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Manhattan Infidel

Lucky the Leprechaun to be Deported!

Seeking to beat congressional Republicans at their own game, the Obama administration announced today the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms has been declared a “controlled substance” and that their mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, will be deported back to Ireland. “Republicans are always saying ‘secure the border’ “ said the President at a campaign rally. That’s all they care about.  Keeping immigrants out of this country.  This is a nation of undocumented workers.  So sue me for not enforcing the law.  To show the do-nothing Republicans to be careful what they wish for I have ordered the arrest of Lucky the […]

NFL Team Names Are Racist or Something!

In the weeks since the Washington Redskins were denied a trademark for their name many commentators have spoken for and against the ruling.  Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we applaud the ruling.  I have many native American friends (respectable peaceful ones, not the ones that go on the warpath and scalp the white man.) Denying the Washington Native Americans a trademark is only the beginning.  We feel that many other NFL teams should not only be denied a trademark but should be forced to change their names. (Trigger warning:  Offensive terms will be used in the following […]

Executive Order Creates New Department of Feline Education

President Obama today issued a sweeping executive order creating the Federal Department of Feline Education. “America faces perhaps no greater threat than feral cats mired in the vicious cycle of poverty” declared the President in a Rose Garden ceremony. Many are familiar with the tragic case in New York City where signs were placed in the Gateway National Recreation Area warning felines that they cannot live in cat colonies on Federal property.  Because of the high illiteracy rate among feral cats many could not read the sign resulting in the colony being tragically killed by a SWAT team.  Americans are […]

Have You Considered a Career in the CIA?

As many young people have recently graduated college they may receive employment brochures in the mail.  As a public service to my readers I now present one of them: Hello to all recently graduated college students.   My name is John O. Brennan and I am the director of the Central Intelligence Agency.  Many of you are no doubt wondering what sort of career path do you want to take?  Is a career as a civil servant for me?  My major was puppetry and I minored in patriarchal oppression.  Does this qualify me for a career in the CIA?  I am 100,000 […]

Budget Tips From Hillary Rodham Clinton

Budgets. We all have to make them and follow them.  At the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we follow very strict budget:  Thirty dollars a week for food, 300 dollars a week for hookers and 400 a week for ointments, creams, gags, whips and assorted “funsize” toys.  And we all know what happens when one goes over budget:  Take a cash advance and go further into debt. With that in mind recently former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was quoted that she was “dead broke” when she and her husband left the White House.  I recently had a chance to […]

Workout Like Obama!

Like all bloggers I have an extensive workout regimen.  Up at the crack of dawn for a ten-mile jog.  Then a 20-mile bike run.  Then I head to the gym for some weight-lifting. Okay, so all that was a lie.  It’s from my eHarmony profile.  It impresses women. Recently our Commander-in-Chief was photographed in Poland working out in the hotel gym. Not since John Kennedy had six naked women in the White House pool has a president extended his body like this.  As a member of the MSM I vowed not to rest until I could get a copy of […]

Membership Has Its Privileges!

Dear Sir: Enclosed please find your membership card for the National Organization of Outraged Progressives.  Thank you for joining us. As you may know the National Organization of Outraged Progressives has for almost half a decade been at the forefront of spotting white privilege in all shapes and forms. It was the National Organization of Outraged Progressives that stopped a local lemonade stand from selling its wares.  Why?  They would only sell light colored lemonade and not the darker flavors. It was the National Organization of Outraged Progressives that stopped a two-year old from sucking on his pacifier.  Why?  Because […]

Clay Aiken Kills Again!

Cold blooded murderer Clay Aiken in a campaign photo. Clay Aiken, American Idol runner up, homosexual activist and cold blooded mass murderer has done it again.  Aiken who ran for congress from North Carolina’s 2nd congressional district against Keith Crisco, murdered his opponent today after Crisco refused to concede the election. Crisco, 71, was found dead in his home, the victim of an apparent fall. Officially the death has been labelled an accident by the coroner though everyone knows it was murder. “It was Aiken.  Definitely Aiken” said the coroner. Ever look into the eyes of Clay Aiken?  They are […]

Help NBC Create Its Next Gay Sitcom Smash!

We’ll have a gay old time! Good news for all struggling writers, would-be writers, those curious about writing, those curious about writing but don’t want anyone to find out, those who wrote once but stopped because of shame and those who secretly write every Friday night in the bushes in Central Park. NBC needs help!  No, not meds for their executives.  NBC wants you to write their next sitcom! (That’s short for “situation comedy” for those of you who aren’t in the business.) As with anything in life, there are rules.  All NBC asks is that the sitcom “reflect the […]

Was James Franco’s Attempt to Lure an Underage Girl to a Hotel Room Caused by Global Warming?

Hi. I’m James Franco and 100-watt light bulbs increase my sex drive. Scandal rocked the tight-knit show biz community as it was alleged that award-winning actor James Franco tried to lure an underage girl to a hotel room for a tryst. When the news broke the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel sprang into action.  Dammit I used my safe word!  Stop! First off one must applaud the novelty of an actor trying to hook with an underage girl.  Props to you, Mr. Franco.  Props to you. But as much as I would like to applaud him it is my job […]

Manhattan Infidel (Finally) Examines the Mystery of Malaysian Flight 370

As always the fault lies with Sarah Palin In the weeks since the disappearance of Flight 370 many theories have been formed about what happened. I have been asked to put in my two cents.  Due to a previous commitment this opium den is like home to me I have been unable to before today. I will now divide the more prevalent theories into the not likely, the probable and the most likely.  I ask my readers to please not try this at home.  Remember, I am a professional blogger. The Not Likely Human error It has been theorized that human […]

Pope Meets Idiot

The Vatican supports the differentially-abled. My security guards will now show you out   In perhaps the greatest example of Christian forbearance and humility, Pope Francis, leader of the world’s Roman Catholics, met today with an idiot. The idiot from the United States arrived at the Vatican accompanied by fifty vehicles and heavily-armed security guards for his private meeting. “America is a great country” said Francis. What other country would treat an idiot like this?  They give him an escort with not one, not two, but fifty vehicles.  Truly America is a Christian nation. Escorted to meet the Pope, the […]

Keith Richards Writes Children’s Book!

I do not like green eggs and heroin.   Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones, has announced that he is writing a children’s book.   “It’s true” said Mr. Richards on his website.   I have just become a grandfather for the fifth time, so I know what I’m talking about. The bond, the special bond, between kids and grandparents is unique and should be treasured. I hope one day to have grandchildren.  What?  Five of them?  Are you sure?  How did this happen?  I don’t even remember having kids.   We here at the worldwide headquarters of […]

Alec Baldwin to Leave Public Life; My Exclusive Sit-Down With the Acclaimed Actor

I am tired of being oppressed!   Television personality Alec Baldwin, fed up with the demands of fame, has announced his intention to leave public life for good. Since the mission statement of the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel says clearly that “no stone will be left unturned in pursuit of the truth” (1) I have invited Mr. Baldwin to explain his reasons for leaving public life.   (1) My mission statement also mentions frequent lap dances from Minka Kelly   Manhattan Infidel would you like a lap dance?   but for the purposes of this post we will concentrate on pursuit […]

Not Working Will Set You Free

Not working will set you free.   With the news that the Affordable Health Care Act may cause two million people to leave the labor force, the Obama administration was quick to note the benefits that this will bring.   “Not working will set you free” declared press Secretary Jay Carney.   For the first time in recorded history people will be free not to work.  Imagine that. Instead of being forced to earn a living wage, probably because of cold-blooded Republican economic policies, people will be truly free. Free to devote time to traveling the globe.  Free to work […]

Your Orientation Letter From the Federal Administration of Corrective Labor Camps and Labor Settlements

Welcome to your education camp. May your stay be a productive one! Hello American: You are receiving this letter because you have been identified as having incorrect sentiments. According to your email and internet history you have expressed displeasure with the Federal government. While as an American you may be used to a certain degree of so-called free speech, your sentiments have proven that you are a danger to the State.  As a living, breathing entity, the State cannot tolerate threats from extremists such as yourself.   Therefore under the “Correct Thinking and Loyalty to the State” Act passed by […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents the Bill de Blasio Safe Driving Template™

Silly citizen! Rules are for serfs!   Shortly after announcing a 62-point safe streets initiative, the car containing Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) was filmed violating traffic laws including, but not limited to, going 15 miles over the speed limit, making illegal turns, driving through intersections and going past stop signs on several occasions.   With this in mind I now present the Bill de Blasio Safe Driving Template™.  (Silly citizen.  Rules are for serfs!)   The best way to get to an event on time is The subway Plan ahead […]

Manhattan Infidel Examines the 2016 Presidential Field

Even though 2016 is still two years away many are already speculating on the possible presidential contenders.  As a service to my readers I now present my take on those who may or may not run in 2016. First up:  The Democrats. Hillary Clinton  The former first lady, senator from New York and Secretary of State remains the clear front-runner among Democrats. She has over 40 years of Democratic policy making experience and was key in impeaching Richard Nixon.  This will clearly be in her favor.  On the negative side she will be 68 in 2014 and hasn’t been hot […]

Al-Qaeda Franchise Owner Discouraged by Government Regulations

I just want to kill the infidel. Why must I provide health insurance? For as long as he could remember, Abdul wanted to run his own business. “I wanted to work for myself and make a living doing it.” he said. And I also wanted to kill the infidel. Hey, who wouldn’t.  And I’m good at killing the infidel.  Granted, not as good as I am at boy love, but pretty damn good nevertheless. At the age of 20 Abdul opened his first al-Qaeda franchise, offering out of work Muslims the chance to kill infidels, as well as deliver delicious […]

The Times They Are a-Changin’: Bob Dylan Makes Superbowl Commercial

I am not Charlie Sheen! Those of you who were watching the Superbowl like me were probably surprised to see Charlie Sheen doing a commercial.  Surprise turned to shock when I found out that it wasn’t in fact Charlie Sheen but Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan?  The counterculture icon?  Doing a commercial for Chrysler?  That would be almost as bad as America voting for a socialist tyrant.  Twice.  Wait.  Never mind that actually happened. Anyway, for my readers who may have missed it I now present Bob Dylan’s Superbowl commercial.  Weep.  Weep for America. Is there anything more American than America? […]

Pete Seeger Killed by Whale

I love whales! Like that one over there who is….OH MY GOD IT’S EATING ME! Famed banjo player and unemployed person Pete Seeger was killed today while strolling along the banks of the Hudson River near his home in Beacon, New York. The famed peace activist, environmentalist and folk singer had told friends he was going out to stroll along the Hudson River to check for pollutants. “Pete always did this” said a friend. Every morning, no matter what the weather was he’d go down to the riverbank. Though he hated calling it a riverbank.  ”Bank implies capitalism, which I […]

Tips to Survive the Captain and Tennille Divorce Apocalpyse

God is dead and it’s time to loot and burn! Toni Tennille, one half of the singing duo of The Captain and Tennille, best know for their hit single, “Love Will Keep Us Together” has announced that she is seeking a divorce from the Captain, her husband of 39 years. The Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel has been expecting this news for some time now.  As the social fabric of this once great nation continues to unravel the divorce of the Captain and Tennille can only mean that the last strands of civilization left are gone. Loyalty.  Tradition.  Custom. Morality. […]

Pope Francis, In Nod to Conservatives, Calls Jesus “Son” of God

This man has been taken prisoner by the patriarchy   In an obvious conciliatory gesture to conservatives in the Church, Pope Francis today publicly called Jesus the “son of God.”     While Francis has often used this language in private, this is believed to be the first time he has used this phrase in public.  Vatican watchers are divided as to what the change means.   “This is a startling phrase” said the Religion editor for Rolling Stone magazine.   A phrase that many might find offensive. I would have preferred he had used the phrase “spirit of the […]

Manhattan Infidel Investigates Wendy Davis’ Past

Every thing in her resume is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. People often say to me, “Manhattan Infidel, you’re a fair man. You only whipped me 39 times for being late with the money I owed you.”   And that’s true.  I am a remarkably fair and nonpartisan individual guided by my overriding sense of justice. Recently there has been some controversy regarding Wendy Davis’ official biography.  And so, guided by my fairness and sense of justice I have obtained a copy of her resume for my readers to purview and I now give […]

My Exclusive Interview with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo

Manhattan Infidel, you have no place in New York! Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have as my guest the current chief executive of the empire state, Governor Andrew Cuomo himself. MI:  Good morning Governor Cuomo.  I want to start by asking you a few questions about some recent comments of yours. GC: You mean about how the Irish are savage pigs? MI: No. GC: You mean my comment that all Paddys should be banned from the workplace.   MI: Um, no. GC: Because the Irish savages should be.  I’d like to see a return to the days of the “No Irish Need […]