In 2067 the Department of Thought will celebrate 50 years. We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ would like to use the pages of this humble blog to celebrate some of the more notable highlights of this venerated Federal department.
- March 30, 2017: The Department of Thought becomes law
With overwhelming bipartisan support and surrounded by congressional leaders from both parties, President Martin O’Malley signs the Department of Thought bill that creates the Federal department headed by the Secretary of Thought.
“This is the most important piece of legislation to pass congress since the Civil Rights Act of 1964? beams O’Malley. “For too long thought that is unapproved by the State, unprogressive, backward thought has been used to foment hatred. This bill will change all that. For there is nothing more powerful and dangerous than unapproved thought.”
- 2018 – 2020: The First prosecutions take place under the Department of Thought
During these two years the Department of Thought uses its authorization from congress to arrest Catholic pastors who refuse to officiate at gay weddings. A total of 728 priests are arrested and sentenced to jail for their unapproved thought.
“Arresting these Catholics is only the first step” declares O’Malley. “If we have to arrest every priest in America we will. It’s hard to believe that in the 21st century anyone would dare disapprove of gay marriage. Hopefully Catholics will re-examine their beliefs.”
With these early successes congress extends the power of the Department of Thought to cover future thought as well.
- 2025: Pastors ordered to hand in Sunday sermons to Department of Thought for review
Under the “Wellness of Thought Act” all sermons preached in the United States on every Sunday will be reviewed by the Department of Thought for possible hate crimes and infractions of freedom. Those pastors whose sermons are found to be offensive to the State will lose their right to speak in public. They will also have to submit to “Truth and Reconciliation” committees who will examine them to see if they can possibly be redeemed. Those found to be recidivist in hate-thought are sent to Supermax prisons to live out their natural lives.
- 2040: With advances in technology Americans are fitted with “thought monitors.”
Under a groundbreaking program Americans begin to be fitted with chips that will monitor their thoughts. “A monitored thought is a peaceful thought” says President for Life Chelsea Clinton. The program takes 20 years to complete. The last American fitted with a thought monitor, a six-month old baby is later executed when his thoughts reveal that he doesn’t like his all-kale baby formula.
“Kale is the baby formula of peace” says President for Life Clinton as she refuses a stay of execution.
- 2067: President for Life Chelsea Clinton is overthrown when her thought monitor reveals she doubts that the Koran is the word of Allah
Practitioners of Islam, enraged by Clinton’s doubts, storm the former White House (which was painted black in 2030 to show solidarity with peoples of color) and peacefully behead the President.
May the Department of Thought have many more years keeping America safe from unapproved thought!