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Republicans Promise To Do All They Can To Lose Big In 2016

In the month since they won sweeping majorities in the House and Senate, Republican leaders have begun to sit down and plot a losing strategy for 2016. “The American people have spoken and we have listened” declared the soon-to-be Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). They have sent a clear message that they want socialism.  They want big, intrusive government. They want redistribution of wealth.  They want America to become a socialist workers’ paradise.  Just not as quickly as the Democrats would do it.  That’s why we promise to continue Democratic policies.  But the march to socialism will be moderate. […]

Lady Accuses Tramp of Microagression!

American cocker spaniel Lady has accused Tramp, her one-time companion, of microaggression and disrespecting her canine vagina. “I am an educated, professional cocker spaniel” said Lady. And I feel that Tramp has disrespected me.  He only wanted to sniff and mount me. I warned him that he needs to seek my verbal and/or written consent first but he just laughed.  I have cut of all contact with Tramp and notified him of my intention to seek a court order of protection from this canine beast! Lady’s story is typical of many professional female canines seeking to make it in a […]

Peppermint Patty Marries Long-Time Lover Marcie

Patricia “Peppermint Patty” Reichardt  married her lover Marcie in a ceremony attended by Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Linus, Schroeder, Charlie Brown’s teacher and Peppermint Patty’s entire woman’s lacrosse semi-pro team. “This is the happiest day of my life” said Peppermint Patty after the ceremony. For a long time I thought I’d never see this day.  But I thank the Circuit Court in this state for legalizing same sex marriage.  It’s a step forward in the long march of civilization out of the dark ages. Now Marcie and I can hold our heads high and declare our love.  When asked when she […]

Manhattan Infidel Presents The Official National Institutes of Health Budget for 2014

With the Ebola outbreak and the possibility of Americans dying of this disease, attention has focused on the National Institutes of Health (NIH).  Recently the director of the NIH, Dr. Francis Collins was quoted as saying that a vaccine for Ebola could have been found if not for budget cuts. With this in mind I have obtained the NIH budget for the year 2014 to see if there is anything in the budget they could cut to allocate more for Ebola research.  My findings indicate that sadly, nothing can be cut. In fiscal year 2014 the NIH spent: $325,555 for a study […]

Secret Service Reveals White House Security Protocols

In another damaging blow to the Secret Service it was announced that bullet holes were found in the windows of the White House and that on another occasion an intruder had jumped the White House fence and gotten farther inside the Executive Mansion than previously reported. After Secret Service Director Julia Pierson was grilled on Capitol Hill she released her agency’s security protocols in an effort to allay criticism.  I now present to my readers said protocols. Gunfire is heard outside the Executive Mansion.  Agents should: Immediately remove the President from the danger. Investigate the gunfire. Declare an emergency. 1, 2 and […]

Marvin the Martian Ordered to Attend Anger Management Therapy

This man is angry. Very angry indeed.   Famed extra-terrestrial Marvin the Martian was ordered by a judge today to attend 200 hours of anger management counseling sessions after he once again threatened to destroy the Earth. “Mr. Martian” said the judge at the sentencing. I have listened to the testimony.  I have heard eyewitnesses describe how you planned to destroy the Earth with a, quote, “Earth-shattering kaboom” because it blocked your view of Venus.  You have admitted that you would do this if you could find your Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulater, which thank god has been banned by […]

Manhattan Infidel: My Exclusive Interview with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have an exclusive interview with New York’s junior Senator,  the lovely Kirsten Gillibrand. MI: Good afternoon Senator Gillibrand. KG: You called me lovely?  You called me lovely?  I am not your girl toy! MI: Um, sorry. KG: Would you call Chuck Schumer lovely? MI: Well no.  He’s quite homely. KG: Precisely.  I am so sick of you non-Democratic men and your non-Democratic double standards of sexism. MI: Okay, okay.  Let’s start the interview.  In your new book you talk about a senator who called your porky.  Which senator was this? KG: I don’t remember.  I don’t remember his name. […]

Things That Lasted Longer Than the Gaza Strip Cease Fire

The latest cease fire in the Gaza Strip, negotiated by Secretary of State John Kerry (pictured here) lasted less than 90 minutes before Palestinians kidnapped Israeli soldiers and resumed firing rockets.  Ninety minutes.    Five thousand four hundred seconds.  The sum total of the cease fire.  In keeping with my responsibility as a member of the mainstream media I have researched made up the following list of events that lasted as long as the Gaza cease fire. The Chevy Chase Show Remembered as the greatest disaster in the history of mankind and proof that the Devil exists and wants our souls. the […]

Lucky the Leprechaun to be Deported!

Seeking to beat congressional Republicans at their own game, the Obama administration announced today the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms has been declared a “controlled substance” and that their mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, will be deported back to Ireland. “Republicans are always saying ‘secure the border’ “ said the President at a campaign rally. That’s all they care about.  Keeping immigrants out of this country.  This is a nation of undocumented workers.  So sue me for not enforcing the law.  To show the do-nothing Republicans to be careful what they wish for I have ordered the arrest of Lucky the […]

NFL Team Names Are Racist or Something!

In the weeks since the Washington Redskins were denied a trademark for their name many commentators have spoken for and against the ruling.  Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we applaud the ruling.  I have many native American friends (respectable peaceful ones, not the ones that go on the warpath and scalp the white man.) Denying the Washington Native Americans a trademark is only the beginning.  We feel that many other NFL teams should not only be denied a trademark but should be forced to change their names. (Trigger warning:  Offensive terms will be used in the following […]

Fight Night! Obama Battles Economy in Steel Cage Death Match!

  The Scene:  Friday night, somewhere in America. First Announcer:  Welcome to fight night. We have an exciting match for you.  Tonight President Obama will be fighting the United States Economy in a steel cage death match. Second Announcer:Yes and as you know there has been a history of bad blood between these opponents. First Announcer:This all started when Obama called the U.S. economy “vulgar and capitalist” and vowed to replace it with a socialist worker’s paradise. Second Announcer:  That didn’t sit well with the economy who pointed out his long history of providing the best standard of living on […]

My Exclusive Interview with Episcopalian Bishop Gene Robertson

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the privilege of interviewing retired Episcopalian Bishop Gene Robertson.  Many know Robertson as the first openly gay bishop, whose ordination nearly resulted in a schism in the worldwide Anglican communion.   MI: Good afternoon Bishop Robertson. BGR: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.  Are you gay? MI: No but I do enjoy musical theater. BGR:What? MI: It’s an old joke.  Anyway, you are openly gay.  When you were ordained bishop you were in a committed relationship with your life partner, Mark Andrew. BGR:Yes.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  We have been together for 25 years.  He is my […]

Thank You For Applying for a Position at the New York Times

Dear applicant: Thank you for applying for a position at the New York Times.  As you may be aware the position of Executive Editor was recently vacated by Jill Abamson, after it was discovered that she was a real woman and not one of the fake ones we in the newsroom enjoy hanging out with. While Ms. Abramson’s firing may us make look bad in the short run, we’d like to assure all applicants that the New York Times is committed to diversity, as this recent photo of our newsroom makes clear. Yes. That person in the blue shirt.  No not that […]

The Left’s Absurd Political “Debate” Clichés All at Once

This is absolutely priceless.   .

May 1945, Hollywood Speaks: We are Adolph Hitler!

Heroic socialist Adolph Hitler in happier times With the American and Russian war machine closing in on Berlin and heroic socialist Adolph Hitler in hiding, Hollywood is making known where its sympathies lie.  A five minute film entitled “We are Adolph Hitler” is being released to theaters this week. “It’s important that this film be made” said MGM head Louis B. Mayer. This is my adopted homeland and I love it but I am ashamed of the war crimes our military is committing.  I support our troops but this war is immoral. The short film opens with many of Hollywood’s […]

Obama’s Weather Vain

“Obama’s vanity is a wonder of the world that never loses its power to astonish …” — George Will “ … our generation must move toward a global compact to confront a changing climate before it is too late.” – Barack Obama It’s a damned shame Obama the Magnificent and his rabid socialist minions weren’t always around to ‘confront a changing climate’.  Who knows, the dinosaurs may not have gone extinct. Anthropogenic Continental Drift: An Incoherent Truth (The People’s Cube) Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of […]

End of the World! Consider a Donation?

As we all know, the end of the world is today.  But, had you considered that your world goods will do you no good in the aftermath?  if you believe in karma, you might want consider donating your worldly goods to a worthy cause.  After all, why bring down eternal judgment on yourself for being stingy, like a Republican 1 percenter, or even worse, a tea bagger? On the right, you will notice a paypal donation button.  Make peace with the cosmos, and send all of your money to the CH 2.0 bunker.  It’ll be good for your spirit, and you can […]

Overweight Vulcan Charged with Bestiality!

You read it here first!  Take a look at the Vulcan, and read of his alleged crimes, like bestiality! Psycho Charged With Using Craigslist To Have Sex With Dog, Says Sexless Marriage Is To Blame – Weekly Vice James Naylor, a 47-year-old Mesa man was jailed Monday after he allegedly used Craigslist to shop for a dog he wanted to have sex with. ……………… According to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, an investigation was launched after Naylor placed ads on Craigslist seeking dogs to sexually abuse. … Investigators say Naylor showed up at the planned meeting spot expecting to have […]