Thank you for applying for a position at the New York Times. As you may be aware the position of Executive Editor was recently vacated by Jill Abamson, after it was discovered that she was a real woman and not one of the fake ones we in the newsroom enjoy hanging out with.
While Ms. Abramson’s firing may us make look bad in the short run, we’d like to assure all applicants that the New York Times is committed to diversity, as this recent photo of our newsroom makes clear.
Yes. That person in the blue shirt. No not that one. The other one. While not a negro this mystery person in the blue shirt may possibly be of Eastern European origin or even Italian. As we like to say in the newsroom, he was displaying “negro-like tendencies.”
So don’t let the recent firing of this pushy bitch lower your opinion of the brand name that is the New York Times. As President Obama likes to lead from behind, the Times likes to lead from behind when it comes to diversity.
We at the Times love women. Many of our reporters have screensavers that feature scantily-clad young, beautiful women.
So let us reiterate that the New York Times in no way, shape or form, condones prejudice or intolerance in the workplace. Unless you are conservative. Or a pushy bitch.
As an applicant to the Times your application will be “blind-reviewed” by experts in the field of journalism.
Your skin color, race, gender and sexual identity will be unknown to them. Though if your cover letter contains no spelling errors, run-on sentences, grammatical mistakes or even expresses a coherent thought we will assume that you are writing from a position of “White privilege” and you will be disqualified.
You might be asking about our publisher, Arthur Sulzberger, Jr.
Is he a white male of northern European origin as has been rumored?
Yes. It is true. Arthur Sulzberger Jr., is white. He has always been white and, not being Irish, sees no reason to hide his whiteness, his white privilege or his ableism.
But, in Mr. Sulzberger’s defense, he has always been conflicted about this.
In fact Mr. Sulzberger has recently started a program in the newsroom where white reporters are encouraged to discuss their racism and privilege in front of a “Truth and Reconciliation” committee composed of several minority cooks from our commissary.
This program has proven to be very successful. And it is catered!
So once again, dear applicant, let us assure you that the New York Times will review your credentials fairly and impartially.
The Editorial Board of the New York Times (54)