Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow has a new plan to resuscitate his failing career: Murder!
“Tim Tebow is a controversial figure” said New York Daily News sports columnist Mike Lupica.
He believes in God. He has never murdered anyone. Hell, he doesn’t even have a criminal record. How can a man like this expect to play in the NFL? He’s a controversial, divisive figure and unless he changes he will never play again.
Tebow has been in talks with retired NFL legend Ray Lewis about the possibility of opening a murder career.
“Ray has given me some good advice” said Tebow.
Murdering people isn’t as easy as it looks. There’s a lot of planning that goes into it. And then there’s the alibi. Ray taught me that murder is all about the alibi. ”Make sure you dump the blood-stained suit you wore during the killing in a garbage dump outside a fast food restaurant” he told me. So I guess my first murder will be somewhere near a fast food joint. I think. I’m still new to this.
Throughout the NFL the reaction has been positive to Tebow’s decision to become a murderer.
“The NFL represents what is best about America: Competition, rampant steroid abuse and a high murder rate” declared ESPN analyst Keyshawn Johnson.
If Tebow wants to be respected and welcomed into the NFL he had better start committing a few felonies. And I don’t mean the white collar ones like tax fraud and rape.
Tebow is confident that by following Lewis’ advice he will once again be in the NFL. Though there have been some bumps along the road.
“I told him to try stealing a woman’s purse” said Lewis.
He stole it but then took out the money and credit cards and gave it back to the old lady. I just don’t understand these Christians! They’re so controversial!
Experts are certain that Tebow has enough time to commit murder and be a productive player in the 2014 season.
Last night Tebow showed up at a nightclub in Miami with a woman on each arm.
“I’m Tim Tebow and these are my ‘hos. I am going to have relations with them later” he told anyone who would listen.
Attention was also drawn to the dead fetus he was wearing around his neck.
“Baby steps” said Tebow. ”Baby steps.”
It is not known whether Tebow had personally murdered the fetus but analysts agree it shows his commitment to live the NFL lifestyle.
Original Post: Manhattan Infidel