Spock Sues Star Fleet!

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I feel that Star Fleet disrespected my indigenous culture and traditions.

Mr. Spock, formerly first officer of the Starship Enterprise is suing Star Fleet for “emotional damage due to discrimination” over a controversial incident at his Pon Farr ritual on his home world of Vulcan.

While little is known of the specifics of the Pon Farr  (“It is not spoken of with outworlders” said Spock) it is known that he engaged in a duel to the death with his captain and best friend James T. Kirk (pictured here).

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Spock and I are very close.

 

At the end of the duel Spock was the apparent victor and Kirk lay dead at his feet.

After beaming back up to the Enterprise a grief-stricken Spock was surprised to be greeted by a very much alive Kirk.  A elated but confused Spock then learned that Kirk’s death was staged and that the Enterprise’s chief medical officer, Leonard “Bones” McCoy had given Kirk a drug to simulate death.

The faking of Kirk’s death is at the core of Spock’s lawsuit.

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Speaking through his attorney Spock let it be known that he felt personally offended.

The Pon Farr is sacred to Vulcans.  It’s how we choose our mates.  It’s similar to the Friday night hookup in bars that you humans practice on Earth.  My betrothed mate, T’Pring chose the challenge, which is her right.  During a challenge the combatants fight until one is dead.  I fought Kirk to the death.  It’s a ritual that comes down to us from the time of the beginning, without change.  This is the Vulcan heart.  This is the Vulcan soul.  This is our way. And this outlander, McCoy negates our tradition by giving my combatant a neuroparalyzer drug.    How would you humans like it if I messed with your tradition?  What if I started telling human children that Santa doesn’t exist and to believe in him is illogical?  What if I told humans that their so-called reality TV shows are all fixed?

So I get back to the nearest Star Base to file a complaint and I find out that not only is Star Fleet not taking my complaint seriously but that they are looking the other way.  “McCoy did right” an admiral told me.  “We can’t afford to lose a Star Fleet captain.  Stupid Pon Farr ritual be damned.”  Stupid Pon Farr ritual?  I would have punched him if it had been the logical thing to do.  We Vulcans are superior to you humans in every way.  Your lack of logic is appalling.  Take Lt. Uhura for instance.  I told her that there is no logic in wanting Kirk and not me.  She said “Logic has nothing to do with the beast with two backs.”

Star Fleet has responded to Commander Spock’s lawsuit with a terse statement:

We cannot comment on an ongoing lawsuit.  However we wish to point out that Star Fleet prides itself on its diversity, multiculturalism and tolerance.  We respect all indigenous cultures and traditions.  Well, except for the Irish of course.

If Spock wins his lawsuit he plans on retiring to Vulcan and opening a dry-cleaning store.

“It is logical.  Everyone needs their clothes dry cleaned at some point.  And with Vulcan’s highly logical business-friendly tax environment I am ensured of a steady income.”

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Happy Thanksgiving from Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services

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This turkey died so that white man can live his sinful lifestyle!

Hello Americans of all races, religions and sexual preferences!  I am Kathleen Sebelius the secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. And yes, I am a human woman.

I am not an animal!  I am a human being!

No.  I am not a Romulan woman who’s had her ears scaled back.  I am a fully functioning human though many have mistaken me for a Romulan.  Silly isn’t it?  I mean I’m not even closely related to Vulcans like the Romulans are.  Look, I am not an animal, I am a human being!  So knock it off!

Anyway.  What did I want to talk about?

Oh yes.

As you know the so-called holiday of Thanksgiving is fast approaching.  But what you may not know is that Thanksgiving was promulgated by the white man after massacring native Americans of color.  And yes I realize that the noble race of native Americans were here on this continent before the country of America the slave holders came into existence so calling them “Americans” is an insult but “native American” is easier to type on my English language keyboard than finding a software program that’ll type in a dialect of the indigenous peoples of this continent.

Oh I’m sure there are software programs that do just that but here at the Department of Health and Human Services I am too busy trying to undo the damage caused by triumphalist American culture to go online and search for it.

Because we at the Department of Health and Humans Services are all about two things:  protecting the health of all Americans and screwing the Catholic Church.

Did I say we were about two thing?  I’m sorry.  Three things:  protecting the health of all Americans, undoing the damage caused by meat-based culture and screwing the Catholic Church.

Did you know the Catholic Church is run by white men?  And that can’t be good.

Anyway I’m sure you are probably looking forward to a traditional Thanksgiving with lots of turkey followed by a few games of American football.  (And isn’t typical of arrogant Americans?  Stealing the name of football from non-racist, socialist Europeans and applying it to a game that has nothing to do with feet.  God.  Americans make me sick.)

Oh yes.  I’m sure you are looking forward to that meal.  Sounds like fun doesn’t it? Maybe to the dull-witted it does.

Lift up your minds Americans!

Meat is murder!  And your so-called game of football is violent, misogynistic and encourages testosterone-laden behavior.  Typical testosterone-laden behavior I’d expect from the soon to be crushed Catholic Church.

And so, under the authority granted to me by the Affordable Care Act I am banning the consumption of meat, meat by-products and any sandwiches sold at Blimpies which may or may not be meat or meat by-products.  (We’re still testing them at HHS to find out exactly what they are.)

I am also banning the so-called game of football.  (Did a Catholic invent this game?  I wouldn’t be surprised.)

I am also changing the name of this holiday.  Thanksgiving? What have you to be thankful for?  Thousands of years of northern European aggression, patriarchy and poor dietary choices?

No.  The new name will be “Redistribution Day.“  It is my hope that by calling it “Redistribution Day” we will remember that there are fat cat bankers and capitalists in our midst who aren’t paying their fair share.  Just like the Catholic Church.

And instead of meat why not eat something the government wants you to eat such as carrots or Brussels sprout?

And instead of so-called football why not watch the WNBA?  Women’s basketball.  Truly a sport uninfluenced by testosterone.  What better way to lift up your minds than by watching seven-foot tall lesbians of color?

And so in closing I’d like to wish all my fellow Americans a very happy and joyous Redistribution Day.

Because we at the Department of Health and Human Services are all about two, no three, no four things:  protecting the health of all Americans, undoing the damage caused by meat-based culture, social engineering and screwing the Catholic Church.

That is all.

Original Post: Manhattan Infidel

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Overweight Vulcan Charged with Bestiality!

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You read it here first!  Take a look at the Vulcan, and read of his alleged crimes, like bestiality!

Psycho Charged With Using Craigslist To Have Sex With Dog, Says Sexless Marriage Is To Blame – Weekly Vice

James Naylor, a 47-year-old Mesa man was jailed Monday after he allegedly used Craigslist to shop for a dog he wanted to have sex with.

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According to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, an investigation was launched after Naylor placed ads on Craigslist seeking dogs to sexually abuse.

Investigators say Naylor showed up at the planned meeting spot expecting to have sex with a dog, and was apprehended instead without even seeing the dog.

The dog who’s pictures were used is a rescue dog with the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office Animal Safe Haven. Naylor is married with one child, and is unemployed. He told police that he has been in a sexless marriage for about a year.

As you can see, this Vulcan let himself go.  However, how logical is it to violate Fido when there are others of his species about?

H/T:  The Daley Gator

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