Non-Intimacy between teachers and students will not be tolerated! Parents, fellow teachers and school administrators are dealing with the fallout after a popular high school teacher admitted that she hasn’t slept with any of her students. “Teenage boys just aren’t my thing” she told shocked colleagues. The principal of the teacher in question has asked for calm and sent out a letter to parents that said in part: Just because one teacher doesn’t sleep with her student doesn’t mean that our school doesn’t maintain the highest standards. On behalf of the entire district I would just like to say that [...]
Manhattan Infidel
Manhattan Infidel: I’m Back! (The Gallbladder of Peace Edition)
An artist’s representation of Manhattan Infidel’s gallbladder in it’s natural peace-loving state For the past few days many people have been wondering about my whereabouts. And not just the usual suspects (parole officers, ex-wives, pimps I owe money to, trannies I haven’t paid). No, the respectable, internet-dwelling readers of this blog have wondered where I have been. Last Friday after spending some time watching the news (apparently there was a teenager on the loose with a gun that made the entire city of Boston cower in fear) I went off to work. Twelve hours later I was in the ER [...]
Senator McConnell’s Office Bugged; Will McConnell Apologize?
A guilty looking Mitch McConnell Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has had his office bugged, leading to embarrassing revelations about his campaign against the puffy-faced martyr Ashley Judd. “This is just like Watergate” said Democratic National Committee chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz. The similarities are striking. In Watergate we had an evil Republican seeking dirt on political opponents. Now we have an evil Republican seeking dirt on political opponents. In Watergate Nixon ordered the break in of the Democratic National Committee’s headquarters. Now we have a Republican whose office is illegally wiretapped. Um. You know what. Let’s not talk about [...]
Dora The Explorer Goes Missing
Famed Nickelodeon personality Dora the Explorer has gone missing in Central American and has not been heard from in over a week, prompting a full scale search and rescue effort funded by Nickelodeon and The U.S. State Department. “I don’t know where she is” lamented Dora’s mother. “I just want my daughter back. Okay, I just want her paycheck back. Does that make me a bad person?” Dora was last seen in the jungles of El Salvador where she had gone on her latest exploration. “She might have inadvertently gotten herself into trouble” said a spokesman for Nickelodeon. Dora’s knowledge [...]
Itinerant Preacher Abandons Class Struggle
Ye Old New York Times. All the news that’s fit for socialism Dateline, Jerusalem. 33 A.D. Ye Olde New Yorke Times An itinerant preacher by the name of Jesus abandoned all efforts to raise the standard of living of Judea’s poor by going back to his father. Jesus was subject to the death penalty over the weekend for repeatedly calling for those in the Roman occupation to provide jobs and training for the oppressed Palestinians. We here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times have been following Jesus’ career closely from the first moment he burst onto the scene. allying himself [...]
From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives, July 20, 2035: Satan Expels Al Gore from Hell
In a move that surprised many, Satan today announced that he has permanently banned Al Gore from Hell. “I just couldn’t take it anymore” Satan told reporters during a conference call to explain his actions. I mean from the moment he died and ended up down here he’s been nothing but a pain in the ass. The other damned souls can’t stand him. He keeps going from one circle of Hell to the other talking about reducing one’s carbon footprint. Look, I’m the Devil. I’m the one who’s supposed to be doing the torturing. I had to tell him to [...]
Grease Fire Kills Olivia Newton-John
Ms. Olivia Newton-John pictured here before her untimely death Tragedy struck the tight-night world of show business today as legendary singer Olivia Newton-John was killed in a grease fire at her residence in Florida. Reports indicate that Ms. Newton-John was cooking a meal for husband, John Easterling when the fire broke out. Instead of placing a cover on the pan and smothering the fire she apparently threw flour on it, mistakenly believing that she was throwing baking soda. It was then that Ms. Newton-John was caught in the grease fire and began to burn. Her husband after unsuccessfully attempting [...]
Right Angles Declared Racist
The teaching of right angles will be dropped from the curriculum of America’s public schools after it was announced that they are considered “racist and not in keeping with mainstream American values.” Declared DNC chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz: If President Obama’s election and reelection have shown anything, it is that it is time for America to move beyond its racist days of slavery, Jim Crow, Ku Klux Klanism and Republican party policies. Pressure had been building for years to stop teaching about right angles. Two years ago Michael Mulgrew (pictured here) of the United Federation of Teachers told a group [...]
Manhattan Infidel’s Rountable Discussion
Over the years at Manhattan Infidel I have had the pleasure of interviewing many figures one on one but today I will have the my first ever roundtable discussion. Joining me in the roundtable will be Morrissey, Jim Carrey, Mayor Michael Bloomberg and a horse. MI: Good day to you all gentlemen. Morrissey: I weep for the Earth. JC: You have no soul! MB: I can have you banned! Horse: It’s always a pleasure. MI: The rules of the roundtable are simple. I will propose a topic and you chime in when you have something to say. Okay. [...]
E-Trade Baby Enters Rehab
The baby made famous in the the E-Trade commercials has entered rehab, citing an addiction to “poop” brought on by “stress and dehydration.” “It’s true” said the baby’s agent. My client is going through a very rough patch in his life right now. The stress of his career, the fame, all this came on too quickly for the young tyke. We should all pray for him and for a quick recovery. The E-Trade baby, known professionally as “Cacca pee pee” had shot to fame with a series of Superbowl commercials. Answering an open casting call he impressed everyone immediately [...]
My Exclusive Interview with Ashley Judd
Since the days of Ronald Reagan it has become quite commonplace for actors to enter the realm of politics. The latest actor to flirt with the idea of running for office is box office star Ashley Judd, who is considering challenging Mitch McConnell in the race for Senator from Kentucky. I was lucky to snag an interview with Ms. Judd. MI: Good afternoon Ms. Judd. AJ: Thank you Manhattan Infidel it’s good to be here. MI: Let’s talk about your foray into politics. You have talked about running for senator in Kentucky. AJ: Yes I believe that by running I [...]
Government Maps the Human Brain (Part II)
Yesterday I detailed the government’s extraordinary findings on the workings of the Democratic brain. Today I will present to my readers the results of the government’s mappings of the Republican brain. The results are truly remarkable. Unlike the Democratic brain, the Republican brain shows new growth. “We were shocked by this” said a scientist. We expected growth in brain size with Democrats, since we Democrats are much smarter and intellectually aware than Republicans. But the Republican Cerebral cortex had grown a whole new lobe. We didn’t know at first what function this lobe played in the brain. It was [...]
Government Maps The Human Brain (Part I)
During President Obama’s recent State of the Union address he mentioned that “our scientists are mapping the human brain” leading to speculation on when the mapping would be done and what would be discovered. The wait is over. The Brain Activity Map Project, as it is called, has been finished. And what it reveals about the brain has scientist startled. “We found profound differences in brain activity between Democrats and Republicans” said a neuroscientist involved with the project. In the interest of the dissemination of knowledge I will now present the government’s findings in two parts. Part One will [...]
Mnahattan Infidel Celebrates Four Years of Blogging: World Suffers Accordingly
On February 20, 2009. Something so vile…something so sinister…and something so despicable, took the Conservative Blogoshpere by force… Manhattan Infidel At first, he seemed harmless, only writing about the dismemberment of childhood icons, and anal leakage. Then, his writing took a more sinister turn, with many references to hookers and crawlspaces. Obsessed with certain FOX News-babe, the Infidel continued to push the limits of journalism, and probably his bail bondman. Finally, he revealed his master plan… To operate underground salt mines all over the world…and to disintegrate people…lot’s and lot’s of people. Manhattan Infidel should be considered armed, and extremely [...]
Rhinovirus Devastates Republicans
Several Republicans on Capitol Hill have fallen ill with the Rhinovirus, it has been learned. Lindsey Graham, John McCain, John Boehner among other prominent Republicans are among those affected by the pernicious virus. “It is flu season” said a Washington D.C. doctor treating the Republican lawmakers. Still at the very least one would think that these men would be more careful. They are busy, important men with constituencies to take care of. But once they get infected with the Rhinovirus they are pretty much useless. Congressman Graham was the first to come ill, complaining of a runny nose and a [...]
Homeland Security Advises Americans to Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight
Greetings from the Department of Homeland Security. We in the Department take the responsibility to protect Americans seriously. That is why in the wake of the Newtown shootings we have provided our citizens with this handy set of instructions on how to survive an active shooter scenario. At some point in your career as an office worker you shall be faced with the horrifying scenario of gunshots and fallen coworkers. What do you do? You are unarmed (as you should be.) How do you defend yourself? Do not despair. If you follow these easy steps you stand an excellent chance of [...]
Willie Wonka Shuts Down his Chocolate Factory
Famed billionaire industrialist Willie Wonka has shut down his chocolate factory, throwing hundreds of Oompa-Loompas out of work and denying children throughout the world his candy bars. “I didn’t have much of a choice” said Wonka. The EPA was coming after me. The government raised my taxes because they wanted me to pay my “fair share” whatever the hell that means. With the health reform law taking effect I had to pay a fine if I didn’t give the Oompa-Loompas birth control. I tell you it’s just a mess. And I’m not the only one who feels that way. I’ve [...]
From Ye Olde New Yorke Times: Demand a Plan to End Musket Violence in the Colonies
Dateline April 19, 1775. Ye Olde New Yorke Times We here at Ye Old New Yorke Times have just received word of a gun-inspired massacre of innocents in the colony of Massachusetts Bay. How long must we be held hostage to Musket violence? We here at Ye Olde New Yorke Times used to content ourselves with the position that it was time to register all Muskets. That it was time to tax bullets. But now we must change our position. The brave Regulars, the brave King’s Troops were needlessly cut down by a gang of wild musket owners. And [...]
Scotty Dismayed by New Graphical Interface Aboard Star Ships
Captain Montgomery Scott of Star Fleet in his retirement speech expressed dismay at the direction Star Fleet has taken. He particularly expressed his disgust at the graphical interface aboard the new star ships. In my day an engineer was looked up to and respected. Sure the Captain got all the glory but the engineer was the brains. We were the ones crawling around in Jeffries tubes and not being electrocuted. We were the intellects in Star Fleet. When I started out the fleet was using Star Fleet 3.1 as the operating system for its ships. And that system [...]
Manhattan Infidel Presents: A Sampling of This Year’s Christmas Specials
Here at the headquarters of Manhattan Infidel our mission statement mentions our pride in disseminating the latest in culture. And what says culture more than a cheap made for TV movie? The mission statement also mentions I am lactose-intolerant. Yet I also love to eat pizza with extra cheese. While eating ice cream. And practicing auto-eroticism. And drinking milk. And now with the Christmas holiday behind us it is time to review this year’s top Christmas-themed specials. And please, lay off the cheese. I have a sensitive digestive tract. Unlike the innocent Christmas specials of the past which featured singers [...]
Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys
For years Santa had stopped at the Island of Misfit Toys. But no more. “I wouldn’t go near that place anymore” said Santa. “It’s more dangerous than Mexico, Afghanistan or Detroit.” The culprit is politics. For years the Island of Misfit Toys had been ruled by King Moonracer (pictured here), an absolute, hereditary monarch. But not all were happy with his rule. Chief among them was Charlie-in-the-Box (seen here.) Charlie, who sees himself as the Island’s resident intellectual, had taken to reading the Federalist Papers and the Declaration of Independence. Dissatisfied with his position as a subject he began to push for more [...]
Bob Costas Blames Controversial Tim Tebow Non-Shooting on Religion; Calls for “Jesus Control”
In the wake of another weekend gone by without a shooting by Tim Tebow, NBC sports personality Bob Costas used halftime to speak on the subject and advocate for “Jesus Control.” We here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel are not in the business of advocating for any position. But in my capacity as a bitter, lonely alcoholic who has never known the touch of a woman member of the mainstream media I have decided to give the full transcript of Costas’ remarks. In the aftermath of the nonfatal nonshooting nontragedy involving notorious Christian Tim Tebow that most mindless of sports [...]
Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Lindsay Lohan Malfeasance Template™
If it’s Friday at Manhattan Infidel that can only mean one thing: seeing a doctor about that burning sensation. But while Manhattan Infidel gets poked and prodded by a (hopefully) hot, young female doctor here for your reading pleasure is the Lindsay Lohan Malfeasance Template™ Linday Lohan was arrested for: A disturbance in a night club A disturbance in an alleyway A disturbance in a hotel room A disturbance in an elevator Being on the grassy knoll in Dallas Does it matter what she was arrested for? Seriously. Police say that Lohan Punched a woman Punched a man Punched a [...]
Orville Redenbacher Scandal Widens
The controversy surrounding Orville Redenbacher and his iconic brand of popcorn grows deeper with each stunning revelation. The scandal first erupted when several college students made trips to emergency rooms complaining that they couldn’t sleep, were nervous, couldn’t concentrate and that their testicles had dropped off. “At first we though they were Business Administration majors because, you know, like capitalism is evil” said one ER doctor. But then more people from different walks of life started complaining of the same symptoms. Doctors from the Center for Disease Control arrived to conduct an investigation. What they found surprised and troubled them. Before [...]
Manhattan Infidel’s Ten-Point Plan to Get the Hispanic Vote
The defeat of the Republican candidate for president was in large part due to the loss of the all-important Hispanic (or is it Latino?) vote. Having spent the entire week since the election pouring over the available data moving the bodies from my crawlspace to a remote upstate location I now present my exclusive ten-point program to win the Latino (or is it Hispanic?) vote. But first let me address a few words to my Hispanic (or is it Latino?) friends. My Spanish is faulty so I apologize for butchering your fine language that has brought the world so much besides [...]
FBI Uncovers Consensual Relationship Between Adults
The Federal Bureau of Investigation, long known by its nickname “The Privacy Penetraters” has set the world of Washington DC afire with the discovery of the affair between CIA director David Petraeus and his biographer Paula Broadwell. Speaking from Washington, FBI director Robert Mueller told reporters that The FBI prides itself on uncovering and destroying two things: Organized crime and consensual relationships between adults. But mainly consensual relationships between adults. Oh hell who am I kidding. We don’t touch organized crime. Those guys are dangerous. We are all civil servants making a civil servant’s salary. Who wants to get killed over [...]
Apple Enters Partnership With The Borg
The Borg Collective and Apple Computers have announced an exclusive and far-reaching partnership that will transform and update the Borg Model and make it competitive in the interstellar marketplace. In a statement released today Apple CEO Tim Cook said: Apple is excited about this new partnership and recognize the galaxy-wide brand name of the Borg. We feel that this new initiative will help the Borg tap into the youth market here on Earth. We welcome the Borg Queen onto our Board of Directors and look forward to a long and profitable relationship. Apple also revealed the first Borg to be [...]
An Exclusive Look at Obama’s Debate Notepad
Those who watched last night’s debate between President Obama and Republican Challenger Mitt Romney may have noticed both candidates frequently writing notes on a slip of paper. You may have wondered, “What are they writing?” After the debate was over I was lucky enough to slip past security (apparently more security was requested but turned down) and take Obama’s debate notepad. Now many may be saying that I have no right to publish it. But like the Pentagon Papers, this notepad is simply too important to not see the light of day. I now present President Obama’s debate notepad [...]
My Exclusive Interview with Big Bird
Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present to my readers a character who has been much in the news lately, the one and only Big Bird himself. MI: Good morning Big Bird. It’s a pleasure to meet you. BB: Hi. I’m Big Bird. I’m a friend of Kermit’s. We both live on Sesame Street. MI: Um. Yeah. Listen my readers would like to know if you have any reaction to finding yourself an issue in the middle of the Presidential campaign? BB: Oh I like Presidents. I once met Mrs. Nixon and President Nixon in the White House. MI: Yeah that’s nice. Anyway [...]
Navigating the Muslim Outrage Scale™
With the events of the past two weeks, the burning of embassies, the killing of Americans, bodies being dragged through the streets, I have begun to worry about the safety of you, my readers. So using my expertise in software making shit up I have devised a handy “Muslim Outrage” guideline. Read this for your own safety. Because there is nothing I care more about than the safety of my readers. Unless it’s Asian hookers. But mostly I worry about the safety of my readers. After my Asian hooker needs have been fulfilled of course. Movies Movies rate a 9.7 out of [...]
Swedish Chef Shot Dead!
Popular TV personality The Swedish Chef was gunned down by police at a DWI checkpoint last night. According to state troopers at approximately 1:27 am a BMV driven by the Swedish Chef approached the DWI checkpoint and was ordered to stop. We approached said vehicle and asked the driver to turn off the ignition. We then asked the driver if he had been drinking that night. He responded by saying, “Gerpity derp derp. Bort Bort Bort!” Naturally none of us was able to understand this nonsense which raised our suspicions. The Chef was then asked to egress from the vehicle, [...]
Palestinians Riot After Romney Says They Aren’t Interested in Peace
The day after Mitt Romney’s controversial and racist statement that the Palestinians aren’t interested in peace, thousands of outraged Palestians proved him wrong by rioting for peace. The trouble started when the racist candidate of the racist Republican party told a crowd, and I can’t believe that an intelligent person would even say such a thing, that the Palestinians are “committed to the destruction and elimination of Israel.” Once Klansman Romney’s despicable comments became know to the peaceful corner of the world known as the Gaza Strip, thousands of aggrieved, violent, Molotov-cocktail wielding, yet peace-loving Palestinians took out their [...]
Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Rioting Muslim Template™
With the riots in Libya and Egypt I have decided, for the benefit of my readers who may be unaware of the root causes of such riots, to publish the Rioting Muslim Template™. As always, if you are caught or killed in a Muslim riot the President of the United States will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Then he will apologize. Then he will deny the apology. Then he will accuse his opponent in the election of playing politics. Then he will jet off to New York for a $40,000 a plate fundraiser. Muslims riot and storm U.S. embassies [...]
You Belong to Us (the U.S. Government)
Note: The following email has been sent to all citizens and undocumented illegals residing in the United States. Greetings to all beneficiaries of rights granted by the United States Government! As the campaign season begins let us all step back a moment to embrace the many benefits of belonging to the United States Government. Government is the only thing that we all belong to. We’re different churches (some unfortunately like the Catholic Church who continue to wage war on women), different clubs (some like the Boy Scouts who unfortunately continue to wage war on the differentially-sexed) but we’re together as [...]
My Exclusive Interview with the World’s Biggest Asshat
Today at Manhattan Infidel as part of my continuing series of exclusive interviews with popular public personages I am pleased to interview the current mayor of Gotham, his honor Michael Bloomberg, aka, the World’s Biggest Asshat (”WBA“). MI: Good afternoon your Honor. WBA: Thank you for having me here Manhattan Infidel. MI: Before we start do you mind? I’m thirsty. [Takes a drink.] Man I love these 32-ounce big gulps. Especially on hot summer days. WBA: Manhattan Infidel may I just say that what you are doing is breaking the law. 32-ounce so-called big gulps have been made illegal by my administration. MI: Why? [Continues [...]
Baghdad Bob Named New Head of DNC!
In news that shocked everyone in Washington, the Democratic National Committee has replaced its Chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz with Muhammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, better know to an earlier generation as “Bagdad Bob.” “We were all fond of Debbie” said DNC executive director Patrick Gaspard. “But we felt she lacked the aggressiveness to combat those who oppose his eminence President Obama and his government. Bob is perfect for us.” At his introductory press conference Muhammed promised a new “air of civility and a commitment to veracity.” When asked about President Obama’s low poll numbers he said: These villains, and particularly the villains Bush and [...]
How to Safely Observe Obama
It is a presidential election year in America where the candidates for the Democratic and Republican parties fan out across our great country giving speeches to the public. But with the speeches comes a disturbing phenomenon. All throughout 2008 there were reports of a rapturous populous collapsing during Obama’s speeches. And with the recent fainting of 20 at an Obama speech in Roanoke, Virginia it seems history is repeating itself in 2012. Concerned for the well-being of Americans and not wishing anyone to be inconvenienced at an Obama campaign event I have devised the following fool-proof way to avoid fainting [...]
Man Regrets Buying Sh?bijin at Garage Sale
Local resident Bob Walker, 43, regrets his decision to buy two sh?bijin (literally “small beauties“) at a garage sale. I was originally going to buy his set of Monkees vinyl albums when I noticed this straw lunchbox like thing. I asked what it was and he said he had a pair of sh?bijin in it that he bought on Craigslist. I took a look inside and there were these two very small Japanese girls. So I immediately bought them. He seemed very happy to get rid of them. I should have been suspicious of that. Upon bringing his sh?bijin home [...]
Manhattan Infidel to Impose a Tax
Fast on the heels of the Supreme Court’s historic decision to uphold Obamacare, I, the Manhattan Infidel, have decided to levy a tax on all Americans who do not visit my blog and hit up my tip jar. Accordingly, starting on Thursday July 12, 2012, all those who do not visit my blog will be taxed 55% of your base earnings. I do this because I care about America it will make me richer. This tax, or penalty, or as I like to call it “Tenalty” will be applied towards making America a better, healthier place I want your money. Some of [...]
Taliban Execute Fozzie Bear!
Tragic news out of Afghanistan. Fozzie Bear, well-known comic and best friend of show biz entrepreneur Kermit the Frog was executed by the Taliban while on a good-will tour of the country. Mr. Bear was captured while doing a stand-up performance in the Shinwari district of Parwan Province, in central Afghanistan, less than a two-hour drive from Kabul. Sources report that he had just uttered his trademark “Wocka Wocka” line when several masked Taliban fighters climbed up on stage and grabbed him. Bear was heard to say, “Are you guys with the USO? Is this about my fee?”as he was rushed off [...]
Americans Applaud End of Freedom!
By an overwhelming vote that crossed partisan lines, congress today voted to end all freedom of choice for all Americans for everything. “It is time we realize that freedom is not absolute” declared Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “People are using their freedoms to make wrong choices. The wrong foods to eat. The wrong recreational drugs to use. The wrong sexual positions to enjoy. These decisions are too important to be left to the people. This is where the government steps in.” “There is an epidemic in America today” declared Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “It is an epidemic of unhealthy wellness choices.” “We [...]
My Exclusive Interview with Lassie
Following up on yesterday’s post where I revealed to my readers the news that Lassie had been arrested for suspicion of setting the Colorado wildfires, today I have the privilege of interviewing the out-on-bail Collie. MI: Good afternoon Lassie. Lassie: Good afternoon. It’s good to be here. I appreciate the opportunity to get my story out. MI: As a condition of your bail you have to wear a paw-monitoring bracelet. How is that for you? Lassie: It’s a bitch but it does have benefits. The ladies dig it. They say it makes me seem dangerous. MI:: Interesting. So. You’re gay right? Lassie: Huh? MI: Well I heard [...]
Lassie Questioned About Colorado Wildfires!
Lassie, a Collie who likes to hang out with United States Forest Rangers has spent the night in police custody after being named a “Collie of interest” in the raging wildfires devastating Colorado. Suspicions were first raised about Lassie when Bob Erickson and Scott Turner the two forest rangers who adopted Lassie noticed burns on Lassie’s paws. This is devastating to us. We loved the dog. He showed up at our forest station one day and kind of became our mascot. He would hang around with us when we were fighting fires. We never suspected a thing. Though he did like [...]
Liberal Icon Annoyed by Working Class Stiff (Part Deux)
A couple months ago I wrote about liberal icon Alec Baldwin and how he was annoyed by working class stiffs on board an airplane. Well now this liberal icon has been annoyed again by a working class stiff (this time a photographer.) Naturally I wanted to get to the bottom of this story so I asked Mr. Baldwin if I could interview him and he was gracious enough to consent. MI: Good afternoon Mr. Baldwin. May I call you Alec? AB: What? MI: Um, I was wondering if - AB: I made an ass out of myself arranging this interview. You have insulted me [...]
Manhattan Infidel’s Favorite Cherokee Recipes
The other day while looking in the mirror and admiring my ridiculously high cheekbones I said to myself, “Manhattan Infidel, you love to cook. And you’re proud of your 1/32 Cherokee heritage. Why not combine the two?” Yes I know that my fellow Cherokee Elizabeth Warren has already done this and while I don’t want to criticize a tribe member there are a few traditional Cherokee recipes she left out. And so I dive into that void. Please enjoy these traditional Cherokee dishes that my parents used to cook while reciting family folklore about the struggles of native Americans. Cherokee Pasta [...]
The Wisconsin Recall: A Postmortem
In the 24 hours since the momentous recall election in Wisconsin there have been many pundits who have given their opinion on the election results. And in the spirit of fair and unbiased urineanalysis I now offer my postmortem on the election. First an explanatory note. The survey I took is not scientific. If anyone questions my methodology I will mail them my dirty underwear. Democracy may be dead, but my dirty underwear is definitely alive. Once it was confirmed that Governor Walker had survived the recall I immediately got on my phone and spent all day Wednesday talking to very annoyed [...]
The Manhattan Infidel Guide to What Not to Say During a Job Interview
You’ve answered the ad. You’ve been called in for an interview. Things seem to be going fine and then: BAM! You say the wrong thing and you know you will never get the job. This is not unusual. Job interviews are traps! Out of concern for my users I will now give you a handy list of things not to sayduring a job interview. Armed (well not literally except in certain sections of New Jersey) with this new-found knowledge hopefully your next interview will lead to well-paying job security! Do not ask about the company’s sexual harassment policy. Just assume for starters that [...]
Feds Investigate Manhattan Infidel IPO
Fast on the heels of the debacle over the Facebook initial public offering, Wall Street is now dealing with the looming scandal over the IPO for a relatively insignificant blog that calls itself “Manhattan Infidel.” Trouble began in March when the man behind Manhattan Infidel, a shadowy figure who has never been photographed and is known only by his nom de plume of “Ricky Hot Pants” began the paperwork for the IPO of his blog. Said a Wall Street regulator who reviewed the paperwork: Something seemed odd. The papers revealed that he hoped to raise 100 million with an initial [...]
My Exclusive Interview with Locutus of Borg
Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel just give me your purse lady and no one gets hurt I have the distinct pleasure of interviewing Locutus of Borg. Locutus is a controversial figure here on Earth, seeing as he was charged with making our assimilation into the Borg collective easier. I am honored that he has chosen me for his first Earth interview. MI: Welcome Locutus. Let’s start out with some background questions about you. LB: I am Locutus of Borg. MI: Yes I know that. Now how did you get the job as the spokesman for the Borg? LB: Resistance is futile. MI: That’s [...]
My Exclusive Interview with President Barack Obama’s Dog
Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have as my guest Bo, the Portuguese water dog who became the pet of President Obama. MI: Good afternoon Bo. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I wasn’t expecting to interview you today but when you called I couldn’t refuse. Bo: Thanks. I need to talk. MI: Okay. Let’s start out with the question everyone wants to know. What’s it like being the first pet? Bo: That’s it? That’s your first question? MI: Well, yeah. I always like to toss my guests a softball question first. You know, make them relaxed. Bo: Man you’re lamer than Soledad [...]
Bluebird of Happiness Commits Suicide
The Bluebird of happiness is dead, the victim of an apparent suicide. Known throughout the world as a symbol of cheerfulness, happiness, hearth and home, good health, new birth and the renewal of spring time, the Bluebird of happiness hid a dark side. “The bird had issues” said his grief-stricken agent. “OCD, substance abuse, failed marriages, unfulfilling relationships with his children. You name it. The kid had it.” Sources close to the bird say he had a fragile emotional makeup that shattered under the pressure of expectations. His behavior as of late had become erratic and his blog entries had grown nonsensical. [...]
Manhattan Infidel Selectively Edits the George Zimmerman Audio
In today’s post, I, the Manhattan Infidel, have decided to take a stab at selectively editing the infamous George Zimmerman audio. As many know the original audio goes like this: Zimmerman: This guy looks like he’s up to no good. Or he’s on drugs or something. It’s raining and he’s just walking around, looking about. Dispatcher: Okay, and this guy – is he black, white or Hispanic? Zimmerman: He looks black. Which a major television network that shall remain nameless peacockselectively edited to this: Zimmerman: This guy looks like he’s up to no good. He looks black. While I respect and admire the job the [...]
Klingon Socialist Wages Lonely Battle for Respect
Tog Tre’Gok of the house of Tor has a unique position on the Klingon homeworld: He is the leader of the Klingon Socialist Party. Our full name is the “Socialist, Redistributionist and Social Justice Party of the Klingon Homeworld”. Right now we’re a small party. Very small. It’s just me and my mother. We haven’t won any seats yet in the Klingon Parliament but I’m confident that once I get my message out other Klingons will see the merits of our positions. Despite his confidence other Klingons are dismissive. Said Antaan Angghal of the house of Y’hporp: “Tog is not [...]
New Guidelines Take Effect for Vending Machines
It was once a staple of every child’s school experience: a trip to the vending machine for some tasty snacks. But all that is now to change. Thanks to renewed benevolence from the Federal government I have to say that or the Feds will come to my place and use my bathroom after a heavy Mexican meal vending machines will now be stocked with healthy, green food. Instead of the usual Cheez-It’s, crackers, potato chips and danishes vending machines will now be forced to stock “85 percent healthy food, food by-products, healthy by-products of food by-products, by-products of healthy by-products of food [...]
The Gospel According to Barack Obama
And in those days cometh John Kerry preaching in the desert of Massachusetts. And saying: Do taxes: for the kingdom of Barack is at hand. For this is he that was spoken of: A voice of one crying in Massachusetts, Prepare ye the way of redistribution. For now the axe is laid to the root of the capitalists. Every Republican therefore that doth not yield redistribution and his fair share of taxes shall be cut down and cast into the fire. Then Barack was lead by the spirit into Chicago, to be tempted by the nonredistributioners. And when he had [...]
The Manhattan Infidel Guide to Racist Code Words
In the light of Newt Gingrich’s racist victory in the racist state of South Carolina, a victory brought about in large part through the use of racist code words, we here at the World Wide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel would like to provide our readers with a guide to said racist code words “Work” will now be considered a racist code word. If you use the word “work” in conversation you are a racist who hates people of color. For example: If you say, “It’s been a long day at work” we know what you are really saying is “If only [...]
In State of Union Address President Obama Touts So-Called Buffett Rule
In his annual State of the Union address, President Obama took the opportunity to once again tout the Buffett rule, named after singer Jimmy Buffett, which would require that secretaries have as much access to margaritas as their millionaire bosses. Warming to his subject President Obama challenged congressional Republicans. “Why should a millionaire like Jimmy Buffett have more margaritas than his secretary?” Obama asked rhetorically as Democrats applauded. “Doesn’t his secretary deserve to have as many margaritas as her boss? Is it fair that she can’t? Is this the America we want to live in?” President Obama then blamed congressional Republicans for the [...]
Occupy Plymouth Rock
December, 1620. Plymouth Colony The protest movement known as “Occupy Plymouth Rock” that has the whole world watching entered its second week. “We’re here for the long run” said Occupation military leader Miles Standish. “This is what democracy looks like.” The occupiers, or “pilgrims” as they prefer to be known have landed at Plymouth Rock to protest income inequality in England. Said Standish: There’s nothing merry about ye olde merry England at All. One percent of the populations holds all the wealth. The other 99% like us live in poverty and filth. Granted, not as much poverty and filth as the Irish [...]
Lawsuit Divides Three Little Pigs
Once inseparable the three little pigs now won’t speak to each other, victims of income inequality. The three pigs upon reaching maturity were sent out into the world by their mother to “seek their fortune.” The first pig was not very successful. “I’ve never been very good at business” he admitted in the deposition. “I’m a dreamer.” Without good job prospects he took advantage of a sub prime mortgage and built his house out of the cheapest building material he could find: straw. His house was modest and he was “Poor but proud. And I had an iPad.” All was well [...]
Manhattan Infidel Presents: The Pastoral Constitution of the Democratic Party (Part One)
Last week I presented the Dogmatic Constitution of the Democratic Party. Now through my contacts in the main steam media I present the Pastoral Constitution of the Democratic Party. Unlike the Dogmatic Constitution which focused on core beliefs, the Pastoral Constitution outlines how the Democrats will put their beliefs into action. Because of the length of this remarkable document I will present it in several sections. Preamble The joy and the hope of all socialists of our time are the joy and the hope of all followers of Holy Mother Democratic Party. The Democratic Party Addresses all Men (and Women, [...]
Manhattan Infidel Presents: The Dogmatic Constitution of the Democratic Party
Many of my readers have asked me for more information on our political parties. And with the Presidential election a year away I am more than happy to give that information. After all, I want my readers to make an informed choice based on principle and not, like I do, vote for the candidate with the hottest daughter. And so, in the spirit of our Republic, I now present the Dogmatic Constitution of the Democratic Party: Preamble What was from the beginning, what we have heard what we have seen with our eyes, what we looked upon and touched with [...]
Racist Teabagging Satellite Falls to Earth!
In a display of naked racism not seen since the heyday of the Ku Klux Klan, NASA’s Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite plunged to Earth, leaving a trail of disenfranchised in its wake. The satellite, no doubt acting under orders from Tea Party leaders blazed through the night sky. Though no one was hurt by falling debris the world was united in outrage. Hollywood was quick to show its support for any peoples of color who might have been traumatized. From New York, where he was appearing in a specially written segment of the Vagina Monologues entitled, “My Step Granddaughter’s Vagina. [...]
Linus Excommunicated!
Pope Benedict XVI today excommunicated Linus Van Pelt, ratcheting up the theological controversy over the so-called “Great Pumpkin.” With his excommunication Van Pelt is prohibited from publishing any of his writings or exercising any functions as a Catholic theologian. Before his excommunication, Linus Van Pelt had been a daring and provocative theologian. Van Pelt came to prominence when he posited the belief that a “Great Pumpkin” would rise out of a pumpkin patch deemed “most sincere” of all the pumpkin patches. Van Pelt wrote that the Great Pumpkin is a modern version of the resurrection. Like Jesus, the Great Pumpkin would rise or [...]
Police Manhunt Continues for Curious George
A police manhunt that has spread across several states is on for a curious brown monkey named George. George, an immigrant from Africa who was brought to the United States by his human companion, the Man in the Yellow Hat, was up until last week a docile, friendly and very curious monkey. But something changed. George killed the Man in the Yellow Hat, burned down their domicile, stole a car and was last seen speeding west along Interstate 84. Police are at a loss as to the reason for Curious George’s actions. “He had everything. His human companion was very [...]
Anti-War Rally Postponed Due to Lack of Giant Puppets
The anti-war rally “Take Back America from the Fascists” billed as “the largest anti-war rally in weeks” has been postponed. Organizers cited problems getting necessary permits, trouble getting word out about the rally and, most importantly, no giant puppets. Said an organizer: America is a fascist nation that wages illegal wars against peoples of color. A nation of college kids is going to rise up and take back our country. We have the people on our side. We have morality on our side. We have lovers of peace on our side. Moral outrage is the key to the success [...]
Angry Right-Wing Rhetoric Leads to Violence!
Dateline April 19, 1775. Ye Olde New York Times. We here at Ye Olde New York Times have just received dispatches telling of an actual physical outbreak of violence between King George’s troops and angry militia members at Lexington and Concord in the colony of Massachusetts Bay. We have long feared this moment and place the blame squarely where it belongs: With the militia of the several colonies. The angry, anti-government, unchristian rhetoric promulgated by those in the so-called opposition could only lead to further violence. We here at Ye Old New York Times denounce the Adams’ of Massachusetts Bay [...]
Price of Bacon Soars!
The Department of Agriculture announced today that because of a sharp rise in corn prices, Bacon is expected to be “dramatically more expensive” this summer. With the announcement consumers have begun cutting back on their Bacon usage. “I used to have Kevin Bacon cut my lawn once a week. He was cheap. Ten dollars was all it cost” said one person. “But now I don’t know. The economy’s bad and I’m struggling to make ends meet. If Bacon gets more expensive I’ll have to mow it myself even though I have a bad back.” All along this row of houses former neatly [...]
Hollywood Files for Divorce from America
Hollywood, long synonymous with America and American culture announced today that it intends to file for divorce. “This has been a long time coming” said Hollywood. “We’ve grown apart. We no longer share the same values. America and I have nothing in common. Hell, we don’t even like each other anymore.” As part of the divorce settlement Hollywood is asking for custody of the mansions, private jets and high-flow toilets. Insiders say that one source of friction between Hollywood and America was that Americans stopped going to the anti-American propaganda movies that Hollywood insisting on making. Said an anonymous source: Hollywood was [...]
An Important Message from the Zombie Anti-Defamation League
Good Afternoon. As the President of the Zombie Anti-Defamation league I would like to take this opportunity to say a few words on behalf of all zombies. First off, let me say that we love living in America. This country has been very good to zombies. Why, two of our own have even been elected to your highest office. One of them even had the honor of not being impeached. Having said that, there recently has been an upswing in violence directed towards the undead by the un-undead. For this I blame Hollywood. Your entertainment industry has consistently spread lies [...]
My Exclusive Interview with Chris Hansen
Recently I surprised MSNBC anchor Chris Hansen, best known for the To Catch a Predator series, with an impromptu interview in the lobby of the hotel he had checked into. The results of our sit down follows: MI: Good afternoon Chris. Please have a seat. Chris Hansen: What the – who are you? MI: I’m the Manhattan Infidel and I’d like to ask you a few questions. Chris Hansen: Manhattan what? MI: Manhattan Infidel. The famous Manhattan Infidel. You no doubt have heard of me. Chris Hansen: Actually I haven’t. MI: I’ve been in all the papers. Chris Hansen: Oh, [...]
Bear Sh*ts in Woods; Climate of Hate Blamed
Today a bear relieved himself in the woods. Across America panicked citizens called into talk radio and asked what it meant. On Mike Malloy’s progressive talk radio shot Malloy talked about the day’s events. I think the fact that this bear has seen fit to relieve himself in the woods can be laid at the feet of John Boehner. Obviously the climate of hatred that Boehner and the Republicans spew out every day made this bear feel that he could do this with no repercussions. I just thank god that no one, except for the innocent vegetation shat upon was [...]
