Local resident and hunting enthusiast Elmer J. Fudd was gunned down by a SWAT team today when he refused to give up his “assault” double-barreled shotgun.
“We had no choice” said the Captain of the county’s newly-organized SWAT team.
He refused to give up his shotgun, or rifle. I don’t know what it was but it looked dangerous. Probably some sort of modified assault weapon. Look, haven’t we learned anything after the Newtown tragedy? The state can no longer tolerate guns like that in the hands of citizens. That’s why Governor Cuomo signed the SAFE act into law.
Fudd was known around town as a gun nut and avid hunter. As such he had been under police surveillance for awhile. The EPA had even visited him on one occasion to ask him to stop hunting.
“Look, first off meat is murder” said the EPA agent who visited Fudd.
And if meat is murder then killing meat is a double homicide. I told him that he had to adjust to modern times. The second amendment was written long before assault shotguns came into existence. For the greater good he had to give up his guns. Or at least keep them in a safe so his neighbors wouldn’t worry. He wouldn’t do either. He was just stubborn. He even volunteered to bring his gun to school so children could look at it and see it wasn’t dangerous. “A gun is a tool” he told me. “No better or worse than any other tool: an axe, a shovel or anything. A gun is as good or bad as the man using it. Remember that.” He actually said that. What kind of crazy talk is that?
Before leaving Fudd the agent told him that he would have a week to surrender his weapons.
When the week was up the SWAT team surrounded his residence and told him to come out with his hands up. Elmer opened his front door,dressed to go hunting with his infamous double-barreled assault shotgun his hands.
“Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits” he was heard to say followed by “Kiww the wabbit, kiww the wabbit, kiww the wabbit!”
“We knew we had a potentially explosive situation on our hands” according the the SWAT captain.
We didn’t know if he had any hostages in the house and we had to diffuse things. Neighborhood children were watching. What sort of message would we be sending if we didn’t take him out. He disobeyed a direct order to lay down his weapon. So we opened fire.
For a full minute a hale of bullets pierced the screaming Fudd. When it was over Fudd lay motionless on his stomach.
We approached very carefully because we didn’t know if he was alive. No one wanted to take any chances.
Agents soon discovered that Fudd was miraculously still alive.
“Where’s my gun? I just want to go hunting” he mumbled.
Even bleeding profusely from multiple bullet penetrations he still wanted his gun. That just goes to show you how dangerous gun nuts are. So we finished him off with a few rounds to the head.
Fudd’s house will be torn down and a plaque placed at the location as a reminder of the dangers of guns in the hands of private citizens.