From The Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: The Department Of Thought Celebrates 50 Years!


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He’s Baaaaaaack!!!!


There is nothing more dangerous than thought!

In 2067 the Department of Thought will celebrate 50 years.  We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ would like to use the pages of this humble blog to celebrate some of the more notable highlights of this venerated Federal department.

  • March 30, 2017: The Department of Thought becomes law

With overwhelming bipartisan support and surrounded by congressional leaders from both parties, President Martin O’Malley signs the Department of Thought bill that creates the Federal department headed by the Secretary of Thought.

“This is the most important piece of legislation to pass congress since the Civil Rights Act of 1964? beams O’Malley.  “For too long thought that is unapproved by the State, unprogressive, backward thought has been used to foment hatred.  This bill will change all that.  For there is nothing more powerful and dangerous than unapproved thought.”

  • 2018 – 2020:  The First prosecutions take place under the Department of Thought

During these two years the Department of Thought uses its authorization from congress to arrest Catholic pastors who refuse to officiate at gay weddings.  A total of 728 priests are arrested and sentenced to jail for their unapproved thought.

“Arresting these Catholics is only the first step” declares O’Malley.  “If we have to arrest every priest in America we will.  It’s hard to believe that in the 21st century anyone would dare disapprove of gay marriage.  Hopefully Catholics will re-examine their beliefs.”

With these early successes congress extends the power of the Department of Thought to cover future thought as well.

  • 2025:  Pastors ordered to hand in Sunday sermons to Department of Thought for review

Under the “Wellness of Thought Act” all sermons preached in the United States on every Sunday will be reviewed by the Department of Thought for possible hate crimes and infractions of freedom.  Those pastors whose sermons are found to be offensive to the State will lose their right to speak in public.  They will also have to submit to “Truth and Reconciliation” committees who will examine them to see if they can possibly be redeemed.  Those found to be recidivist in hate-thought are sent to Supermax prisons to live out their natural lives.

  • 2040:  With advances in technology Americans are fitted with “thought monitors.”

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Under a groundbreaking program Americans begin to be fitted with chips that will monitor their thoughts.  “A monitored thought is a peaceful thought” says President for Life Chelsea Clinton.  The program takes 20 years to complete.  The last American fitted with a thought monitor, a six-month old baby is later executed when his thoughts reveal that he doesn’t like his all-kale baby formula.

“Kale is the baby formula of peace” says President for Life Clinton as she refuses a stay of execution.

  • 2067: President for Life Chelsea Clinton is overthrown when her thought monitor reveals she doubts that the Koran is the word of Allah

Practitioners of Islam, enraged by Clinton’s doubts, storm the former White House (which was painted black in 2030 to show solidarity with peoples of color) and peacefully behead the President.

May the Department of Thought have many more years keeping America safe from unapproved thought!





Things To Come: 911 Calls After ‘Hands Up Don’t Shoot!’


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Hat/Tip to

The Left seems bound and determined to demonize Law Enforcement Officers nationwide. One can only wonder what their ultimate agenda is, but one unintended consequence might be a tad easier to foresee.

One America News (OAN) created this nice glimpse into the future of 911 service if the grievance mongers get their way with their demands for more sensitivity by law enforcement.





Fire Up The Way Back Machine, Sherman: High School In 1970 vs High School In 2015

way back machine 001
“Come along, Sherman while we compare common sense with political correctness run amok.”

Hat/Tip to the Conservative Tribune.

“Where are we going, Mr. Peabody?”

“Not where, Sherman – when.”

“Okay, when are we going, Mr. Peabody?”

“We’re going to a typical American high school in 1970, Sherman.”

“Why, Mr. Peabody?”

“To compare the common sense of that time period, with the political correctness that has the American education system firmly in its grasp.”

Okay, okay. I’ll admit that I just recently watched the feature film based on the Mr. Peabody and Sherman cartoons because it’s now on Netflix. I liked the show as a kid and I liked the movie, so it wasn’t so much of a stretch to envision Mr. Peabody teaching a life lesson to his boy Sherman by comparing how things were handled in a typical high school 45 years ago.

Clearly, the world has changed significantly over the past 40-50 years, and not always for the better.

The progressive mindset of entitlement mixed with moral equivalency, along with a dose of ultra-sensitive political correctness, has transformed the nation into something virtually unrecognizable from what it once was.

Take public education for example, more specifically high school, and compare what would have happened back in 1970 with what would happen today in a number of different scenarios.


then vs now 001
Additionally, PETA is called in and they hold a candle light vigil for the poor, murdered quails.

then vs now 002
Both boys have to take anger management courses do 500 hours of community service volunteering in a half-way house for recovering quail hunters.

then vs now 003
The school then applies for federal grants to have an entire classroom of “Jeffreys”

then vs now 004
Billy and his Dad wind up in the same prison, where they set up a protection racket and basically run the joint.

then vs now 005
The Principal tells Mark that if he “shares” something other than aspirin, he’ll tell the cops it was a false alarm…

then vs now 006
Ten years later, newspaper does follow up story on Pedro. The response is so overwhelming that he is encouraged to run for public office and ends up becoming a United States Senator.

then vs now 007
Johnny is secretly recruited by the CIA to help them battle red anthills in third world countries.

then vs now 008
While in prison, Mary pursues a law degree and upon reentering society, she sues the school, the school district and the state.



Sadly, these scenarios, while kind of funny, or not that far off from reality, and just go to show how vastly different life in America is now, compared to back then.

Some call that progress.





Daniel Boone TV Show to be Rebooted for 21st Century Audience

Fess Parker as Daniel Boone
Daniel Boone on TV in the 1960s. Obviously too patriarchal for modern audiences

The Daniel Boone show, one of the more popular TV shows from the 1960s is returning to television.

“We are pleased to bring the Daniel Boone name into the 21st century” read the statement.

The original TV show starring Fess Parker was and still remains very popular.  As such we will be bringing him back to prime time.  We will update the character slightly while still respecting him.

In the 1960s incarnation Boone was a “trailblazer” who carved through the Kentucky wilderness assisted by his loyal sidekick the native American, Mingo.

Network executives, concerned that this would be offensive to modern audiences are planning a few minor changes to the format.

“First off we can all agree he was not environmentally friendly” said a source in the network.

He was chopping down native, virginal forest so the white colonizers could continue their genocide against the native Americans. His “sidekick” was probably a slave he bought at an auction. And the guns!  Always he carried gun with him.  Why?  This is obviously not someone we can relate too.  In fact his backwardness and racism is embarrassing.

In the new reboot Daniel Boone will not be a pathfinder.  Instead he will be an environmental lawyer and an activist. The native American Mingo will be transformed into Boone’s “domestic partner” as Kentucky in the 18th century did not recognize gay marriage.

In the pilot entitled, “All Love is Equal” Boone goes before the Kentucky Supreme Court to argue for gay marriage.

“It’s a matter of social justice” Boone tells the judges in an emotional speech that brings them to tears and makes them rule in his favor.  He then marries Mingo and kisses him on the courthouse steps.  His moment of triumph is cut short however when a right-wing homophobic gun nut shoots Mingo dead.  Boone cradles his dying lover in his arms and vows to dedicate the rest of his life to the cause of gun control in America.

As God, or the spirit, because I’m more spiritual than religious, is my witness, I will not stop until all guns are removed from private citizens!

In subsequent episodes Boone fights to establish a colony for Muslims against local opposition, builds a wind farm, patents a plan to harvest solar power, fights bullying and dismantles a local patriarchy that is denying women their equality.

Even the lyrics to theme song have been changed to reflect Boone’s new modern personality.

Daniel Boone was a metrosexual. Yes a big metrosexual.
And he was comfortable in his sexuality and hated patriarchy too.
Daniel Boone was a metrosexual. Yes a big metrosexual.
He was lawyer and an activist, he was fearless and he loved to hug mighty oak trees. From the coonskin cap on the top of ol Dan to the heel of his rawhide shoe
The most sensitive in touch with his feelings man the frontier ever knew. Daniel Boone was a metrosexual. Yes a big metrosexual.
And he fought America to force equality upon all.


“We will be bringing back the Daniel Boone America knows and loves.  Only we will changing everything” declared a proud executive.

The new series will debut in May.





Battling Democratic Extremism Through Arts And Crafts

With a little love, and arts and crafts, these Democrats can be released into society


The United States is reforming Democratic extremists by showering them with attention, providing therapy and offering arts and crafts classes.

At the George Clooney Center for Advice, Counseling and Care off Hollywood Boulevard available seats for painting sessions are gone weeks in advance.

A painting by one patient, a former Democratic extremist shows a peaceful, rural setting of trees and a stream flowing by.

“This guy once believed in redistribution of wealth, abortion on demand and global warming” said one of the center’s counselors.

He must have realized how stupid he sounded calling for raising taxes.  This is a man, a millionaire several times over who called rich people evil.  He used to fly in his private jet to Sweden every year to attend global warming conferences.  I think he finally broke down and realized how empty his life was. The painting helps him express himself and ease his pain.  I think we’re on the verge of a breakthrough.  Why just the other day he asked why his taxes are so high.

This patient, like all at the center, are part of a ground-breaking attempt to rehabilitate and release into the general population former Democratic extremists.  The program has met with mixed success.

“We are optimistic we can help most of them” said the Center’s Director of Democratic Outreach.

They are dangerous people.  But we invest the time and energy into them. Many of these Democrats come from broken homes and have never had anyone pay attention to them.  We shower them in affection and love.  And antidepressants. 

When asked the recidivism rate of these former activists the director could only give an estimate.

Naturally not all will be success stories.  Some go back to their old way of life. They go back to their mansions and gated communities and start living the old lifestyle, insulated from the consequences of their actions.  I’d say that maybe 15 percent to 20 percent go back to being Democratic extremists.  Regrettable yes. But let’s think of the 80 percent we have saved from such a life.

The key to a successful conversion from the Democratic extremist lifestyle is changing old habits.

It’s not enough for them to be clean while they are here. Once they are back on the street and we cannot control them they have to avoid places that might lead them to extremism.  We counsel them to avoid coffee houses, brie and kale. We put them on a meat diet. We ask them not to watch Lifetime or any female-oriented cable channels. Most take our advice.

At the heart of the center is the attempt to raise the extremists sense of self-worth.

Many become extremists because they have nothing else.  And being an extremist makes them feel like a good person.  But it’s a false sense of self-worth. We try to make them realize they are worth something to society. And then we make them go cold turkey.  No cappuccinos. No espressos. Some go insane. 

The final word must be one former Democratic extremist and current patient.  During a group therapy session he expressed hopes to one day be “normalized” into society.

“I’m looking forward to getting out and getting a job.  Maybe buy an SUV to replace my Prius.  I might even move to a state with a lower tax rate!”




Dagwood Bumstead Dead of Heart Attack!

Dagwood Bumstead 001
Seen here in a file photo, Dagwood Bumstead collapsed and died today

Dagwood Bumstead, office manager at the J.C. & Dithers construction company, died at his home today of an apparent heart attack minutes after finished one of his patented “Bumstead” sandwiches.  First responders at the scene tried desperately to revive him as his shattered wife, Blondie looked on.

“We tried everything” said a paramedic.

But given his unhealthy lifestyle, I mean we found nothing but uneaten sandwiches next to him, it is a wonder that he lasted this long.

According to Bumstead’s wife, he had just returned from the kitchen carrying one of his sandwiches when he collapsed on the sofa.

Dagwood Bumstead 002
The sandwich Mr. Bumstead was eating when he died

“He often takes long naps on the sofa so at first I thought nothing was wrong” she said.

But after 20 minutes he hadn’t touched his sandwich. Usually after that time he’s in the kitchen making a second one.  I knew something was wrong and that’s when I called for an ambulance.  I warned him that his diet was unhealthy.  I tried to get him to eat better. One time I put some kale on his plate.  He said, “What the hell is this crap” and threw it at my head.  That was when I first realized that the man I married had a vicious temper.  It was around that time that I started experimenting with women.

When informed of Bumstead’s death, his boss J.C. Dithers expressed remorse but not surprise.

Mr Dithers 001I tried to get Bumstead to live healthier.  Try eating something healthy I always told him.  Join an exercise program. I mean for God’s sake I was paying for his f*cking health insurance the least the lazy son of a bitch could do was buy a stairmaster.  If he had lived longer perhaps he would have listened to me.  I know he was concerned that Blondie didn’t find him sexually appealing anymore.  His diet led to arteriosclerosis which in turn led to his erectile dysfunction.  That’s when Blondie started asking me for sexual favors.  She was starved for some physical affection. But perhaps I’ve said too much.  I could tell you things.  It was a very unhappy marriage.  It’s a good things he’s dead or they might have killed each other.

Dithers has promised to pay all funeral costs and is also going to buy stairmasters for all his employees.

“I ain’t paying these sons of bitches to die am I?”




King Andrew, Lord Mayor Wilhelm Jr. Have “Absolutely No Regrets” Over Shutting Down New York City

As benevolent rulers we keep the best interests of the common people in mind at all times.

Monday as New York City braced itself for a potential blizzard King Andrew Cuomo of New York and Lord Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. made a controversial decision:  Subways, the lifeline of the city, will be shut down. As the world now knows the so-called “Blizzard of 2015” was a bust, leaving only six inches of snow in the city.  I sat down with the duo to discuss their decision and the reasoning behind it.

MI: Good afternoon. Let’s start the question everyone wants to know. Why did you shut down the subways?  In New York City, where many do not own cars, the subways are often the only way to get to work. Businesses lost money as they had to stay shut because employees could not get to work.  And it was known long before the 8 am decision to get the trains running again that the city was not hit hard.  Why were the subways shut and why wasn’t the decision to get them back up not made earlier?

KAC: You may address me as Your Lordship.

LMWWJ: I’m tall.

MI: No I won’t to the former and the latter is irrelevant.  But back to the point. We’ve had blizzards before in 1995, 2000 and 2010 with over 20 inches of snow and the subways were not shut down.  Even if we had been hit hard I ask again why shut the subways down? It’s winter.  It snows. 

KAC: Let me address your question you impudent commoner.

LMWWJ: Is this going to take long?  I feel a nap coming on.

KAC: Back to your assertion that it always so-called “snows” in so-called “winter.” You are incorrect on this point. But that is nothing to be ashamed of.  You are not elite like I am. It is our belief, and the science will back me up on this, that the snow is the direct result of climate change and the end of the world.

MI:  I’m sorry.  Did you say the end of the world?

LMWWJ: My son has an Afro.

KAC: It’s okay Warren.  I’ll take care of this.  Yes.  Snow in winter is not normal.  I have a team of scientists, weather reporters the common man calls them, who inform me that according to their calculations the world was going to end on January 27th.  I shut down the subways and ordered cars off the streets to make it easier for people like the Lord Mayor and myself to escape to our Life Ship.

MI: It’s not the end of the world.  

LMWWJ: I’m taller than you.  That mean’s I’m smarter.  And it is the end of the world just like Andy said.

MI:  What the hell are you two talking about? And what’s a Life Ship?

KAC: Well, the ancient Mayan prophesy was correct.  They were only off by a couple years. Did you see the movie 2012?

MI: The one with John Cusack? Yeah it sucked.

KAC:  After I saw that I dedicated my life to building an Arc just like in the movie so I could survive.  Why do you think New York State is so heavily in debt?

MI: High taxes, productive people fleeing, out of control spending?

KAC: No.  I snuck in a bill to build a 20 billion dollar Arc.  It is now ready for deployment.  I will board it with my wife and other elites and we will use it to survive the coming destruction of Earth.  Once the danger is over we will build a new society based on equality, high taxes and wealth redistribution.

MI: But who goes into the Life Boat?

KAC: Why the elite of society.  The best and brightest.  Scientists, engineers, doctors, Russell Brand.

MI: But what about me?  What about the others?

KAC: Naturally we will need workers to do the necessary hard labor of building a new society.  You will be tied to the land.  In return for ten percent of your produce I will provide protection from rival warlords.

MI: I am so glad I never voted for either of you.

KAC: Oh, well then you won’t be getting into the Arc.  My Vassals will have to put you to death.

MI: Right. One last thing.  Have you been taking your medication?

KAC: Shhh!  You hear that?

MI: What?

KAC: It’s Lord Mayor Wilhelm Jr.  He’s sleeping.  He’s so cute.  I bet he’s dreaming about raising taxes or warning his son about the police.

MI: Thank you for meeting with me.  I’m going to go now.

KAC: You leave now and you forever forfeit a seat on the Arc!

LMWWJ: Raise it!  Raise those taxes.  My son, watch out for cops!

New York.  Led by the insane.  Still, it’s not New Jersey and that’s something.




Rick Springfield’s Actions Threaten to Reopen Buttock Wars


Don't get saucy with my butt!

Popular singing star Rick Springfield, best known for his ’80s hit “Jessie’s Girl” is on trial.  The charge? Causing “serious, permanent and disabling injury” to a woman with his buttocks.

Springfield states that during the concert in question his buttocks did indeed come into contact with Vicki Calcagno, from Liverpool, New York, but that any injury that his Australian buttcheeks might have done to the woman were incidental and did not warrant a lawsuit against him.

“That’s just the way we do things in Australia” said Sprinfield.

It’s how we say hello.  Many times in the outback I have greeted neighbors and strangers by thrusting my buttocks into their faces.  No one ever complained. When I smacked my butt onto this girl at the concert I was just trying to be friendly.

Despite Springfield’s assertions of innocence, full-on buttock assault has a long history in Rock music.

The first known buttock assault was recorded on February 12, 1956 when Elvis Presley knocked Ed Sullivan unconscious with his butt after an appearance on Sullivan’s Sunday night TV show.

“I was just trying to be polite” said a contrite Elvis after the incident.  “How was I to know the old man couldn’t take the full force of my Mississippi buttocks?”

From that point on buttock assault has been viewed in rock circles as a harmless diversion, like smoking pot, sleeping with an underage groupie, firing the drummer or murdering a tour manager.

The high point of buttock assault came during The Who’s 1982 tour of North America. Over 2000 fans reported being injured by Who Butt.  The story was hushed up after Who management paid off the victims. But a turning point had been reached.

“We have to stop injuring fans with our buttocks” declared Keith Richards at a closed door meeting or rock and roll royalty.

Sure I love knocking the occasional fan out with my butt. Who doesn’t? It’s the ultimate expression of power. But if we keep injuring thousands of fans with our butts soon we won’t have any fans left. And then what?  We’ll have no one to sing to except drug dealers.  And our cats. 

It was at this meeting that the so-called “Butt Harm Principles” were enumerated and put on paper.  Signed by all present it pledged to not harm any paying customers with one’s buttocks during a show.  All butt harming would in the future be confined to tour managers, roadies, red heads and men named Francis.

For thirty years the butt truce held. Not one fan was injured by a butt though there was a close call at a Pete Best concert when Pete slipped off the stage and his butt struck a fan.  Fortunately for rock and roll the fan accepted Pete’s apology.

“I was just trying to get some action” said Pete.  “I wasn’t trying to Butt Harm her.”

That is why the reports of Springfield injuring fans with his butt are so alarming.

“We cannot allow butt harming to return” said Eric Clapton.

We cannot go back to the dark days of the ’70s and ’80s.  Butt harming never.  No more! To keep the peace Rick Springfield must be sent back to Australia.

As of now the precarious buttock peace stands but there is tension in the ranks as Springfield has reportedly refused to adhere to the conditions of the truce.

In a related note New York State governor Andrew Cuomo has proposed a  “Rick Springfield Buttock Safe Act.”  Under the Safe Act Springfield will be prohibited from bringing his butt within 500 feet of a schoolyard.  When travelling in New York State his buttocks must be kept in separate location under lock and key.  At any time state officials will have the right to inspect Springfield’s butt to ensure compliance with the regulations.

Rick Springfield Threatens to ignite a Buttock Arms Race




Due To Poor Ratings, President Obama’s State Of The Union Placed On Hiatus


Still a potential star in search of the right vehicle

Just six days after President Obama’s State of the Union it has been announced that the show will be placed on hiatus and no more episodes will be ordered.

“We just didn’t get the ratings we hoped for” said an network executive.

We had high hopes for the State of the Union show.  Obama’s a clean cut, well-spoken man and we still think he’s going to be a big star one day. He’s personable and has a fantastic wit. I mean every time he mentions a new free service the government will provide I just crack up. We just have to find the right vehicle for him.  But the ratings, yeah, they weren’t what we wanted.  We lost out on the all-important 18-49 year old demographic.  PBS had a documentary on toe-nail fungus that sampled higher with millennials.  We thought he’d be the person to capture the millennial crowd but it wasn’t to be.  We’ll have to start again.

Stressing that the State of the Union is not being cancelled, only retooled, the executive went on to suggest a few changes that might make the show more appealing.

He needs colorful sidekicks around him.  We’re thinking of adding a wacky transsexual neighbor to the show and have him roll off one-liners during the State of the Union. You know, have him stand behind the President and shout “Oh snap!” or something like that. That’s one possibility.  We really haven’t thought it through yet. We might set the show in a more exotic locale than Washington D.C.  Granted that’s not saying much.  Camden and Detroit are more exotic than Washington.  Or we might stay in Washington and use its high murder rate as the key to the show. Make Obama a psychic detective who can see people being shot before they are or something like that. Like I said we’re just throwing shit on a wall at this point seeing what sticks.

Still other executives aren’t sure of Obama’s star power and want to cancel the show outright.

“I watched the State of the Union Tuesday night” said another TV insider.

And what I saw just didn’t grab me.  Obama appeared nervous and not a natural on television. The plot was slow moving and I could tell what he was going to say before he said it.  That’s a death sentence. If the audience finds you boring you can forget about Prime Time. The only thing left is to become a co-host on The View.

Regardless of various executive’s opinions, Obama is under contract until 2017 and it is doubtful the networks will release him.

“We have a meeting with him tomorrow.  We want to hear his ideas on improving the show.”

No matter what happens one character will not return:  Vice President Biden has already been given his walking papers.

“He didn’t test well.  People found him goofy and more than a little creepy.”


Meanwhile Back At The State Department……

Dude, your harshing the state departments’s mellow!

Following up on my last two posts involving “James Taylor Gate”, the scandal that has weakened us in the eyes of our European allies, I decided to pay a visit to the State Department.

What is going on at the State Department? What type of internal culture does it have?  Who in their right mind thought that sending James Taylor to Paris was an act of smart diplomacy.  I was determined to find the answers.

As I drove up to the State Department the first thing I noticed was that someone had left cake out in the rain.

“Shame” I said to myself.  “It probably took so long to bake it and no one’s ever going to have that recipe again.”

Once inside the State Department I was greeted by spokeswoman Jen Psaki who would be my tour guide.

Hi I’m Jen. I’ll be your damn guide. As me any damn question you want


I took note of the casual dress code.  Most people were wearing jeans and tie-dyed t shirts. Someone had written the words “Love Mankind.  Spock was right” on the wall

“I want to meet Secretary Kerry.  I want to ask him some questions” I told her.

Her eyes narrowed.  She became agitated and spoke.

“Hey man, you don’t talk to the Secretary!” she exclaimed, “You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he’ll… uh… well, you’ll say “hello” to him, right? And he’ll just walk right by you. He won’t even notice you. And suddenly he’ll grab you, and he’ll throw you in a corner, and he’ll say, “Do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life? I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little woman, I’m a little woman, he’s… he’s a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…”

She then began running her hand up and down the wall while softly repeating, James Taylor will bring peace……James Taylor will bring peace.”

She was silent for awhile.  I thought maybe she had a stroke.  Then she looked me right in the eye and said, Would you like to try my tea?”

“Well okay but can I meet the Secretary after that?”

“Oh you will” she giggled.  “Drink my tea.  It’s not like the tea that mother gives you that won’t do anything at all.”

I drank the tea and I must say it was delicious.

“Now can I see the Secretary?

“You will, once the tea hits your bloodstream and men on the chessboard get up and tell you where to go.”

I started to feel dizzy and sat down.

“You’ll like what you see” Ms. Psaki said.  “Come on over to the other side.”

The next seven hours were difficult to remember as I was hallucinating.  At one point I remember seeing John Kerry standing over me, wearing spandex and wind surfing.

One of my more disturbing hallucinations.


“When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead and the white night is talking backwards and the red queen’s off with her head remember James Taylor!  James Taylor!” he said to me before morphing into beloved character actor Fred Gwynne and riding off to heaven on a Harley.

I left the cake out in the rain.


And this was one of my least disturbing hallucinations…

Feed your head!


I woke up in Psaki’s office. She and fellow State Department spokeman Marie Harf were dancing around me.

When they noticed I was awake they stopped dancing.

“You’re one of us now” said Psaki.

“Go spread the word that the State Department is groovy” Harf told me.

And so I left, wiser and sadder.  Now I know why they thought it was a good idea to send James Taylor to France.





Thousands of Frightened Parisians Flee Scene Of James Taylor Concert……Or This Is Too Good For Just One Post

We’re killing them, James! The Frenchies love us!

Yesterday I bravely reported on the James Taylor, Herman Munster John Kerry concert in France.  (Somebody has to. God knows the American press won’t.)  Tomorrow I will write about my undercover experience at the State Department.

Today’s post will be devoted to the tragic aftermath in Paris.  The panic. The rioting.  The looting.  The destruction.

“Eet was like zee revolution” said one frightened Parisian.

Zee people run.  They flee! We set up barricades in the streets. We shoot. We sing patriotic songs.  All to stop zee Hermun Munster from hugging us.

If the sight of an aging American recording artist wasn’t enough to scare the French, Secretary of State Kerry then proceeded to hug anyone close to him.

I’m an ambassador. Trust me. You’ll like my hug.

After the first couple hugs the panic started.  The Parisians, not knowing when the madness would end or if Munster Kerry planned to hug all of them, ran towards the exits.

“It was like that scene in the blob” said an American reporter.

You know, where they all run screaming out of the theater, frightened for their lives? It was the same thing. Thousands of Frenchman ran down the street, screaming, not daring to look back lest Kerry be gaining on them.

Indeed in the initial panic mothers became separated from their children, never to see them again.

“My child!  My son!” sobbed one desolate mother.  “I can only assume Kerry grabbed him and hugged him.”

Cars were overturned to use as barricades against the hugging menace from New England. Guns were passed around as patriotic songs were sung and the French flag was raised on makeshift flagpoles.  The national anthem, with special lyrics, was sung:

Let’s go children of the fatherland,
The day of glory has arrived!
Against us the Hugger’s
Bloody flag is raised!

Frenchmen, for us, oh! what an insult!
What emotions that Hugger must excite!

Everyone is a non-hugger to fight you,
If they fall, our young heros,
France will make more,
Ready to battle you!

Seeing the tumult that he had created, Munster Kerry stopped hugging captured Frenchman and prepared to leave Paris by a helicopter on the roof of the American embassy.  As seen in this photo a man, presumably Munster Kerry, reaches out to help American embassy workers onto the helicopter.

All are welcome in the helicopter. Except for low level workers.

“It was pure chaos” said one of the lucky ones to escape.

There wasn’t room for everyone.  Luckily I was a high level employee and one of the last ones to get on the helicopter.  But I had to kick a cook in the face who was clinging to the door trying to get in.  I felt bad until I remembered he was a low-level employee.  I hope he finds safety before the French tear him to pieces.  God have mercy on his soul!

As the helicopter flew away Munster Kerry addressed those in the helicopter:

See. I told you the French would love James Taylor.  All they needed was a good hug.  Oh, and any embassy employees who didn’t fill ou their time sheets before leaving doesn’t get paid.

In a related note, it has been announced that President Obama is flying Dolly Parton to Dublin to sing “I will always love you”

President Obama will always love you Ireland, as long as Irish Americans vote Democrat






In Display of Solidarity President Obama Sends James Taylor to Paris

Have any of you Frenchies seen Carly Simon?

A week after the tragic terrorist attacks that left 17 Frenchmen dead, and with criticism mounting over his absence at the unity march that attracted world leaders, President Obama proved how serious he is about the transatlantic partnership by having singer/songwriter James Taylor sing for the still-grieving nation.

“I want to French people to know that even if none of those killed were black, I still think this was a serious man-caused workplace violence event” said the President from his golf cart.

From the moment I first heard the news I have been pondering what I can do to show the French people how much they mean to me. At first I thought of sending Jerry Lewis since I’ve heard the frogs, I mean the French, love him.  When he was unavailable I thought of sending Matt Damon and Leonardo Di Caprio but I need both of them here on my science council. They do important work fighting climate change. Finally I hit on James Taylor.  He’s from the ’70s people.  I want the French to know they’ve got a friend.

Arriving in Paris Taylor was greeted by Secretary of State John Kerry and the duo were driven to the presidential Elysee Palace where Taylor proceeded to sing.

At first the French were mystified and polite.

“Eez it zee Jerry Lewis?” asked one Parisian.

After singing the song in English Taylor was provided a French translation of “You’ve Got a Friend” prepared by none other than the French-speaking Francophile ambassador John Kerry himself.

Unfortunately Kerry’s translation was a little off and instead of singing “You’ve Got a Friend” Taylor sang “I want to touch your teenage daughters sexually.”

Enraged by what they perceived as Taylor and Kerry’s disrespect of their teenage daughters they stormed the stage and beat the two unconscious.

Moments after the pair were carried off the stage ISIS took credit for the beatings.

“James Taylor deserves to be beaten for being an infidel. Also he left Carly Simon.

This woman is no longer married to James Taylor


 I mean what kind of man give up that fine piece of ass?”

When informed of the beatings, President Obama vowed that it would not hurt the strong bond between the United States and France and promised to send Barbara Streisand to Paris to mend fences.

“She’s my point man on relations with the white man.”





The Decline and Fall of Who-ville


whoville 001


The once friendly and unassuming city of Who-ville lies in ruins, bankrupt. Businesses left, never to return. It has seen its population decrease by 40 percent over the past three decades.

whoville 004
Who-ville at its height.

How did this happen? It all starts with the Christmas Eve home invasion by the Grinch. Shocked that their town, technically at peace with the Grinch, was subject to such a devastating assault the political leaders of Who-ville enacted policies that would lead to their downfall.

The Department of Who-ville Security

Vowing never to be caught off guard again, the Department of Who-Ville Security was created by Who-ville’s mayor. Granted sweeping powers, Who-ville’s residents soon find their once care-free existed altered by the state.  Random bag checks became a way of life.

whoville 007
Safety checks on public transportation were downright ‘in-who-mane’


Who-ville’s residents meekly submit to having their belongings checked whenever they wanted to use public transportation. Though the checks were officially designated as “random” everyone knew that this was only so that they wouldn’t be accused of racism in targeting the Grinch.


whoville 006
Who-ville Police on patrol

A rapid militarization of Who-ville society soon followed. The city’s defense budget increased three thousand percent over a decade. Soon it became common place to see Who-ville police sporting automatic weapons and driving tanks. The latest technology was used to implement drone strikes on Mt. Crumpit in an attempt to catch the Grinch. These drone strikes would prove controversial as many innocent civilians, including children, were killed in the strikes. The mayor of Who-ville is rumored to keep a pack of playing cards with the pictures of Mt. Crumpit militants on them.  As militants are killed, they are taken out of the deck.

Rising taxes

War is not cheap and to pay for it taxes are raised in Who-ville. Even cigarettes, heretofore a favorite of all those in Who-ville, are not exempt from the tax man. Seeking to avoid paying taxes, many residents resort to the black market to buy “loosies” or single cigarettes. Riots ensue as one resident of Who-ville is killed by police when resisting arrest for selling loosies.

With taxes rising ever higher, Who-ville loses its manufacturing sector, which leaves for towns with a more business friendly tax structure. High unemployment ensues.

With unemployment consistently in double digits, the city of Who-ville becomes the largest employer in town, promising generous pensions to employees. However upon retiring many employees find that the city is broke and will not be able to afford to pay them.

With no money to support its infrastructure, downtown deteriorates, leaving block after block of empty shells. Crime rises.

Who-ville’s city council passes a “stimulus package” that not only does not help the economy but further adds to its unsupportable debt.

Permanent socialism

whoville 003
Who-ville Tent Cities spring up everywhere

With most residents out of work, Who-ville’s city council promises “cradle to grave” socialism to help citizens rise out of poverty. With the middle class already moved out of town, Who-ville’s rich are taxed to pay for the social programs.

Who-ville’s rich soon leave town.


With no tax base left, and unable even to pay its water bills, Who-ville sinks into bankruptcy, its former glory a distant memory.

The Grinch and other residents of Mt. Crumpit move into Who-ville and promise to enact “Grinch law” on all citizens. Who-ville’s remaining few original residents submit out of fear of being labelled racist. Female Who-ville genital mutilation ensues. Women are forbidden from driving cars or appearing in public without a veil.

And that, my friends, is the true story of the sad decline and fall of Who-ville. Thank God this could never happen in America.




Yukon Cornelius Investigated for Possible Hate Crimes!

Hate crimes? Patriarchy? What the hell do I know about that! I’m just a damn prospector.

It has been announced that well-known North Pole prospector Yukon Cornelius is under investigation by the Island of Misfit Toys Department of Thought for possible hate crimes.

“He’s been on our radar for awhile now” said Charlie-in-the-Box (pictured here), the Department of Thought’s sub-commissar.

All thought must serve the needs of the State!


His very presence has been an issue with some of our residents.  We live in peace as comrades.  Yukon is a known capitalist and what’s more a known rapist.  He uses his pickaxe of patriarchy to take from Mother Earth her precious natural resources. We here on the Island of Misfit Toys also have outlawed prejudice.  Mr. Cornelius seems to have an issue with Bumbles and takes delight in taunting them. So he must be investigated.  If his thoughts are not pure he will be corrected.  All thought must serve the State.  I take no pleasure in doing this. I am personally found of Yukon but it must be done.

The North Pole’s gentle giant, the Bumble.

The first count of incorrect thought that Yukon Cornelius has been charged with involves an episode where he pushed the Bumble into water so he could watch him sink. Witnesses have told the Department of Thought that Cornelius chuckled as the Bumble struggled to say afloat and said, “Observe the Bumble’s one weakness!  Bumbles sink!  Ha ha!”

“This is clearly bullying” said Charlie-in-the-Box.  “And bullying is wrong. Proper thinking citizens have just said no to bullying.”

Yukon was also prone to spreading rumors about the Bumble.

“Didn’t I ever tell you about Bumbles? Bumbles bounce” he would often tell anyone who was unfortunate enough to be within earshot of his hatred.

“Bumbles bounce?  Why that’s like saying all blacks have natural rhythm” said an outraged Charlie-in-the-Box.

Not content with bullying or spreading calumnies against the Bumble’s character, Yukon on one occasion even attempted outright violence against him, pushing the Bumble off a cliff. Fortunately for the Department of Thought the hate crime was caught on camera.

Hatred caught on film!


Yukon Cornelius for his part claims he is innocent of all the charges and denies that the Bumble had his hands up and was saying “I can’t breathe” when he pushed him off the cliff.

“I ain’t got nothing against the Bumble” said the racist Cornelius.

But he was threatening my friend Rudolph. He was charging at us.  I had no choice but to defend myself.  Besides no harm no foul.  Bumbles do bounce.  He bounced right back up. Yes, he bounced!  Accept it!  These are the facts people!  How can a fact be a hate crime?

“Yukon’s contentions are irrelevant” declared Charlie-in-the-Box.

To even suggest that a Bumble might bounce is Prima facie evidence of his deplorable, disgusting, backward patterns of thought.

If convicted of hate crimes, Yukon Cornelius will have to register as a hate crime offender with the Island of Misfit Toys.




Manhattan Infidel Presents the Man-Caused Workplace Violence by a Specific Subset of People We Aren’t Supposed to Mention Template™


These people, probably  former employees with a workplace grudge, are considered suspects

With the tragic news coming out of Paris that a newspaper had been attacked and dozens killed the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ sprang into action to cover the story.

Doing my duty as a member of the mainstream media I now present this handy template so readers can make sense of these events.

Three men shot and killed 12 people at a newspaper in Paris because

  • They were disaffected former employees
  • It was a right-wing newspaper and they deserved what they got
  • The motives of the shooters will probably remain a mystery
  • Don’t you dare blame this on Islam you racist!

What phrase did the attackers shout as they performed their workplace violence?

  • We love Jesus!
  • Sarah Palin for President
  • What they said exactly couldn’t be made out with any degree of certainty. Most likely as right wingers they were shouting something about lowering taxes
  • Allah?  Allah who?

Reports indicate that the attackers were very religious

  • Well that figures.  Christians have been killing people for two thousand years
  • Organized religion equals hate
  • Thank god Francis is Pope.  He’ll put a stop to violence by favoring abortion rights and gay marriage
  • If they said something that sounded like Allah they were probably talking about Muhammad Ali. He was the greatest boxer ever and a convert to the Religion of Peace™

The newspaper attacked was a satirical newspaper that often poked fun at sacred cows

  • Satire is bullying.  #banbullying
  • Free speech is not an absolute.  The “satires” offend people and are in poor taste
  • They should at least place a trigger warning on the magazine’s cover or something
  • As long as they stick to insulting Christians that’s okay with me. Crucifix covered in feces?  Cutting edge baby!

What can we do to ensure that workplace violence like this never happens again?

  • Universal healthcare would help reduce violence
  • Raising taxes to provide for social programs would help reduce violence
  • Gun control!  I’ll say it again!  Gun control!
  • Submit to Sharia law!

What if in the unlikely event the shooters turn out to be Muslim?

  • This would be tragic and lead to violence against Muslims all across Europe
  • This is a highly unlikely scenario and I won’t discuss hypotheticals
  • Can you blame them?  They have had to deal with being blamed for 9/11 for 13 years.  #Fueldoesnotmeltsteel
  • Sarah Palin’s son stepped on a dog!

I hope this template will help my readers interpret correctly the still-unfolding tragic events.

Oh and Sarah Palin’s son stepped on a dog!




Jets Fire Gandalf!

gandalf 001
You shall not pass! The ground game is the key to victory!


One week after firing head coach Rex Ryan and GM John Idzik after a disappointing 4-12 season the axe fell on the Jets offensive coordinator, Gandalf.

“We had high hopes for Gandalf when he hired him” said the Jets owner, Woody Johnson.  “It just didn’t work out.”

Before being hired by the Jets Gandalf was best known as a wizard who helped destroy the ring of all power.  Said Johnson:

Even though he had no previous experience in professional football, or any experience at any level of football, in fact I don’t know if Middle Earth has even heard of football, we still hired him because we liked his philosophy.  He kept saying things like ‘You shall not pass” and “run!” during the job interview.  I was very impressed with this.  The Jets needed new a offensive philosophy to compete and he seemed to be the one who could do it. I told him we had to defeat the Ravens and that’s when he jumped up and shouted “I defeated a Balrog and I can defeat a damn raven!’ So we hired him on the spot.

Things did not work out as planned for the Jets.  Said one source who wishes to remain anonymous:

We’d go to meetings and instead of showing us game films he would just pound his staff into the floor and say “You shall not pass.” He kept saying this over and over.  Look I know the Jets wanted us to run more but sometimes you have to mix up the plays a little bit.

There were also reports of racial tension in the locker room.

“Lots of the brothers didn’t like him” said one player.

He insisted on being called “Gandalf the White” like he was stressing he was superior to us because he was white.  Who the f*ck does this guy think he is?  I almost got into a fight with him once when he pulled that “call me Gandalf the White” shit on me.  So a lot of us just started calling him “whitey” behind his back.  Cracka muthaf*cker.

The lack of respect the players felt for Gandalf got so bad that they started ignoring his play calling.

We just did what we thought would help us score.  We didn’t even look at him.  Occasionally after throwing a pass we’d hear him screaming “I told you that you shall not pass!”  We’d just laugh at him when we were in the huddle.

As for what the Jets plan to do next, inside information suggests that they are close to hiring Air Force general Curtis Lemay (pictured here)

Air power is the key!


as their next offensive coordinator.

“We know he likes air power and will pass a lot” Johnson told reporters.

Gandalf meanwhile is in talks with Fox about developing a TV series depicting the struggle for Middle Earth.  Nick Nolte is

nick-notle 001
“You shall not pass.” What’s my character’s motivation for saying this?


currently the favorite to take the role of Gandalf.

If green-lighted the show will begin production in the fall.