Television personality Alec Baldwin, fed up with the demands of fame, has announced his intention to leave public life for good. Since the mission statement of the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel says clearly that “no stone will be left unturned in pursuit of the truth” (1) I have invited Mr. Baldwin to explain his reasons for leaving public life.
(1) My mission statement also mentions frequent lap dances from Minka Kelly
but for the purposes of this post we will concentrate on pursuit of the truth.
MI: Good afternoon Mr. Baldwin.
AB: Are you part of the so-called new media?
MI: I have a blog if that’s what you mean.
AB: It is and f*ck you.
MI: Okay well the question everybody wants to know is why you are leaving public life?
AB: I’m tired. I’m tired of being a slave.
AB: Yes you don’t know the living hell my life is. Making seven figures a year. Working 8 hours a day sometimes for 20 or 25 weeks a year. Chauffeured limousines driving me everywhere. It was slavery pure and simple. Now I know how black people felt when they were slaves. It must have been exactly the same.
MI: Yeah I think their experience was slightly different.
AB: Shut up you faggot Jew.
MI: There we go again with the slurs. Are you homophobic?
AB: F*ck you asshole. I work in showbiz. I’m awash in gay people. Faggots hand me my script in the morning. Faggots do my hair. Fags direct me. Faggot producers hire me. Faggot actors do scenes with me. So don’t tell me I hate fags.
[Piers Morgan enters]
PM: Manhattan Infidel, may I say something?
MI: Go ahead.
PM: I understand why Alec Baldwin is retiring from public life. It’s for his safety. America is a very dangerous place. You’re all provincial gun nuts who kill at the drop of a hat. That’s why I too have decided to leave public life. I fear for my safety around all you stupid cowboy Americans.
MI: Oh. I thought you were leaving because your show was cancelled. Something about no one watching it.
PM: You dare speak to me that way you stupid American? I am Piers Morgan. I’m British!
MI: Well that explains why you are an asshole.
[Philip Seymour Hoffman enters]
PSH: Hey can anyone crash this party?
MI: Philip Seymour Hoffman? I thought you were dead?
PSH: Death cannot stop me. I’m an actor. I have no soul.
AB: Hey Phil, are you a faggot?
PSH:My sexuality is as diverse as my favorite brands of heroin.
PM: Did either of you ever watch my show?
PM: Well f*ck you then.
PSH, AB: F*ck you Morgan!
MI: Excuse me, may I continue with the interview?
PSH, AB, PM: F*ck you Manhattan Infidel!
MI: Alright I’m out of here.
[Manhattan Infidel leaves]
PSH: Did he leave? He looked like he might be able to score me some heroin.
And so I left and returned to my office. And Minka Kelly, I’m still waiting for my lap dance.