Keith Richards Writes Children’s Book!

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I do not like green eggs and heroin.

I do not like green eggs and heroin.

 

Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones, has announced that he is writing a children’s book.

 

“It’s true” said Mr. Richards on his website.

 

I have just become a grandfather for the fifth time, so I know what I’m talking about. The bond, the special bond, between kids and grandparents is unique and should be treasured. I hope one day to have grandchildren.  What?  Five of them?  Are you sure?  How did this happen?  I don’t even remember having kids.

 

We here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel have obtained an advance copy of the novel entitled, “Green Eggs and Heroin” and we are pleased to present a few portions for our readers.

 

And on a personal note I found this novel to be amusing and heartwarming.  I particularly liked the part where he has the protagonist murder and dismember a customs official in the Barbados who lost Keith’s stash.

 

Do you like green eggs and heroin?

I do not like them said my prissy lead singer, Mick.  I do not like green eggs and heroin.

Well tough because I have my stash here.  Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them said the pain in the ass lead singer

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I would not like them anywhere

I do not like green eggs and heroin.

I do not like them repeated the overrated lead singer named Mick-I-am.

Would you like them in a house?  Or with a mouse?  Or in a car speeding away from customs officials?

I do not like them in a house.  I do not like them with a mouse (though ratatouille might suffice)

I do not like them anyway said my drug-free lover of David Bowie lead singer.

Would you eat heroin in a box like a prison?  Because that’s where we’re heading if we don’t lose the customs officials.

Could you, would you eat green eggs and heroin with a goat?

I would not said the jackass lead singer, for I am a vegan.

If you let me be said the lead singer with the freakishly large lips

I will try them.  You will see.

Say!  I like green eggs and ham said the lead singer.

I do!  I do like them.  Now lets kill that customs official before he can call the police.

 

As you can see from this snippet the book is a fascinating tale of persistence.  The green eggs and heroin obviously represent rock and roll.  Keith is trying to convince his lead singer to kick out the jams  As for the customs official, I’m not sure but I think he represents Brian Jones. And the book as a whole represents Keith trying to impart the wisdom of an older generation to a younger one.

The entire book will be available on iTunes in June.

Original Post:  Manhattan Infidel

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Keith Richards Joins Cast of Walking Dead

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The Walking Dead, now starring Keith Richards

The Walking Dead, now starring Keith Richards

The executive producers of AMC’s hit show The Walking Dead have announced that Keith Richards  (pictured here)

Keith Richards on the set of The Walking Dead

Keith Richards on the set of The Walking Dead

No wait, I’m sorry.  That wasn’t Keith Richards.  Here is a recent photo of Keith Richards:

Here is a recent photo of Keith Richards.

Here is a recent photo of Keith Richards.

No wait.  I apologize again.  That wasn’t Keith Richards.  This is Keith Richards:

This is the real Keith Richards

This is the real Keith Richards

I’m sorry.  I feel so embarrassed.  That wasn’t Keith Richards either.  This is an actual photo of Keith Richards:

Keith Richards at a recent press conference

Keith Richards at a recent press conference

My research staff has failed me.  This is the real Keith Richards:

My research staff has finally provided a photo of Keith Richards

My research staff has finally provided a photo of Keith Richards

will be joining the cast for season four.

“Keith is a big fan of the show” said one of the executive producers.

He called up up and said how much he loved watching and could he possibly be on the show.  At least I think that’s what he said.  All I could really catch were the words “heroin” repeated over and over.  So we immediately signed him to a six episode story arc.  He’ll be playing a zombie that penetrates the prison our survivors are hiding at and threatens everyone.  Keith has been great to work with.  All he asked for was that his character be written realistically and reflect the inner dignity of zombies.  And heroin.  Lots of heroin.  Fortunately as a Hollywood producer I always have a supply of heroin close at hand.

The producers have touted the hiring of Richards as an example of “Cinéma vérité .”

We are all proud to be associated with this show.  But we must acknowledge the fact that the cast is noninclusive in that they are all still alive.  Mr. Richards has been dead for over 35 years and he will bring an important zombie perspective to the show.  The first three years were told from the point of view of the living.  We want to move in a new direction.  Richards will provide that.  And he’s going to save us money since we won’t have to put any makeup on him.

Richards’ hiring was hailed by the Zombie Anti-Defamation League as an important step forward in the portrayal of zombies.

For years Hollywood has hired the living to portray zombies, putting them in zombie black face so to speak.  This has been painful for all of us.  Either that or they would hire zombies but have them hide their zombie heritage.  Yes, I am referring to Lee Majors.

“Zombies are the new gays, who are the new blacks” said series star Andrew Lincoln.  “I welcome Keith to the cast.”

As for Richards, he has expressed excitement over his new role.

“Heroin!  Heroin!  Heroin” he repeatedly exclaimed at the press conference announcing his hiring.

“I may run out of heroin” said a producer.  “This hasn’t happened since I made that movie with River Phoenix.

Original Post:  Manhattan Infidel

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Orville Redenbacher Scandal Widens

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Eat my popcorn!  Don’t worry about your testicles!

The controversy surrounding Orville Redenbacher and his iconic brand of popcorn grows deeper with each stunning revelation.

The scandal first erupted when several college students made trips to emergency rooms complaining that they couldn’t sleep, were nervous, couldn’t concentrate and that their testicles had dropped off.

“At first we though they were Business Administration majors because, you know, like capitalism is evil” said one ER doctor.

But then more people from different walks of life started complaining of the same symptoms.

Doctors from the Center for Disease Control arrived to conduct an investigation.  What they found surprised and troubled them.

Before we even arrived we were sure that what we were looking at was the result of global warming or pollution caused by too many people driving gas-guzzling SUVs.  Because we in the government are concerned our citizens aren’t taking the threat of climate change seriously or taking appropriate steps to reduce their carbon footprint.

But after conducting tests and talking with those infected the CDC discovered that there was one thing everyone had in common:  They all ate Orville Redenbacher’s popcorn.

Chemical analysis were conducted on Redenbacher’s popcorn which revealed the presence of alarmingly high quantities of anabolic steroids.

When asked to explain this Redenbacher said:

I needed an edge.  A reason for people to come back and eat my popcorn.  Come on why pick on me?  Everyone’s doing it.  All the major popcorn brands are juiced up. And if juicing is wrong why does Melky Cabrera eat my popcorn every morning?

Despite Mr. Redenbacher’s protestations, his popcorn was placed on the controlled substance list by the Food and Drug Administration.  Redenbacher’s factories have been shut down and his popcorn burned in large bonfires.

Once access to Redenbacher popcorn was restricted those complaining of symptoms returned to normal.  Said an CDC agent:

Our citizens are sleeping more, are less nervous and can concentrate. Sadly their testicles haven’t grown back but that’s probably a good thing, what with the Republicans declaring war on women and denying free birth control to people.

Redenbacher’s  shut-down factories will reopen soon, run by the Government and selling green hybrid cars that run on gasoline and electric power.

As for Redenbacher, he has gone into hiding though rumor has it he has joined the Rolling Stones’ entourage and is supplying Keith Richards with popcorn.

When reached for comment Richards denied this though he also said that the government should “keep its hands off my popcorn!”

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

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