NORAD Tracks Santa: 2013

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For over five decades, NORAD has tracked Santa for children all over the US, and now, the world.

For more than 50 years, NORAD and its predecessor, the Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) have tracked Santa’s flight.

The tradition began in 1955 after a Colorado Springs-based Sears Roebuck & Co. advertisement misprinted the telephone number for children to call Santa. Instead of reaching Santa, the phone number put kids through to the CONAD Commander-in-Chief’s operations “hotline.” The Director of Operations at the time, Colonel Harry Shoup, had his staff check the radar for indications of Santa making his way south from the North Pole. Children who called were given updates on his location, and a tradition was born.

In 1958, the governments of Canada and the United States created a bi-national air defense command for North America called the North American Aerospace Defense Command, also known as NORAD, which then took on the tradition of tracking Santa.

Since that time, NORAD men, women, family and friends have selflessly volunteered their time to personally respond to phone calls and emails from children all around the world. In addition, we now track Santa using the internet. Millions of people who want to know Santa’s whereabouts now visit the NORAD Tracks Santa website.

Finally, media from all over the world rely on NORAD as a trusted source to provide updates on Santa’s journey.

Kids, you can keep track of Santa by going to the NORAD tracks Santa website.  There are games, videos, and the tracking information for Santa.  Just don’t stay up too late!

Merry Christmas!

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Santa Declares Bankruptcy

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I need capital!

I need capital!

Santa Claus, founder and CEO of Santa Claus Industries, has announced that he will be filing for chapter 11. With liabilities of over 300,000 million and assets of only $1,245 Santa says that he really has no choice.

“The business has changed” said Santa.

It used to be I was the only game in town.  And I was younger and had a good time delivering presents to all the boys and girls.  But lately?  The competition from Amazon is killing me.  And I’m older too. Last year I wasn’t able to finish Christmas until December 27th.  I have a lot of parents suing me over this.

Compounding Santa’s problems was the ticking time bomb of employee pensions. With the average age of elves at 52, and with half the elf workforce already in retirement Santa had to funnel money originally slated for research and development to paying his former employee’s pensions.

“I wish I was a tougher negotiator” declared the downtrodden Santa.

My instinct told me that having to fund my employee’s retirement was a bad idea.  I mean, they have private IRAs they can and should be investing in. But the union negotiator told me that funding the elves’ pension would be “compassionate.”  So like I sucker I agreed.  And here I am now.  Compassionate?  Let’s see how compassionate the elves feel when the factory shuts down.  Goodbye pension!

The final straw for Santa was his attempt to modernize the process of asking for presents with the Santacare.gov web site.  Under Santacare all boys and girls had to register with the web site and enter information about themselves such as where they live, what presents they wanted and whether they had been naughty or nice.

But Santacare was plagued with problems from the beginning.  Children who attempted to register were greeted with a message that the site was temporarily down.

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I don’t know how this happened.  I used the best and brightest web designers. These guys had worked with the government, for god’s sake.  They told me they could have the site up and running by October 1st.  So October 1st comes along and bam – the site crashes.  I had to take it down and promise to have it up and running by December 1st.  Well it’s after December 1st and it still isn’t running.  I have children calling and crying saying that they can’t register.  Many sadly will have no presents on December 25th. 

Experts who have examined Santacare.gov complain of the lack of security build into the web site.

“It’s a hacker’s paradise” said one.

Indeed the personal information that children entered is often used against them. Many children who declared themselves “naughty” had their personal information sold to Google.

“Now whenever my daughter goes online she’s bombarded with ads for vibrators” declared an irate parent.

With Santa bankrupt and his North Pole factory going into receivership many have called upon the government to take over Christmas.

Despite opposition from Republicans it is expected that a bill will be introduced to nationalize the holiday.

“I’m all for private industry” said Mitch McConnell.  “Except when the Democrats aren’t. Then I’m against it.”

Original Post:  Manhattan Infidel

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Brutal Civil War Rages on Island of Misfit Toys

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For years Santa had stopped at the Island of Misfit Toys.  But no more.

“I wouldn’t go near that place anymore” said Santa.  “It’s more dangerous than Mexico, Afghanistan or Detroit.”

The culprit is politics.  For years the Island of Misfit Toys had been ruled by King Moonracer (pictured here),King Moonracer, who has never read the Federalist Papers an absolute, hereditary monarch.  But not all were happy with his rule.  Chief among them was Charlie-in-the-Box (seen here.) Charlie in the box fights the powerCharlie, who sees himself as the Island’s resident intellectual, had taken to reading the Federalist Papers and the Declaration of Independence.  Dissatisfied with his position as a subject he began to push for more civil rights and liberalization of the Island’s political structure.  As Charlie said in a manifesto he had plastered throughout the Island:

King Moonracer says he is a benevolent king.  But where is our right to vote?  Where is our right to peacefully assemble and redress grievances?  Our taxes are too high.  His Secret Police spy on us. He has an insatiable sexual appetite and uses our Island’s virgins including Dolly for Sue (pictured here)Dolly just wants to be loved for his own pleasure.  And to top it off, he’s a Red Sox fan.  Fight the power!  Up with the Republic!

Needless to say the manifestos did not sit well with King Moonracer.  Unable to arrest Charlie-in-the Box, who had gone into hiding with the I.M.T.R.A (Island of Misfit Toys Republican Army), Moonracer arrested the polka dot spotted elephant (seen here in an undated file photo)The Poka Dot Elephant, an innocent victim of political violence and had him tortured to reveal Charlie’s whereabouts.  As the elephant’s toenails were ripped off, his trunk turned inside out and electrodes attached to his genitalia, his pathetic screams could be heard around the Island.

Reaction from the Republican Army was swift.  Dozens of the King’s Secret Police were shot.  The King, in an incident now known as “Bloody Sunday“, retaliated by having his troops fire on a crowd watching a soccer match.

As atrocities rage on both sides the fighting shows no signs of letting up, despite offers from the King of a truce, with free bread and posters of David Ortiz to those who accept his pardon.

Currently 60% of the Island is controlled by Republican forces while the other 40% is held by King Moonracer and his loyalists, including Dolly for Sue, who escaped past Republican road blocks to reunite with her lover.

“All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved” Dolly said in a farewell message to Charlie-in-the-Box. “King Moonracer loves me and he is kind to me.”

The I.M.T.R.A. for its part has declared Dolly a traitor and sentenced her to death “In absentia.”

The U.S. State Department has issued an advisory warning its citizens against traveling to the Island of Misfit Toys.

President Obama has called for a “Two state solution” with the Island partitioned into Republican and Loyalist sections.

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

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