Greatest Hits: Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys

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Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys:  Manhattan Infidel was the first respectable news source to cover the shocking events on the Island of Misfit Toys!

For years Santa had stopped at the Island of Misfit Toys.  But no more.

“I wouldn’t go near that place anymore” said Santa.  “It’s more dangerous than Mexico, Afghanistan or Detroit.”

The culprit is politics.  For years the Island of Misfit Toys had been ruled by King Moonracer (pictured here),King Moonracer, who has never read the Federalist Papers an absolute, hereditary monarch.  But not all were happy with his rule.  Chief among them was Charlie-in-the-Box (seen here.) Charlie in the box fights the powerCharlie, who sees himself as the Island’s resident intellectual, had taken to reading the Federalist Papers and the Declaration of Independence.  Dissatisfied with his position as a subject he began to push for more civil rights and liberalization of the Island’s political structure.  As Charlie said in a manifesto he had plastered throughout the Island:

King Moonracer says he is a benevolent king.  But where is our right to vote?  Where is our right to peacefully assemble and redress grievances?  Our taxes are too high.  His Secret Police spy on us. He has an insatiable sexual appetite and uses our Island’s virgins including Dolly for Sue (pictured here)Dolly just wants to be loved for his own pleasure.  And to top it off, he’s a Red Sox fan.  Fight the power!  Up with the Republic!

Needless to say the manifestos did not sit well with King Moonracer.  Unable to arrest Charlie-in-the Box, who had gone into hiding with the I.M.T.R.A (Island of Misfit Toys Republican Army), Moonracer arrested the polka dot spotted elephant (seen here in an undated file photo)The Poka Dot Elephant, an innocent victim of political violence and had him tortured to reveal Charlie’s whereabouts.  As the elephant’s toenails were ripped off, his trunk turned inside out and electrodes attached to his genitalia, his pathetic screams could be heard around the Island.

Reaction from the Republican Army was swift.  Dozens of the King’s Secret Police were shot.  The King, in an incident now known as “Bloody Sunday“, retaliated by having his troops fire on a crowd watching a soccer match.

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As atrocities rage on both sides the fighting shows no signs of letting up, despite offers from the King of a truce, with free bread and posters of David Ortiz to those who accept his pardon.

Currently 60% of the Island is controlled by Republican forces while the other 40% is held by King Moonracer and his loyalists, including Dolly for Sue, who escaped past Republican road blocks to reunite with her lover.

“All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved” Dolly said in a farewell message to Charlie-in-the-Box. “King Moonracer loves me and he is kind to me.”

The I.M.T.R.A. for its part has declared Dolly a traitor and sentenced her to death “In absentia.”

The U.S. State Department has issued an advisory warning its citizens against traveling to the Island of Misfit Toys.

President Obama has called for a “Two state solution” with the Island partitioned into Republican and Loyalist sections.

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

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Yukon Cornelius Investigated for Possible Hate Crimes!

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yukon-cornelius
Hate crimes? Patriarchy? What the hell do I know about that! I’m just a damn prospector.

It has been announced that well-known North Pole prospector Yukon Cornelius is under investigation by the Island of Misfit Toys Department of Thought for possible hate crimes.

“He’s been on our radar for awhile now” said Charlie-in-the-Box (pictured here), the Department of Thought’s sub-commissar.

charlie-in-the-box
All thought must serve the needs of the State!

 

His very presence has been an issue with some of our residents.  We live in peace as comrades.  Yukon is a known capitalist and what’s more a known rapist.  He uses his pickaxe of patriarchy to take from Mother Earth her precious natural resources. We here on the Island of Misfit Toys also have outlawed prejudice.  Mr. Cornelius seems to have an issue with Bumbles and takes delight in taunting them. So he must be investigated.  If his thoughts are not pure he will be corrected.  All thought must serve the State.  I take no pleasure in doing this. I am personally found of Yukon but it must be done.

bumble-300x225
The North Pole’s gentle giant, the Bumble.

The first count of incorrect thought that Yukon Cornelius has been charged with involves an episode where he pushed the Bumble into water so he could watch him sink. Witnesses have told the Department of Thought that Cornelius chuckled as the Bumble struggled to say afloat and said, “Observe the Bumble’s one weakness!  Bumbles sink!  Ha ha!”

“This is clearly bullying” said Charlie-in-the-Box.  “And bullying is wrong. Proper thinking citizens have just said no to bullying.”

Yukon was also prone to spreading rumors about the Bumble.

“Didn’t I ever tell you about Bumbles? Bumbles bounce” he would often tell anyone who was unfortunate enough to be within earshot of his hatred.

“Bumbles bounce?  Why that’s like saying all blacks have natural rhythm” said an outraged Charlie-in-the-Box.

Not content with bullying or spreading calumnies against the Bumble’s character, Yukon on one occasion even attempted outright violence against him, pushing the Bumble off a cliff. Fortunately for the Department of Thought the hate crime was caught on camera.

bumble-snowman-300x225
Hatred caught on film!

 

Yukon Cornelius for his part claims he is innocent of all the charges and denies that the Bumble had his hands up and was saying “I can’t breathe” when he pushed him off the cliff.

“I ain’t got nothing against the Bumble” said the racist Cornelius.

But he was threatening my friend Rudolph. He was charging at us.  I had no choice but to defend myself.  Besides no harm no foul.  Bumbles do bounce.  He bounced right back up. Yes, he bounced!  Accept it!  These are the facts people!  How can a fact be a hate crime?

“Yukon’s contentions are irrelevant” declared Charlie-in-the-Box.

To even suggest that a Bumble might bounce is Prima facie evidence of his deplorable, disgusting, backward patterns of thought.

If convicted of hate crimes, Yukon Cornelius will have to register as a hate crime offender with the Island of Misfit Toys.

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King Moonracer Killed in Drone Attack!

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I support the United States and the war on....um...what's that noise?

I support the United States and the war on….um…what’s that noise?

In  what will certainly be a major embarrassment for the Obama Administration, a key ally in the War on Terror, King Moonracer, was killed in a drone attack yesterday.

Multiple sources confirm that King Moonracer was killed at 2:40 pm local time while strolling the grounds of his palace waiting for an Amazon drone to deliver his copy of the Complete Bing Crosby Christmas Specials.

“Our beloved King is dead” ran the official statement.

He spent his entire life caring for his subjects. Many a resident of the Island of Misfit Toys remembers fondly the Christmas Eve tradition of his majesty inviting us to the Royal Castle so we could all watch the Bing Crosby Christmas Specials together. Now all that is gone because of American militarism.

While the incident is still being investigated, it appears that King Moonracer was the victim of a programming malfunction. At the same exact moment that the king placed his order for a fresh copy of Crosby’s specials, the CIA had launched a drone to take out an al Qaeda leader.

In a series of tragic mistakes the CIA drone was misdirected to Moonracer’s castle while the Amazon drone safely delivered its package to a warlord in Somalia.

Witnesses say that Moonracer was pacing about impatiently awaiting his delivery when the drone appeared over his castle.

“That’s it!  That’s the drone that’s going to deliver the Bing Crosby shows for the kids” exclaimed Moonracer excitedly.

Instead the drone launched a missile at Moonracer, severely injuring him.

As he lay in the wreckage of his castle, his tail torn off,  three limbs missing and and eye socket blown out, Moonracer moaned, “Why?  Why would Bing Crosby do this to me?”

Its software sensing that Moonracer was still alive, a second missile was launched, this time fatally killing the King.

“Dude, his body parts were blown all over the island” said a resident.

In Somalia, meanwhile, al Qaeda warlords ran for cover as the Amazon drone appeared overhead.

“Many thought they were going to die” according to witnesses.

Instead the drone softly landed in their compound and delivered the Bing Crosby DVDs.  The warlords were confused at first, with many fearing it was an American trick.

“Do you see how the Americans mock us with this decadent Bing person!”

The DVDs were burned and the unfortunate drone left to be mounted by goats.

From Washington President Obama apologized for the unfortunate death of King Moonracer and praised his leadership, calling him an important ally in the war on terror.

The Island of Misfit Toys has declared a state of emergency placing its military in a high state of alert for a possible attack on the United States.

“Never again will we allow the United States to attack us” said its acting leader, the polka dot spotted elephant.

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

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Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys

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For years Santa had stopped at the Island of Misfit Toys.  But no more.

“I wouldn’t go near that place anymore” said Santa.  “It’s more dangerous than Mexico, Afghanistan or Detroit.”

The culprit is politics.  For years the Island of Misfit Toys had been ruled by King Moonracer (pictured here),King Moonracer, who has never read the Federalist Papers an absolute, hereditary monarch.  But not all were happy with his rule.  Chief among them was Charlie-in-the-Box (seen here.) Charlie in the box fights the powerCharlie, who sees himself as the Island’s resident intellectual, had taken to reading the Federalist Papers and the Declaration of Independence.  Dissatisfied with his position as a subject he began to push for more civil rights and liberalization of the Island’s political structure.  As Charlie said in a manifesto he had plastered throughout the Island:

King Moonracer says he is a benevolent king.  But where is our right to vote?  Where is our right to peacefully assemble and redress grievances?  Our taxes are too high.  His Secret Police spy on us. He has an insatiable sexual appetite and uses our Island’s virgins including Dolly for Sue (pictured here)Dolly just wants to be loved for his own pleasure.  And to top it off, he’s a Red Sox fan.  Fight the power!  Up with the Republic!

Needless to say the manifestos did not sit well with King Moonracer.  Unable to arrest Charlie-in-the Box, who had gone into hiding with the I.M.T.R.A (Island of Misfit Toys Republican Army), Moonracer arrested the polka dot spotted elephant (seen here in an undated file photo)The Poka Dot Elephant, an innocent victim of political violence and had him tortured to reveal Charlie’s whereabouts.  As the elephant’s toenails were ripped off, his trunk turned inside out and electrodes attached to his genitalia, his pathetic screams could be heard around the Island.

Reaction from the Republican Army was swift.  Dozens of the King’s Secret Police were shot.  The King, in an incident now known as “Bloody Sunday“, retaliated by having his troops fire on a crowd watching a soccer match.

As atrocities rage on both sides the fighting shows no signs of letting up, despite offers from the King of a truce, with free bread and posters of David Ortiz to those who accept his pardon.

Currently 60% of the Island is controlled by Republican forces while the other 40% is held by King Moonracer and his loyalists, including Dolly for Sue, who escaped past Republican road blocks to reunite with her lover.

“All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved” Dolly said in a farewell message to Charlie-in-the-Box. “King Moonracer loves me and he is kind to me.”

The I.M.T.R.A. for its part has declared Dolly a traitor and sentenced her to death “In absentia.”

The U.S. State Department has issued an advisory warning its citizens against traveling to the Island of Misfit Toys.

President Obama has called for a “Two state solution” with the Island partitioned into Republican and Loyalist sections.

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

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Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys

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For years Santa had stopped at the Island of Misfit Toys.  But no more.

“I wouldn’t go near that place anymore” said Santa.  “It’s more dangerous than Mexico, Afghanistan or Detroit.”

The culprit is politics.  For years the Island of Misfit Toys had been ruled by King Moonracer (pictured here),King Moonracer, who has never read the Federalist Papers an absolute, hereditary monarch.  But not all were happy with his rule.  Chief among them was Charlie-in-the-Box (seen here.) Charlie in the box fights the powerCharlie, who sees himself as the Island’s resident intellectual, had taken to reading the Federalist Papers and the Declaration of Independence.  Dissatisfied with his position as a subject he began to push for more civil rights and liberalization of the Island’s political structure.  As Charlie said in a manifesto he had plastered throughout the Island:

King Moonracer says he is a benevolent king.  But where is our right to vote?  Where is our right to peacefully assemble and redress grievances?  Our taxes are too high.  His Secret Police spy on us. He has an insatiable sexual appetite and uses our Island’s virgins including Dolly for Sue (pictured here)Dolly just wants to be loved for his own pleasure.  And to top it off, he’s a Red Sox fan.  Fight the power!  Up with the Republic!

Needless to say the manifestos did not sit well with King Moonracer.  Unable to arrest Charlie-in-the Box, who had gone into hiding with the I.M.T.R.A (Island of Misfit Toys Republican Army), Moonracer arrested the polka dot spotted elephant (seen here in an undated file photo)The Poka Dot Elephant, an innocent victim of political violence and had him tortured to reveal Charlie’s whereabouts.  As the elephant’s toenails were ripped off, his trunk turned inside out and electrodes attached to his genitalia, his pathetic screams could be heard around the Island.

Reaction from the Republican Army was swift.  Dozens of the King’s Secret Police were shot.  The King, in an incident now known as “Bloody Sunday“, retaliated by having his troops fire on a crowd watching a soccer match.

As atrocities rage on both sides the fighting shows no signs of letting up, despite offers from the King of a truce, with free bread and posters of David Ortiz to those who accept his pardon.

Currently 60% of the Island is controlled by Republican forces while the other 40% is held by King Moonracer and his loyalists, including Dolly for Sue, who escaped past Republican road blocks to reunite with her lover.

“All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved” Dolly said in a farewell message to Charlie-in-the-Box. “King Moonracer loves me and he is kind to me.”

The I.M.T.R.A. for its part has declared Dolly a traitor and sentenced her to death “In absentia.”

The U.S. State Department has issued an advisory warning its citizens against traveling to the Island of Misfit Toys.

President Obama has called for a “Two state solution” with the Island partitioned into Republican and Loyalist sections.

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

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Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys

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For years Santa had stopped at the Island of Misfit Toys.  But no more.

“I wouldn’t go near that place anymore” said Santa.  “It’s more dangerous than Mexico, Afghanistan or Detroit.”

The culprit is politics.  For years the Island of Misfit Toys had been ruled by King Moonracer (pictured here),King Moonracer, who has never read the Federalist Papers an absolute, hereditary monarch.  But not all were happy with his rule.  Chief among them was Charlie-in-the-Box (seen here.) Charlie in the box fights the power Charlie, who sees himself as the Island’s resident intellectual, had taken to reading the Federalist Papers and the Declaration of Independence.  Dissatisfied with his position as a subject he began to push for more civil rights and liberalization of the Island’s political structure.  As Charlie said in a manifesto he had plastered throughout the Island:

King Moonracer says he is a benevolent king.  But where is our right to vote?  Where is our right to peacefully assemble and redress grievances?  Our taxes are too high.  His Secret Police spy on us. He has an insatiable sexual appetite and uses our Island’s virgins including Dolly for Sue (pictured here)Dolly just wants to be loved for his own pleasure.  And to top it off, he’s a Red Sox fan.  Fight the power!  Up with the Republic!

Needless to say the manifestos did not sit well with King Moonracer.  Unable to arrest Charlie-in-the Box, who had gone into hiding with the I.M.T.R.A (Island of Misfit Toys Republican Army), Moonracer arrested the polka dot spotted elephant (seen here in an undated file photo)The Poka Dot Elephant, an innocent victim of political violence and had him tortured to reveal Charlie’s whereabouts.  As the elephant’s toenails were ripped off, his trunk turned inside out and electrodes attached to his genitalia, his pathetic screams could be heard around the Island.

Reaction from the Republican Army was swift.  Dozens of the King’s Secret Police were shot.  The King, in an incident now known as “Bloody Sunday“, retaliated by having his troops fire on a crowd watching a soccer match.

As atrocities rage on both sides the fighting shows no signs of letting up, despite offers from the King of a truce, with free bread and posters of David Ortiz to those who accept his pardon.

Currently 60% of the Island is controlled by Republican forces while the other 40% is held by King Moonracer and his loyalists, including Dolly for Sue, who escaped past Republican road blocks to reunite with her lover.

“All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved” Dolly said in a farewell message to Charlie-in-the-Box.  “King Moonracer loves me and he is kind to me.”

The I.M.T.R.A. for its part has declared Dolly a traitor and sentenced her to death “In absentia.”

The U.S. State Department has issued an advisory warning its citizens against traveling to the Island of Misfit Toys.

President Obama has called for a “Two state solution” with the Island partitioned into Republican and Loyalist sections.

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

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