Borg Collective Goes Co-op!

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borg_cube-300x255Prime real estate with a view!

The Borg Collective have announced that they will be converting many of their “Cube” spaceships into co-ops starting next Spring.

“I don’t have to tell you that traveling throughout space assimilating cultures is expensive” said the Borg Queen.

Our ships don’t run on prairie farts and pixie dust.  They need a source of energy. Also our hive mind isn’t exactly bringing in any income.  It’s collective, socialist and compassionate but not a money maker.  So a change needed to be made.  Sources of income had to be utilized.  One day I was walking through one of our cubes talking to a human we were about to assimilate and he asked me how much a corner studio would be.  I threw out a price and he said, “Wow.  That would be twice as much in the Village.”  I have no idea what this “Village” is he speaks about. He said it was in a place called “Manhattan.”

Needing cash fast to maintain their fleet of cubes the Borg decided to sell space. At first it was just ads.

Something called “eHarmony” paid us a lot of money to put billboards on our cubes. They even gave me a free membership.  For a weekend.  What’s up with that? Either it’s free or it’s not. And we also got a lot of anti-smoking advertisements. That brought in some money but we needed more.

As a trial, empty space aboard a few cubes were sold as living quarters.  The trial was not without its share of glitches.

Location location location as you humans say.  We had to mark down the first units because many were hesitant to move all the way to the Delta Quadrant.  I mean come on.  Our prices already were pretty low. We finally sold one and when he shows up all he wanted to know was if there were any antique stores nearby.  “My husband and I like to go antiquing on weekends” he told me.  They were pretty annoying. So once we got their money we assimilated them.

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Frequently potential buyers asked if a gym membership was included in the price of the co-op.

“The Borg don’t do gyms.  Weak biological units do gyms.  We are the Borg” I kept telling them. Well that answer didn’t go down too well.  The buyers all pulled out. So we partnered up with something called “Crunch” and we placed gyms on our all cubes.  That attracted a few buyers.

Another issue the Borg had to deal with was Wi-Fi.

That was one thing everyone was very concerned about.  Could they get Wi-Fi when they were sipping cappuccinos?  By the way, what the hell is a cappuccino?  Anyway at first we didn’t have an answer but then the humans started plugging their mobile devices into our Borg.  The Borg didn’t like that.  Still don’t.  It drains them but I kept telling them that we needed their money.  I didn’t mind the PC users but the Apple users were annoying.  The Borg have USB outlets so the people with macbooks kept asking if there was an Apple store around so they could buy a USB to thunderbolt adapter.

Despite the problems with the Cube co-op rollout the Borg have no plans on stopping the program.

Look we need the money.  Do I want to go co-op?  Of course not. Do I want hordes of cappuccino sipping hipsters in cut-offs littering our Cubes?  No. But sometimes the collective has to adapt.  If this keeps us in business so be it.

Studios aboard the Borg cubes start at $75,000 with one bedrooms going for $125,000.  Gym membership is included and Wi-Fi is available at selected locations.

 

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Students Subjected to Pro-Obama ‘I pledge’ Video

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school-fail

It seems the the Public Schools cannot stop political indoctrination. 

The Hudson School District admitted the video’s central message of serving the president could have been perceived as offensive to some people, according to MyFox9.com.

The video featured celebrities pledging to make a better world. Although most of their examples were pretty innocuous, some were downright over the top.

“I pledge to be of service to Barack Obama,” Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis said in the video.

“I pledge to be a servant to our president,” actress Demi Moore said.

Middle School Principal Dan Koch apologized to students Thursday afternoon. MtFox9 reported:

The “I Pledge” video we viewed yesterday included some messages about serving President Barack Obama. We apologize for any part of the video that was offensive to students, their families and staff. The video conveyed a message that people serve the presidency when in fact our elected officials serve the people. We respect the Office of the President of the United States but like all of our other elected officials, that office serves each of us as well. I sincerely hope that as participants in Wednesday’s event what you took away from the experience was to choose to make a difference in your world.

Here’s an interesting observation. On Wednesday, when students in Hudson, Wisc., were encouraged to serve President Obama, students in Liberal, Kan., were urged to serve God through student-led prayer.

Here is the offending ‘I Pledge’ video…

Of course, I’ve always enjoyed this version much more…

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Apple Enters Partnership With The Borg

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The old Borg - clumsy, limited graphics capability and unreliable cloud technology

The Borg Collective and Apple Computers have announced an exclusive and far-reaching partnership that will transform and update the Borg Model and make it competitive in the interstellar marketplace.  In a statement released today Apple CEO Tim Cook said:

Apple is excited about this new partnership and recognize the galaxy-wide brand name of the Borg.  We feel that this new initiative will help the Borg tap into the youth market here on Earth.  We welcome the Borg Queen onto our Board of Directors and look forward to a long and profitable relationship.

Apple also revealed the first Borg to be released under the new joint company called “Bopple.”   The iBorg (pictured here) The new Borg! will be a significant upgrade from the previously recognized Borg.  Gone will the old clumsy humanoid-computer hardware model.  In its place will be a slimmer, sleeker, hipper Borg.

The new iBorg will also come with secure cloud computing.

While we recognize that the Borg were pioneers in the Cloud computing industry, their old “cloud collective” was not without significant security failures.  How else do you explain Data being able to plant a command in the Borg regenerative subcommand path telling the Borg to go to sleep?  That’s a serious breach of security right there.  I mean, Jesus, haven’t the Borg ever heard of a firewall?

The new iBorg “Collective” will be cloud-computed at Apple’s corporate headquarters in Cupertino, California.

Our servers are much more secure and will be able to accommodate the iBorg more efficently. 

The recreational side of the Borg will not be overlooked either.  The iBorg will come with iTunes built into their operating system.

Well we want our partners to have a well-rounded universe-view.  Sure assimilating other cultures may be rewarding.  But what do you do on your downtime?  How does a Borg relax?  We believe having iTunes built into the Borg will significantly increase their happiness.

Already the iBorg is back-ordered.  Customers have been camped out at Apple stores across the country for the chance to be the first to buy one.

As for the Borg themselves, the Borg queen expressed satisfaction with the partnership and looks forward to the day when “Apple will be totally assimilated by us.”

“Yeah, there are still some issues to be resolved” said Cook. “But we are confident none will be deal-breakers.”

The iBorg retails for $2995 for the 32 terabyte and $5200 for the 64 terabyte edition.

Adapter not included.

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My Exclusive Interview with Locutus of Borg

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Resistence is futile.  It is!  No really!  Aw c’mon!  Assimilate!

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel just give me your purse lady and no one gets hurt I have the distinct pleasure of interviewing Locutus of Borg.  Locutus is a controversial figure here on Earth, seeing as he was charged with making our assimilation into the Borg collective easier.  I am honored that he has chosen me for his first Earth interview.

MI:  Welcome Locutus.  Let’s start out with some background questions about you.

LB:  I am Locutus of Borg.

MI: Yes I know that.  Now how did you get the job as the spokesman for the Borg?

LB:   Resistance is futile.

MI:  That’s what I told my ex wife on our first date when I had her in the back seat of my car.

LB:  Your life as it has been is over.

MI:  That’s what my ex wife told me when we got married.   Now what I’d – 

LB:   From this time forward you will service us.

MI:  Hey pal I ain’t servicing nobody until I see some cash up front.

LB:  You will disarm your weapons and escort us to sector 0-0-1. If you attempt to intervene we will destroy you.

MI:  And that’s why my wife’s divorce lawyer told me.  Now what I’d like to know – 

LB:  Resistance is futile.

MI:  Alright I’m going to have to ask you to get off your talking points or I’ll cut your mike.

LB:  [Pause.]  Okay.  The queen won’t like this but what would you like to know. 

MI:  You’re first attempt to assimilate Earth was unsuccessful.  What makes you think the second attempt will succeed?

LB:  Well basically with our first try we didn’t do our homework.  We chose the wrong area to assimilate.

MI:  You’re referring to the Borg landing in New York City?

LB:  Yes.  Specifically upper Manhattan.  Washington Heights I believe you humans call it.

MI:  What happened?

LB:  I walked into this bodega and the told the woman behind the counter that resistance was futile and that her life as she knows it is over.  I mean that line always worked on other worlds.

MI:  What did she do?

LB:  She said, “You better show some respect when you talk to me Papi!”  And the she slapped me.  Knocked some of my Borg implants out.  

MI:  That must have been embarrassing.

LB:  It was………..undignified.

MI:  And then what?

LB:  The next thing I know I was surrounded by Earthers.  They kept taunting me saying, “Chump ass with the implants don’t start no trouble won’t be no trouble.”

MI:  You’re not used to resistance?

LB:  Hell no.  Usually we just give them the old ‘resistance is futile’ line and they fold.   But these New Yorkers chased me out of the store and up Broadway throwing things at me.  I think they fired a few shots as well.

MI:  Well it serves you right.  You just don’t walk into a bodega in Washington Heights and pull that shit. You’re lucky you’re still alive.  So how did this episode end?

LB:  Well to make a long story short I ended up face down floating in the Harlem River.  Most of my Borg implants had been stolen.  And my wallet was missing too.

MI:  Borgs carry wallets?

LB:  Where else are we going to store our credit cards?

MI:  Interesting.  So then what?

LB:  I floated over to the Bronx where some Seventh Day Adventists picked me up and cared for me.   And hey they did me a whale of good.  I converted.  I’m a vegetarian now.  No pork, shellfish, alcohol or tobacco for me.  I’m clean.  

MI:  What do the other Borg think of your conversion?

LB:  They were concerned at first.  They thought my new religious beliefs would make me lose my edge.  But then I explained to them that Seventh Day Adventists were not Methodists and that seemed to allay their fears.

MI: So what’s next for Locutus of Borg?

LB:  Well I’m getting my green card.  And I’m opening a flower shop.  “Resistance to my flowers is futile” is the slogan.  Pretty catchy don’t you think?

MI:  I, wow.  Um.  I don’t know what to say.

LB:  Hey can we wrap this up?  I’m late for the Adventist picnic.  Why don’t you come along?

MI:  Okay.  Will there be any alcohol?

LB:  Alcohol?  Please.  We’re not Catholics.

MI: Then I’m going to have to pass.  Thank you for the interview.

LB:  No problem.  And if you see Deanna Troi tell her I’m sorry I haven’t called her but I’ve been busy.

MI:  Will do.

I thank Locutus of Borg for his time.  And drop by his flower shop.  I like to see small businesses succeed.

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