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Manhattan Infidel

Help NBC Create Its Next Gay Sitcom Smash!

We’ll have a gay old time! Good news for all struggling writers, would-be writers, those curious about writing, those curious about writing but don’t want anyone to find out, those who wrote once but stopped because of shame and those who secretly write every Friday night in the bushes in Central Park. NBC needs help!  No, not meds for their executives.  NBC wants you to write their next sitcom! (That’s short for “situation comedy” for those of you who aren’t in the business.) As with anything in life, there are rules.  All NBC asks is that the sitcom “reflect the […]

Was James Franco’s Attempt to Lure an Underage Girl to a Hotel Room Caused by Global Warming?

Hi. I’m James Franco and 100-watt light bulbs increase my sex drive. Scandal rocked the tight-knit show biz community as it was alleged that award-winning actor James Franco tried to lure an underage girl to a hotel room for a tryst. When the news broke the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel sprang into action.  Dammit I used my safe word!  Stop! First off one must applaud the novelty of an actor trying to hook with an underage girl.  Props to you, Mr. Franco.  Props to you. But as much as I would like to applaud him it is my job […]

Manhattan Infidel (Finally) Examines the Mystery of Malaysian Flight 370

As always the fault lies with Sarah Palin In the weeks since the disappearance of Flight 370 many theories have been formed about what happened. I have been asked to put in my two cents.  Due to a previous commitment this opium den is like home to me I have been unable to before today. I will now divide the more prevalent theories into the not likely, the probable and the most likely.  I ask my readers to please not try this at home.  Remember, I am a professional blogger. The Not Likely Human error It has been theorized that human […]

Pope Meets Idiot

The Vatican supports the differentially-abled. My security guards will now show you out   In perhaps the greatest example of Christian forbearance and humility, Pope Francis, leader of the world’s Roman Catholics, met today with an idiot. The idiot from the United States arrived at the Vatican accompanied by fifty vehicles and heavily-armed security guards for his private meeting. “America is a great country” said Francis. What other country would treat an idiot like this?  They give him an escort with not one, not two, but fifty vehicles.  Truly America is a Christian nation. Escorted to meet the Pope, the […]

Keith Richards Writes Children’s Book!

I do not like green eggs and heroin.   Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones, has announced that he is writing a children’s book.   “It’s true” said Mr. Richards on his website.   I have just become a grandfather for the fifth time, so I know what I’m talking about. The bond, the special bond, between kids and grandparents is unique and should be treasured. I hope one day to have grandchildren.  What?  Five of them?  Are you sure?  How did this happen?  I don’t even remember having kids.   We here at the worldwide headquarters of […]

Alec Baldwin to Leave Public Life; My Exclusive Sit-Down With the Acclaimed Actor

I am tired of being oppressed!   Television personality Alec Baldwin, fed up with the demands of fame, has announced his intention to leave public life for good. Since the mission statement of the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel says clearly that “no stone will be left unturned in pursuit of the truth” (1) I have invited Mr. Baldwin to explain his reasons for leaving public life.   (1) My mission statement also mentions frequent lap dances from Minka Kelly   Manhattan Infidel would you like a lap dance?   but for the purposes of this post we will concentrate on pursuit […]

Not Working Will Set You Free

Not working will set you free.   With the news that the Affordable Health Care Act may cause two million people to leave the labor force, the Obama administration was quick to note the benefits that this will bring.   “Not working will set you free” declared press Secretary Jay Carney.   For the first time in recorded history people will be free not to work.  Imagine that. Instead of being forced to earn a living wage, probably because of cold-blooded Republican economic policies, people will be truly free. Free to devote time to traveling the globe.  Free to work […]

Your Orientation Letter From the Federal Administration of Corrective Labor Camps and Labor Settlements

Welcome to your education camp. May your stay be a productive one! Hello American: You are receiving this letter because you have been identified as having incorrect sentiments. According to your email and internet history you have expressed displeasure with the Federal government. While as an American you may be used to a certain degree of so-called free speech, your sentiments have proven that you are a danger to the State.  As a living, breathing entity, the State cannot tolerate threats from extremists such as yourself.   Therefore under the “Correct Thinking and Loyalty to the State” Act passed by […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents the Bill de Blasio Safe Driving Template™

Silly citizen! Rules are for serfs!   Shortly after announcing a 62-point safe streets initiative, the car containing Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) was filmed violating traffic laws including, but not limited to, going 15 miles over the speed limit, making illegal turns, driving through intersections and going past stop signs on several occasions.   With this in mind I now present the Bill de Blasio Safe Driving Template™.  (Silly citizen.  Rules are for serfs!)   The best way to get to an event on time is The subway Plan ahead […]

Manhattan Infidel Examines the 2016 Presidential Field

Even though 2016 is still two years away many are already speculating on the possible presidential contenders.  As a service to my readers I now present my take on those who may or may not run in 2016. First up:  The Democrats. Hillary Clinton  The former first lady, senator from New York and Secretary of State remains the clear front-runner among Democrats. She has over 40 years of Democratic policy making experience and was key in impeaching Richard Nixon.  This will clearly be in her favor.  On the negative side she will be 68 in 2014 and hasn’t been hot […]

Al-Qaeda Franchise Owner Discouraged by Government Regulations

I just want to kill the infidel. Why must I provide health insurance? For as long as he could remember, Abdul wanted to run his own business. “I wanted to work for myself and make a living doing it.” he said. And I also wanted to kill the infidel. Hey, who wouldn’t.  And I’m good at killing the infidel.  Granted, not as good as I am at boy love, but pretty damn good nevertheless. At the age of 20 Abdul opened his first al-Qaeda franchise, offering out of work Muslims the chance to kill infidels, as well as deliver delicious […]

The Times They Are a-Changin’: Bob Dylan Makes Superbowl Commercial

I am not Charlie Sheen! Those of you who were watching the Superbowl like me were probably surprised to see Charlie Sheen doing a commercial.  Surprise turned to shock when I found out that it wasn’t in fact Charlie Sheen but Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan?  The counterculture icon?  Doing a commercial for Chrysler?  That would be almost as bad as America voting for a socialist tyrant.  Twice.  Wait.  Never mind that actually happened. Anyway, for my readers who may have missed it I now present Bob Dylan’s Superbowl commercial.  Weep.  Weep for America. Is there anything more American than America? […]

Pete Seeger Killed by Whale

I love whales! Like that one over there who is….OH MY GOD IT’S EATING ME! Famed banjo player and unemployed person Pete Seeger was killed today while strolling along the banks of the Hudson River near his home in Beacon, New York. The famed peace activist, environmentalist and folk singer had told friends he was going out to stroll along the Hudson River to check for pollutants. “Pete always did this” said a friend. Every morning, no matter what the weather was he’d go down to the riverbank. Though he hated calling it a riverbank.  ”Bank implies capitalism, which I […]

Tips to Survive the Captain and Tennille Divorce Apocalpyse

God is dead and it’s time to loot and burn! Toni Tennille, one half of the singing duo of The Captain and Tennille, best know for their hit single, “Love Will Keep Us Together” has announced that she is seeking a divorce from the Captain, her husband of 39 years. The Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel has been expecting this news for some time now.  As the social fabric of this once great nation continues to unravel the divorce of the Captain and Tennille can only mean that the last strands of civilization left are gone. Loyalty.  Tradition.  Custom. Morality. […]

Pope Francis, In Nod to Conservatives, Calls Jesus “Son” of God

This man has been taken prisoner by the patriarchy   In an obvious conciliatory gesture to conservatives in the Church, Pope Francis today publicly called Jesus the “son of God.”     While Francis has often used this language in private, this is believed to be the first time he has used this phrase in public.  Vatican watchers are divided as to what the change means.   “This is a startling phrase” said the Religion editor for Rolling Stone magazine.   A phrase that many might find offensive. I would have preferred he had used the phrase “spirit of the […]

Manhattan Infidel Investigates Wendy Davis’ Past

Every thing in her resume is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. People often say to me, “Manhattan Infidel, you’re a fair man. You only whipped me 39 times for being late with the money I owed you.”   And that’s true.  I am a remarkably fair and nonpartisan individual guided by my overriding sense of justice. Recently there has been some controversy regarding Wendy Davis’ official biography.  And so, guided by my fairness and sense of justice I have obtained a copy of her resume for my readers to purview and I now give […]

My Exclusive Interview with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo

Manhattan Infidel, you have no place in New York! Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have as my guest the current chief executive of the empire state, Governor Andrew Cuomo himself. MI:  Good morning Governor Cuomo.  I want to start by asking you a few questions about some recent comments of yours. GC: You mean about how the Irish are savage pigs? MI: No. GC: You mean my comment that all Paddys should be banned from the workplace.   MI: Um, no. GC: Because the Irish savages should be.  I’d like to see a return to the days of the “No Irish Need […]

BridgeGate Rocks the Political World!

Bridgegate threatens the Chris Christie presidency. The political world was shaken to its foundations this past week when the presumptive 2016 Republican nominee Chris Christie  (shown here second from left with some aides) Governor Christie (second from left) with aides was accused of closing lanes at the George Washington bridge and causing massive traffic jams just to punish a political adversary. With my responsibility as a member of the MSM to investigate any story that would embarrass a Republican (even a RINO such as Christie) always on my mind I asked the governor for an interview which he was gracious […]

MSM Discovers Pope Francis is Catholic; Asks How this Happened

You mean he’s a Catholic? We wuz robbed! Shock and disbelief ran through the corridors of the mainstream media today after it was discovered that Pope Francis is Catholic. “How the hell does a thing like this happen” declared Time Magazine’s outraged managing editor, Nancy Gibbs. We just made him our man of the year. If we had known he was Catholic we never would have done that.  Catholics are evil.  The Church is evil.  Christians are evil. Republicans are evil.  Evil is everywhere except in the Democratic party.  Not that I’m saying evil exists because that would be making […]

My Exclusive Interview with Pajama Boy

I like hot cocoa except when it burns my throat   With there being much confusion regarding the Affordable Care Act (Is the website working, has my insurance company received my payment, when is the deadline) the Obama administration rolled out a new ad featuring the so-called “Pajama Boy” that was supposed to get people talking.  The ad was unsuccessful and Pajama Boy was roundly mocked.   Being a fair man except when drunk and/or on a hallucinogenic and/or chaining Olivia Wilde up in my basement I decided to let Pajama Boy tell his story.   MI: Good morning Pajama Boy […]

Star Fleet Establishes New Guidelines for Communicator Use

Yes, Captain. I’ve seen your penis before. No need to send me another selfie. Still reeling from the suspension of James T. Kirk for “inappropriate selfie sending“, the United Federation of Planets has implemented new procedures governing communicator protocol. “These communicators are for official business” said the president of the Federation of Planets. We can’t have our officers using them to send out pictures of their private regions.  It’s nonmilitary.  It’s bad for morale.  And it clutters the Federation servers.  We almost missed an attack by a Klingon Bird of Prey when our network crashed because of Kirk’s thousands of […]

Tragedy Strikes Global Warming Cruise

Next year I’m definitely going with Disney cruise lines. Tragedy struck when a research ship, studying the effects of global warming was trapped in a flow of ice near Antarctica and crushed, killing all on board. The Russian ship Akademik Shokalskiy became trapped in a thick flow of ice on Christmas day.  All attempts to rescue the passengers and crew were hampered by the record ice. “We came here to study the effects of man-made global warming” said the research director. Sea ice is disappearing everywhere.  I mean there is no sea ice left whatsoever! The science is settled.  As […]

Schroeder Shot Dead!

Popular pianist Schroeder, who once wowed audiences with his talent, has been discovered dead, the apparent victim of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Police discovered his body slumped over his piano.  In his hand was a note that said, “I ask my fans to forgive me.” Immediately expressions of sympathy poured in from throughout the world.  From the Republic of South Africa, President Jacob Zuma praised Schroeder for his piano playing and his commitment to social justice. He often came here and played for our brothers at a time when a white musician to play for us was illegal.  He treated […]

My Exclusive Interview with Phil Robertson

I hate A&E!   As everyone is now aware, Phil Robertson of A&E’s wildly popular “Duck Dynasty” has been suspended indefinitely by the network after his controversial statements regarding homosexuality.  I am lucky enough to have Phil here today for an exclusive sit down.   Manhattan Infidel: Good morning Mr. Robertson. Phil Robertson: Good morning sir.  It’s a pleasure to be here. Manhattan Infidel: Let’s get right to the controversy.  You’ve been suspended by A&E after you equated homosexuality with sin. Phil Robertson: Yes.  It was an honest question so I gave an honest answer.  According to my beliefs as a Christian homosexuality is […]

Zombie Bing Crosby Terrorizes Families

 Warning:  Some “colorful” language within, might not be good for little ones. -Matt Mmmm. That flesh tastes sweet Christmas Eve.  A time of peace and caroling.  Stockings are hung by the fire in hopes that the patriarchal paradigm will reward us for our submissive behavior.  Soon St. Nick will appear. Unless you die first, of course.  Police in the metro area are getting reports of a sloppily dressed crooner with a pipe singing for people and then eating them. “The front door rang” said one survivor. And I opened the door.  Bing Crosby was standing there in the flesh.  Well, […]

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