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Manhattan Infidel

President Obama Signs Endorsement Deal with Banana Republic

As his presidency winds down and looking to the future, President Obama signed a long-term endorsement deal with clothing and accessories retailer Banana Republic. Glenn K. Murphy, Chairman of the Board of The Gap, owners of Banana Republic, announced the deal at a press conference today. “When one thinks of a Banana Republic one thinks of political instability, the rule of one man and massive corruption” said Murphy. And who better to represent our brand name than the man who has done more to turn the United States into a Banana Republic than Barack Obama himself. Banana Republic and Barack Obama […]

A Special Message from the Centers for Disease Control

  With the Ebola outbreak in the news we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™  are taking a moment out of our busy schedule to give our readers the latest information from the Centers for Disease Control on how to protect yourself. Q:  What is the Ebola virus? A:  The Ebola virus (or Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever) is a highly contagious and deadly disease.  There is no known cure. Q:  Where did the Ebola virus originate? A:  Some say Africa, though of course that is speculation and racist. Q:  But weren’t the first recorded cases from sub-Saharan Africa? A:  We are […]

Secret Service Reveals White House Security Protocols

In another damaging blow to the Secret Service it was announced that bullet holes were found in the windows of the White House and that on another occasion an intruder had jumped the White House fence and gotten farther inside the Executive Mansion than previously reported. After Secret Service Director Julia Pierson was grilled on Capitol Hill she released her agency’s security protocols in an effort to allay criticism.  I now present to my readers said protocols. Gunfire is heard outside the Executive Mansion.  Agents should: Immediately remove the President from the danger. Investigate the gunfire. Declare an emergency. 1, 2 and […]

Marvin the Martian Ordered to Attend Anger Management Therapy

This man is angry. Very angry indeed.   Famed extra-terrestrial Marvin the Martian was ordered by a judge today to attend 200 hours of anger management counseling sessions after he once again threatened to destroy the Earth. “Mr. Martian” said the judge at the sentencing. I have listened to the testimony.  I have heard eyewitnesses describe how you planned to destroy the Earth with a, quote, “Earth-shattering kaboom” because it blocked your view of Venus.  You have admitted that you would do this if you could find your Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulater, which thank god has been banned by […]

President Obama Orders Bombing of Scottish Militants

Reacting to outrage over atrocities committed by Scottish separatists, President Obama today ordered a series of strikes at the heart of the Scottish Caliphate. “The civilized world has seen the horrors of the advance of Scottish culture” declared the President. We as a people can no longer stand by and watch the Scottish overrun the entire British Isle.  We owe it to our English friends to come to them in their time of need. I have called Queen Elizabeth and have assured her that we will stand by England in its hour of darkness. The United States and England are the two bastions […]

Manhattan Infidel: My Exclusive Interview with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have an exclusive interview with New York’s junior Senator,  the lovely Kirsten Gillibrand. MI: Good afternoon Senator Gillibrand. KG: You called me lovely?  You called me lovely?  I am not your girl toy! MI: Um, sorry. KG: Would you call Chuck Schumer lovely? MI: Well no.  He’s quite homely. KG: Precisely.  I am so sick of you non-Democratic men and your non-Democratic double standards of sexism. MI: Okay, okay.  Let’s start the interview.  In your new book you talk about a senator who called your porky.  Which senator was this? KG: I don’t remember.  I don’t remember his name. […]

Government Nationalizes Burger King!

With the stroke of his pen, President Obama today ordered the nationalization of all Burger King restaurants in the United States as well as any and all profit Burger King may make. “This is a great day for America” beamed the President in his stylish tan suit. No longer will private companies be allowed to avoid paying their fair share of taxes. This decision of Burger King to buy the Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s and move to Canada was nothing more than a sordid tax dodge.  I have stopped this. Congress wouldn’t act so I did.  I have a pen. […]

Manhattan Infidel: Horoscope Time! (The Rudimentary Lathe Edition)

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel we are taking a break from the depressing world of politics to recharge our batteries.  And what better way to do that than to present yet another horoscope. Horoscope valid in continental United States only.  Do not read horoscope if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.  Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough before reading a horoscope. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20) You don’t have to push yourself every  moment of every day.  But you probably should push yourself now.  I […]

Manhattan Infidel’s Exclusive Interview with Cee Lo Green

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my pleasure to interview one half of the hip hop group Gnarls Barkley and one of the hosts of “The Voice” currently seen on NBC, Cee Lo Green. MI: Good afternoon Mr. Green. CLG: Let’s make this quick honky.  I got stuff to do. MI: Um.  Okay.  Let’s start off with the recent controversy surrounding your comments on rape.  You were convicted of felony ecstasy possession and you were accused of giving ecstasy to a woman you had sex with. CLG: Yeah I gave the bitch some of my stuff.  Bitch never thanked me for it.  What of it? […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents a Job Listing: Can You Destroy Evidence for the IRS?

Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I often find myself wondering about my readers.  Are they happy?  Are they employed? Do they have naked photos they might want to share? Okay so I lied about the first one and as for the naked photos I am currently prohibited from looking at any naked photos sent to me (the terms of my parole are very strict).  But jobs?  I think I can help with that.  I want all of my readers employed so they can pay their utility bill and continue to browse the internet. And so, without further adieu I now […]

ISIS to Offer Universal Healthcare

ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, announced today that it will be introducing universal health care in areas under their control. “The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria” began the statement “are pleased to announce that all Muslims will have access to free, universal healthcare.” We do this because the prophet wants us to.  Under our caliphate, believers in the prophet can go to any hospital, office or goat-filled cave to have their medical needs met. This means that women will no longer have to worry that they will not be able to afford their female genital mutilation. […]

Things That Lasted Longer Than the Gaza Strip Cease Fire

The latest cease fire in the Gaza Strip, negotiated by Secretary of State John Kerry (pictured here) lasted less than 90 minutes before Palestinians kidnapped Israeli soldiers and resumed firing rockets.  Ninety minutes.    Five thousand four hundred seconds.  The sum total of the cease fire.  In keeping with my responsibility as a member of the mainstream media I have researched made up the following list of events that lasted as long as the Gaza cease fire. The Chevy Chase Show Remembered as the greatest disaster in the history of mankind and proof that the Devil exists and wants our souls. the […]

Dear ________________: (A Letter From the EPA)

As is often the case here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel, disturbing stuff gets deposited on my desk (and not just last night’s 3 am taco.  With bacon.)  In this case it is a letter that the Environmental Protection Agency will be sending out to all Americans. Dear _________: It has come to the attention of the EPA that it occasionally rains on your property.  It has also come to our attention that when it does rain puddles are left on your lawn. These puddles then disappear over time.  We have photographic evidence of this. Why is this? Why has this […]

Batgirl Sues Batman, Robin

Famous Gotham City crime fighter Batgirl has filed a lawsuit against fellow crime fighters Batman and Robin, citing, “a pattern of sexual abuse and defamation of character resulting in a loss of promotion opportunities.”

Lucky the Leprechaun to be Deported!

Seeking to beat congressional Republicans at their own game, the Obama administration announced today the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms has been declared a “controlled substance” and that their mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, will be deported back to Ireland. “Republicans are always saying ‘secure the border’ “ said the President at a campaign rally. That’s all they care about.  Keeping immigrants out of this country.  This is a nation of undocumented workers.  So sue me for not enforcing the law.  To show the do-nothing Republicans to be careful what they wish for I have ordered the arrest of Lucky the […]

NFL Team Names Are Racist or Something!

In the weeks since the Washington Redskins were denied a trademark for their name many commentators have spoken for and against the ruling.  Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we applaud the ruling.  I have many native American friends (respectable peaceful ones, not the ones that go on the warpath and scalp the white man.) Denying the Washington Native Americans a trademark is only the beginning.  We feel that many other NFL teams should not only be denied a trademark but should be forced to change their names. (Trigger warning:  Offensive terms will be used in the following […]

Executive Order Creates New Department of Feline Education

President Obama today issued a sweeping executive order creating the Federal Department of Feline Education. “America faces perhaps no greater threat than feral cats mired in the vicious cycle of poverty” declared the President in a Rose Garden ceremony. Many are familiar with the tragic case in New York City where signs were placed in the Gateway National Recreation Area warning felines that they cannot live in cat colonies on Federal property.  Because of the high illiteracy rate among feral cats many could not read the sign resulting in the colony being tragically killed by a SWAT team.  Americans are […]

Have You Considered a Career in the CIA?

As many young people have recently graduated college they may receive employment brochures in the mail.  As a public service to my readers I now present one of them: Hello to all recently graduated college students.   My name is John O. Brennan and I am the director of the Central Intelligence Agency.  Many of you are no doubt wondering what sort of career path do you want to take?  Is a career as a civil servant for me?  My major was puppetry and I minored in patriarchal oppression.  Does this qualify me for a career in the CIA?  I am 100,000 […]

Budget Tips From Hillary Rodham Clinton

Budgets. We all have to make them and follow them.  At the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we follow very strict budget:  Thirty dollars a week for food, 300 dollars a week for hookers and 400 a week for ointments, creams, gags, whips and assorted “funsize” toys.  And we all know what happens when one goes over budget:  Take a cash advance and go further into debt. With that in mind recently former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was quoted that she was “dead broke” when she and her husband left the White House.  I recently had a chance to […]

Workout Like Obama!

Like all bloggers I have an extensive workout regimen.  Up at the crack of dawn for a ten-mile jog.  Then a 20-mile bike run.  Then I head to the gym for some weight-lifting. Okay, so all that was a lie.  It’s from my eHarmony profile.  It impresses women. Recently our Commander-in-Chief was photographed in Poland working out in the hotel gym. Not since John Kennedy had six naked women in the White House pool has a president extended his body like this.  As a member of the MSM I vowed not to rest until I could get a copy of […]