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Manhattan Infidel

Peppermint Patty Marries Long-Time Lover Marcie

Patricia “Peppermint Patty” Reichardt  married her lover Marcie in a ceremony attended by Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Linus, Schroeder, Charlie Brown’s teacher and Peppermint Patty’s entire woman’s lacrosse semi-pro team. “This is the happiest day of my life” said Peppermint Patty after the ceremony. For a long time I thought I’d never see this day.  But I thank the Circuit Court in this state for legalizing same sex marriage.  It’s a step forward in the long march of civilization out of the dark ages. Now Marcie and I can hold our heads high and declare our love.  When asked when she […]

Spock Sues Star Fleet!

  Mr. Spock, formerly first officer of the Starship Enterprise is suing Star Fleet for “emotional damage due to discrimination” over a controversial incident at his Pon Farr ritual on his home world of Vulcan. While little is known of the specifics of the Pon Farr  (“It is not spoken of with outworlders” said Spock) it is known that he engaged in a duel to the death with his captain and best friend James T. Kirk (pictured here).   At the end of the duel Spock was the apparent victor and Kirk lay dead at his feet. After beaming back up […]

Your Daily Horoscope (The Ebola Edition)

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present to you the official daily horoscope.  I’m not sure I totally believe in horoscopes but sometimes they can be accurate.  (Like the time my horoscope told me that the burning wasn’t an eternal flame, to quote the Bangles, but gonorrhea.) Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22) You will experience a great surge of energy and enthusiasm.  And why not?  You’re back in the United States after an extended stay in Liberia as a doctor.  Boy didn’t Liberia suck?  All those feverish, dying Africans?  But now it’s time to relax and enjoy the American […]

My Exclusive Interview With the Ebola Virus

He’s the world’s hottest celebrity.  He’s in demand across the globe.  His name is on everyone’s lips and he has just arrived in New York City.  Only I have the journalist bona fides to snag an interview. Ladies and gentlemen I now present my exclusive interview with the Ebola virus. MI: Ebola it’s a pleasure to meet you. EV: Thank you.  It’s a pleasure to be here.  Let me start out by saying that I have experienced nothing but kindness from New Yorkers since I arrived.  Being a country boy I thought I’d be out of place in the big city but I […]

Elmer J. Fudd Shot Dead!

Local resident and hunting enthusiast Elmer J. Fudd was gunned down by a SWAT team today when he refused to give up his “assault” double-barreled shotgun. “We had no choice” said the Captain of the county’s newly-organized SWAT team. He refused to give up his shotgun, or rifle.  I don’t know what it was but it looked dangerous.  Probably some sort of modified assault weapon.  Look, haven’t we learned anything after the Newtown tragedy?  The state can no longer tolerate guns like that in the hands of citizens. That’s why Governor Cuomo signed the SAFE act into law. Fudd was known […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents The Official National Institutes of Health Budget for 2014

With the Ebola outbreak and the possibility of Americans dying of this disease, attention has focused on the National Institutes of Health (NIH).  Recently the director of the NIH, Dr. Francis Collins was quoted as saying that a vaccine for Ebola could have been found if not for budget cuts. With this in mind I have obtained the NIH budget for the year 2014 to see if there is anything in the budget they could cut to allocate more for Ebola research.  My findings indicate that sadly, nothing can be cut. In fiscal year 2014 the NIH spent: $325,555 for a study […]

Racist, Teabagging, Gun Crazy Canadians Suffer Gun Attack at Parliament Probably Caused by Canada’s Notorious Gun Culture; Manhattan Infidel Pleads for Stricter Gun Control Laws in Canada

The entire world was shocked today by a senseless shooting at Canada’s parliament building in Ottawa.  Reports indicate that one or possibly three or more shooters opened fire and killed a Canadian soldier. Like many in the mainstream media here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we were saddened by another act of gun violence and we place the blame exactly where it belongs:  Canada’s reckless and out of control wild west gun culture. How many more Canadians must die before Canada enacts strict gun control laws? As I write this the situation in Ottawa is described as “fluid, […]

Kim Jong-Un Feared Slightly Dead

North Korea’s Supreme dictator Kim Jong-Un has not been seen in public in over two months and there are fears that the secretive leader has been deposed or assassinated. “There are many things that could be wrong” said a spokesman with the CIA’s Department of Just Guessing About Shit. We really have no solid evidence what has happened to him. But this wouldn’t be the first time a supreme dictator has gone missing. His father disappeared for 80 days because of a stroke.  We have no evidence that his son is in bad health though he is corpulent enough to […]

President Obama Signs Endorsement Deal with Banana Republic

As his presidency winds down and looking to the future, President Obama signed a long-term endorsement deal with clothing and accessories retailer Banana Republic. Glenn K. Murphy, Chairman of the Board of The Gap, owners of Banana Republic, announced the deal at a press conference today. “When one thinks of a Banana Republic one thinks of political instability, the rule of one man and massive corruption” said Murphy. And who better to represent our brand name than the man who has done more to turn the United States into a Banana Republic than Barack Obama himself. Banana Republic and Barack Obama […]

A Special Message from the Centers for Disease Control

  With the Ebola outbreak in the news we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™  are taking a moment out of our busy schedule to give our readers the latest information from the Centers for Disease Control on how to protect yourself. Q:  What is the Ebola virus? A:  The Ebola virus (or Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever) is a highly contagious and deadly disease.  There is no known cure. Q:  Where did the Ebola virus originate? A:  Some say Africa, though of course that is speculation and racist. Q:  But weren’t the first recorded cases from sub-Saharan Africa? A:  We are […]

Secret Service Reveals White House Security Protocols

In another damaging blow to the Secret Service it was announced that bullet holes were found in the windows of the White House and that on another occasion an intruder had jumped the White House fence and gotten farther inside the Executive Mansion than previously reported. After Secret Service Director Julia Pierson was grilled on Capitol Hill she released her agency’s security protocols in an effort to allay criticism.  I now present to my readers said protocols. Gunfire is heard outside the Executive Mansion.  Agents should: Immediately remove the President from the danger. Investigate the gunfire. Declare an emergency. 1, 2 and […]

Marvin the Martian Ordered to Attend Anger Management Therapy

This man is angry. Very angry indeed.   Famed extra-terrestrial Marvin the Martian was ordered by a judge today to attend 200 hours of anger management counseling sessions after he once again threatened to destroy the Earth. “Mr. Martian” said the judge at the sentencing. I have listened to the testimony.  I have heard eyewitnesses describe how you planned to destroy the Earth with a, quote, “Earth-shattering kaboom” because it blocked your view of Venus.  You have admitted that you would do this if you could find your Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulater, which thank god has been banned by […]

President Obama Orders Bombing of Scottish Militants

Reacting to outrage over atrocities committed by Scottish separatists, President Obama today ordered a series of strikes at the heart of the Scottish Caliphate. “The civilized world has seen the horrors of the advance of Scottish culture” declared the President. We as a people can no longer stand by and watch the Scottish overrun the entire British Isle.  We owe it to our English friends to come to them in their time of need. I have called Queen Elizabeth and have assured her that we will stand by England in its hour of darkness. The United States and England are the two bastions […]

Manhattan Infidel: My Exclusive Interview with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have an exclusive interview with New York’s junior Senator,  the lovely Kirsten Gillibrand. MI: Good afternoon Senator Gillibrand. KG: You called me lovely?  You called me lovely?  I am not your girl toy! MI: Um, sorry. KG: Would you call Chuck Schumer lovely? MI: Well no.  He’s quite homely. KG: Precisely.  I am so sick of you non-Democratic men and your non-Democratic double standards of sexism. MI: Okay, okay.  Let’s start the interview.  In your new book you talk about a senator who called your porky.  Which senator was this? KG: I don’t remember.  I don’t remember his name. […]

Government Nationalizes Burger King!

With the stroke of his pen, President Obama today ordered the nationalization of all Burger King restaurants in the United States as well as any and all profit Burger King may make. “This is a great day for America” beamed the President in his stylish tan suit. No longer will private companies be allowed to avoid paying their fair share of taxes. This decision of Burger King to buy the Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s and move to Canada was nothing more than a sordid tax dodge.  I have stopped this. Congress wouldn’t act so I did.  I have a pen. […]

Manhattan Infidel: Horoscope Time! (The Rudimentary Lathe Edition)

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel we are taking a break from the depressing world of politics to recharge our batteries.  And what better way to do that than to present yet another horoscope. Horoscope valid in continental United States only.  Do not read horoscope if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.  Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough before reading a horoscope. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20) You don’t have to push yourself every  moment of every day.  But you probably should push yourself now.  I […]

Manhattan Infidel’s Exclusive Interview with Cee Lo Green

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my pleasure to interview one half of the hip hop group Gnarls Barkley and one of the hosts of “The Voice” currently seen on NBC, Cee Lo Green. MI: Good afternoon Mr. Green. CLG: Let’s make this quick honky.  I got stuff to do. MI: Um.  Okay.  Let’s start off with the recent controversy surrounding your comments on rape.  You were convicted of felony ecstasy possession and you were accused of giving ecstasy to a woman you had sex with. CLG: Yeah I gave the bitch some of my stuff.  Bitch never thanked me for it.  What of it? […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents a Job Listing: Can You Destroy Evidence for the IRS?

Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I often find myself wondering about my readers.  Are they happy?  Are they employed? Do they have naked photos they might want to share? Okay so I lied about the first one and as for the naked photos I am currently prohibited from looking at any naked photos sent to me (the terms of my parole are very strict).  But jobs?  I think I can help with that.  I want all of my readers employed so they can pay their utility bill and continue to browse the internet. And so, without further adieu I now […]