Larry Hagman, Known Best as J.R. Ewing on Dallas, Dead at 81

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Larry Hagman, best known as the despicable J.R. Ewing on the long running show “Dallas,” has died at age 81.  Dallas News has more…

Larry was back in his beloved Dallas re-enacting the iconic role he loved most,” his family said in a written statement. “Larry’s family and close friends had joined him in Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday. When he passed, he was surrounded by loved ones. It was a peaceful passing, just as he had wished for. The family requests privacy at this time.”

The role of J.R. transformed Mr. Hagman’s life. He rocketed from being a merely well-known TV actor on I Dream of Jeannie and the son of Broadway legend Mary Martin, to the kind of international fame known only by the likes the Beatles and Muhammad Ali.

Mr. Hagman made his home in California with his wife of 59 years, the former Maj Axelsson. Despite obvious physical frailty, he gamely returned to Dallas to film season one and part of season two of TNT’s Dallas reboot.

As noted, Hagman was in poor health after a struggle with cancer.  An official cause of death is unavailable at the time of this writing.

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Amid Scandal, Major Nelson Resigns from NASA

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Amid mounting criticism Major Tony Nelson of NASA has announced his resignation.  The growing scandal, dubbed “JeannieGate” by the press has threatened future funding for the organization at a time when the United States space program is already at an all time low.

“We have no space program now.  We have to depend of other nations to get our astronauts into space” said Mitch McConnell, (R-KY).  “And now we find out that one of our astronauts has a concubine with magical powers.  Is this why President Obama has reduced funding to NASA?  How much did Obama know about the genie and when did he know it?”

Even before the disclosure that he kept a concubine dressed in a revealing outfit in a bottle in his house, there were rumors about Major Nelson’s strange behavior, ranging from being in two places at once to his penchant for invisible dogs who hate uniforms.

Nelson’s immediate superior at NASA, Major General Martin Peterson, in an attempt to save his own career, has put a positive spin on the scandal, touting it as an example of the success of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

“I specifically did not ask Major Nelson if he kept a concubine with magical powers and he specifically did not tell me.  End of story.”

Despite Peterson’s comments insiders say Nelson had no choice but to resign.

“How much money have we expended on NASA?  How many shuttles have we lost?  How many men have died?  And now we find out that Nelson had a genie who could blink away every problem?  His reputation is toast” said close friend Major Roger Healey, who himself is under fire for a notoriously immoral private life that has lead to the spread of a previously unknown form of V.D. throughout NASA nicknamed “Screw the Pooch.”

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Healey may have also known about the genie, given his relationship with Nelson, though he denies any knowledge of Nelson’s concubine.

The criticism of Nelson goes beyond the confines of NASA.  In Afghanistan, General Stanley McChrystal called Nelson “selfish” for keeping his genie to himself.

“We’re in a shooting war here.  She could help us by blinking away Al Qaeda. If nothing else the fact that this girl  is from Baghdad could help us build bridges with the Muslim population. As long as she keeps her navel covered that is.”

Perhaps the only person happy about Nelson’s genie is NASA psychiatrist, Colonel Alfred Bellows, who is currently on leave after suffering a nervous breakdown that he blames on Nelson.

“I knew it!  All those years of watching Nelson, trying to prove that something wasn’t right.  No one believed  me.  They all thought I was crazy.  But I’m not crazy. I’m not.  Now will someone please get this straitjacket off me.  I’m not dangerous.”

From Baghdad, Haji, the “Chief of All Genies” had no comment on the scandal.

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

Image H/T: PopMatters

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