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Manhattan Infidel

Manhattan Infidel Presents a Job Listing: Can You Destroy Evidence for the IRS?

Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel I often find myself wondering about my readers.  Are they happy?  Are they employed? Do they have naked photos they might want to share? Okay so I lied about the first one and as for the naked photos I am currently prohibited from looking at any naked photos sent to me (the terms of my parole are very strict).  But jobs?  I think I can help with that.  I want all of my readers employed so they can pay their utility bill and continue to browse the internet. And so, without further adieu I now […]

ISIS to Offer Universal Healthcare

ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, announced today that it will be introducing universal health care in areas under their control. “The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria” began the statement “are pleased to announce that all Muslims will have access to free, universal healthcare.” We do this because the prophet wants us to.  Under our caliphate, believers in the prophet can go to any hospital, office or goat-filled cave to have their medical needs met. This means that women will no longer have to worry that they will not be able to afford their female genital mutilation. […]

Things That Lasted Longer Than the Gaza Strip Cease Fire

The latest cease fire in the Gaza Strip, negotiated by Secretary of State John Kerry (pictured here) lasted less than 90 minutes before Palestinians kidnapped Israeli soldiers and resumed firing rockets.  Ninety minutes.    Five thousand four hundred seconds.  The sum total of the cease fire.  In keeping with my responsibility as a member of the mainstream media I have researched made up the following list of events that lasted as long as the Gaza cease fire. The Chevy Chase Show Remembered as the greatest disaster in the history of mankind and proof that the Devil exists and wants our souls. the […]

Dear ________________: (A Letter From the EPA)

As is often the case here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel, disturbing stuff gets deposited on my desk (and not just last night’s 3 am taco.  With bacon.)  In this case it is a letter that the Environmental Protection Agency will be sending out to all Americans. Dear _________: It has come to the attention of the EPA that it occasionally rains on your property.  It has also come to our attention that when it does rain puddles are left on your lawn. These puddles then disappear over time.  We have photographic evidence of this. Why is this? Why has this […]

Batgirl Sues Batman, Robin

Famous Gotham City crime fighter Batgirl has filed a lawsuit against fellow crime fighters Batman and Robin, citing, “a pattern of sexual abuse and defamation of character resulting in a loss of promotion opportunities.”

Lucky the Leprechaun to be Deported!

Seeking to beat congressional Republicans at their own game, the Obama administration announced today the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms has been declared a “controlled substance” and that their mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, will be deported back to Ireland. “Republicans are always saying ‘secure the border’ “ said the President at a campaign rally. That’s all they care about.  Keeping immigrants out of this country.  This is a nation of undocumented workers.  So sue me for not enforcing the law.  To show the do-nothing Republicans to be careful what they wish for I have ordered the arrest of Lucky the […]

NFL Team Names Are Racist or Something!

In the weeks since the Washington Redskins were denied a trademark for their name many commentators have spoken for and against the ruling.  Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we applaud the ruling.  I have many native American friends (respectable peaceful ones, not the ones that go on the warpath and scalp the white man.) Denying the Washington Native Americans a trademark is only the beginning.  We feel that many other NFL teams should not only be denied a trademark but should be forced to change their names. (Trigger warning:  Offensive terms will be used in the following […]

Executive Order Creates New Department of Feline Education

President Obama today issued a sweeping executive order creating the Federal Department of Feline Education. “America faces perhaps no greater threat than feral cats mired in the vicious cycle of poverty” declared the President in a Rose Garden ceremony. Many are familiar with the tragic case in New York City where signs were placed in the Gateway National Recreation Area warning felines that they cannot live in cat colonies on Federal property.  Because of the high illiteracy rate among feral cats many could not read the sign resulting in the colony being tragically killed by a SWAT team.  Americans are […]

Have You Considered a Career in the CIA?

As many young people have recently graduated college they may receive employment brochures in the mail.  As a public service to my readers I now present one of them: Hello to all recently graduated college students.   My name is John O. Brennan and I am the director of the Central Intelligence Agency.  Many of you are no doubt wondering what sort of career path do you want to take?  Is a career as a civil servant for me?  My major was puppetry and I minored in patriarchal oppression.  Does this qualify me for a career in the CIA?  I am 100,000 […]

Budget Tips From Hillary Rodham Clinton

Budgets. We all have to make them and follow them.  At the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we follow very strict budget:  Thirty dollars a week for food, 300 dollars a week for hookers and 400 a week for ointments, creams, gags, whips and assorted “funsize” toys.  And we all know what happens when one goes over budget:  Take a cash advance and go further into debt. With that in mind recently former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was quoted that she was “dead broke” when she and her husband left the White House.  I recently had a chance to […]

Workout Like Obama!

Like all bloggers I have an extensive workout regimen.  Up at the crack of dawn for a ten-mile jog.  Then a 20-mile bike run.  Then I head to the gym for some weight-lifting. Okay, so all that was a lie.  It’s from my eHarmony profile.  It impresses women. Recently our Commander-in-Chief was photographed in Poland working out in the hotel gym. Not since John Kennedy had six naked women in the White House pool has a president extended his body like this.  As a member of the MSM I vowed not to rest until I could get a copy of […]

Membership Has Its Privileges!

Dear Sir: Enclosed please find your membership card for the National Organization of Outraged Progressives.  Thank you for joining us. As you may know the National Organization of Outraged Progressives has for almost half a decade been at the forefront of spotting white privilege in all shapes and forms. It was the National Organization of Outraged Progressives that stopped a local lemonade stand from selling its wares.  Why?  They would only sell light colored lemonade and not the darker flavors. It was the National Organization of Outraged Progressives that stopped a two-year old from sucking on his pacifier.  Why?  Because […]

Clay Aiken Kills Again!

Cold blooded murderer Clay Aiken in a campaign photo. Clay Aiken, American Idol runner up, homosexual activist and cold blooded mass murderer has done it again.  Aiken who ran for congress from North Carolina’s 2nd congressional district against Keith Crisco, murdered his opponent today after Crisco refused to concede the election. Crisco, 71, was found dead in his home, the victim of an apparent fall. Officially the death has been labelled an accident by the coroner though everyone knows it was murder. “It was Aiken.  Definitely Aiken” said the coroner. Ever look into the eyes of Clay Aiken?  They are […]

Help NBC Create Its Next Gay Sitcom Smash!

We’ll have a gay old time! Good news for all struggling writers, would-be writers, those curious about writing, those curious about writing but don’t want anyone to find out, those who wrote once but stopped because of shame and those who secretly write every Friday night in the bushes in Central Park. NBC needs help!  No, not meds for their executives.  NBC wants you to write their next sitcom! (That’s short for “situation comedy” for those of you who aren’t in the business.) As with anything in life, there are rules.  All NBC asks is that the sitcom “reflect the […]

Was James Franco’s Attempt to Lure an Underage Girl to a Hotel Room Caused by Global Warming?

Hi. I’m James Franco and 100-watt light bulbs increase my sex drive. Scandal rocked the tight-knit show biz community as it was alleged that award-winning actor James Franco tried to lure an underage girl to a hotel room for a tryst. When the news broke the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel sprang into action.  Dammit I used my safe word!  Stop! First off one must applaud the novelty of an actor trying to hook with an underage girl.  Props to you, Mr. Franco.  Props to you. But as much as I would like to applaud him it is my job […]

Manhattan Infidel (Finally) Examines the Mystery of Malaysian Flight 370

As always the fault lies with Sarah Palin In the weeks since the disappearance of Flight 370 many theories have been formed about what happened. I have been asked to put in my two cents.  Due to a previous commitment this opium den is like home to me I have been unable to before today. I will now divide the more prevalent theories into the not likely, the probable and the most likely.  I ask my readers to please not try this at home.  Remember, I am a professional blogger. The Not Likely Human error It has been theorized that human […]

Pope Meets Idiot

The Vatican supports the differentially-abled. My security guards will now show you out   In perhaps the greatest example of Christian forbearance and humility, Pope Francis, leader of the world’s Roman Catholics, met today with an idiot. The idiot from the United States arrived at the Vatican accompanied by fifty vehicles and heavily-armed security guards for his private meeting. “America is a great country” said Francis. What other country would treat an idiot like this?  They give him an escort with not one, not two, but fifty vehicles.  Truly America is a Christian nation. Escorted to meet the Pope, the […]

Keith Richards Writes Children’s Book!

I do not like green eggs and heroin.   Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones, has announced that he is writing a children’s book.   “It’s true” said Mr. Richards on his website.   I have just become a grandfather for the fifth time, so I know what I’m talking about. The bond, the special bond, between kids and grandparents is unique and should be treasured. I hope one day to have grandchildren.  What?  Five of them?  Are you sure?  How did this happen?  I don’t even remember having kids.   We here at the worldwide headquarters of […]

Alec Baldwin to Leave Public Life; My Exclusive Sit-Down With the Acclaimed Actor

I am tired of being oppressed!   Television personality Alec Baldwin, fed up with the demands of fame, has announced his intention to leave public life for good. Since the mission statement of the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel says clearly that “no stone will be left unturned in pursuit of the truth” (1) I have invited Mr. Baldwin to explain his reasons for leaving public life.   (1) My mission statement also mentions frequent lap dances from Minka Kelly   Manhattan Infidel would you like a lap dance?   but for the purposes of this post we will concentrate on pursuit […]

Not Working Will Set You Free

Not working will set you free.   With the news that the Affordable Health Care Act may cause two million people to leave the labor force, the Obama administration was quick to note the benefits that this will bring.   “Not working will set you free” declared press Secretary Jay Carney.   For the first time in recorded history people will be free not to work.  Imagine that. Instead of being forced to earn a living wage, probably because of cold-blooded Republican economic policies, people will be truly free. Free to devote time to traveling the globe.  Free to work […]