the Executive Mansion.  Agents should: Immediately remove the President from the danger. Investigate the gunfire. Declare an emergency. 1, 2 and […]

Marvin the Martian Ordered to Attend Anger Management Therapy

This man is angry. Very angry indeed.   Famed extra-terrestrial Marvin the Martian was ordered by a judge today to attend 200 hours of anger management counseling sessions after he once again threatened to destroy the Earth. “Mr. Martian” said the judge at the sentencing. I have listened to the testimony.  I have heard eyewitnesses describe how you planned to destroy the Earth with a, quote, “Earth-shattering kaboom” because it blocked your view of Venus.  You have admitted that you would do this if you could find your Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulater, which thank god has been banned by […]

President Obama Orders Bombing of Scottish Militants

Reacting to outrage over atrocities committed by Scottish separatists, President Obama today ordered a series of strikes at the heart of the Scottish Caliphate. “The civilized world has seen the horrors of the advance of Scottish culture” declared the President. We as a people can no longer stand by and watch the Scottish overrun the entire British Isle.  We owe it to our English friends to come to them in their time of need. I have called Queen Elizabeth and have assured her that we will stand by England in its hour of darkness. The United States and England are the two bastions […]

Manhattan Infidel: My Exclusive Interview with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have an exclusive interview with New York’s junior Senator,  the lovely Kirsten Gillibrand. MI: Good afternoon Senator Gillibrand. KG: You called me lovely?  You called me lovely?  I am not your girl toy! MI: Um, sorry. KG: Would you call Chuck Schumer lovely? MI: Well no.  He’s quite homely. KG: Precisely.  I am so sick of you non-Democratic men and your non-Democratic double standards of sexism. MI: Okay, okay.  Let’s start the interview.  In your new book you talk about a senator who called your porky.  Which senator was this? KG: I don’t remember.  I don’t remember his name. […]